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2011-03-21T23:10:00.002+08:00

as expected. i m feeling just a little bit of emptiness now that everything is over.

at the same time i m also wondering how i should move on.

the usual me will simply just leave once and for all. not leaving anything behind.

but yet this time i feel that i cant just sever all ties cleanly. as much as i had said i would months ago.

complications arises. one of which is particularly frustrating and perplexing on many different levels.

i m still trying to calm my mind after all these hectic days which gives me no room to think of anything else.

decisions will come only when my mind feels rested enough.

though most of the time i m willing to concede. there are times when my heart simply screams no.

time is of essence here. cant keep dragging things for too long or everything will just become even more complex.

somehow along the way i have made some mistakes again.

trying to do some kind of damage control now but not sure whether i m going about the right way.

all i can say is. at the end of the day. i cant change who i m or what i feel.

and i really want to say i miss you. but i cant even do it now because you will be mistaken for someone else.

2010-10-12T23:45:00.002+08:00

i guess i m not the kind of person who can handle stress well.

and i m finding myself burning out a lot faster than i have ever been. its scary but the more i try to keep myself going, the more i seem to fail and it just frustrates me to no end.

i dont know whether i have made the wrong choices all this way. going to ntu. studying a course which i have little interest in. going back to cheer despite knowing the commitment is much higher.

just feeling really tired now. and its only slightly past a month since school started.

i m not strong enough. be it physically or mentally. i m so weak that i always try to find excuses for myself to get out any demanding situations.

and i feel very lost. lonely even. because i cant seem to find anyone i can truly hold onto in this new environment.

the feeling of emptiness is back again. and nothing seems to be filling up the gaping hole inside.

2010-09-11T01:10:00.002+08:00

its been two months since a particular incident happened.

in the course of these 2 months. i have experienced different emotions before coming to some sort of a peace within myself, just letting things settle into the curious balance they are.

but today. i was reminded that this balance is actually so fragile, so much so that it can easily crumble into pieces.

i know that the world is cruel, and i dont need to be reminded of that fact time and time again, even if i m the most foolish person in the world.

it didnt work out then and it will never work out ever. that's something i m aware of even if sometimes, i do wish that the world is like a little kinder and things may just twist and turn somehow till they work out.

before this whole incident. i m used to writing and reading about love. but i never understood how love could be all so melodramatic, so full of angst and hurt that they just dont seem real at all.

but after everything ended, i suddenly felt so overwhelmed whenever i read any of this stories. because i think i finally understand that things dont come about just because they are there. and these stories of love exist because such pain and hurt is true.

i havent been able to write anything since. because suddenly. words cant seem to describe what all these feelings. i cant seem to find the exact word just to fit in and even find a way to express something like that.

i wont say i have completely gotten over it. but i m not saying that i dont want to get over it. these days i have stopped thinking about things as much and maybe with the passing of time, things will just fade away and different paths will be taken.

but i just wish that, while i m trying to get myself together. people will stop trying to reopen the wound that is just healing. i can smile, laugh and even joke if this is what people want to see. but at the end of the day, please just let me have just a tiniest bit of hope which i want to hold onto no matter how bleak the prospect it.

you said not to have my hopes up. but if i dont have my hopes up. there is nothing i can depend on anymore because it seems that this world is only full of lies and betrayal. is that what i m supposed to believe instead? in all the bad of the world?

2010-08-03T23:14:00.003+08:00

recently. i feel as if i m consumed by three different emotions.

disappointment. guilt. fear.

and somehow. they have crept inside of me. gnawing away like a termite infested nest.

it's as if bits and pieces of myself are being sucked away, leaving away a feeling of hollowness that i cant seem to fill up no matter how i m trying.

it scares me sometimes how normal i can behave in the day. laughing and joking around like nothing is wrong. but at the end of the day. i will lie in my bed, staring up at the ceiling with just silence around me.

and the feeling of emptiness comes back. cold and suffocating.

but i m trying to find back the pieces of myself which i have lost. trying to put back everything just to make that empty feeling go away.

yet i feel too tired to do anything.and even i try to do anything, nothing will go the way i want it.

i m so sick and tired of giving so much of myself away and not getting back anything in return.

there is a idea of defeat and maybe even betrayal.

i dont think i ever asked for things in return. even though its clear that i want something but i m only human. and it sucks so terribly when i finally do ask for something for myself after some much that i have put in. i m denied.

and everything is lost. everything that i have put in hope of something is all lost. its like i threw them away in some faraway place and i can never find them back.

so its just empty and hollow. numb and cold.

and i m just waiting. waiting for the time to come before i can fill everything up again.with smiles and jokes or just anything tangible.

---

2010-07-25T23:52:00.002+08:00

this feeling of emptiness scares me.

and the idea of moving on intimidates me.

sometimes i just wish that i can close my eyes and not be suffocated by just trying to get on with life everyday.

i think i m just a weakling at the end of the day. and i always will be.

i m just not strong enough for this world.

2010-07-10T19:54:00.003+08:00

BoA / Possibility duet with Daichi Miura

Before love completely ceases,
(one) last time

We spent good times and we knew each other
Had this situation changed if we had the possibility
Jus’ talk to me how you think about it
(Why did we say goodbye)

I liked your smile,
even your boring jokes I liked,
the approaching, disturbing footsteps,
which one (of us) would have been the one who realized it first?
no matter what I did, through day and night I was unsettled,
to give up this relationship, it was like burring a ditch,
it’s like we will be strangers (again) if it becomes tomorrow,
it’s okay if everything is completely erased

The pendulum is still swaying,
a thread which follows my last hope,
why did it snap and break off?
this kind of heart breaking,
for each other to do trial and error and acquire preparation,
I understand but I’m lost,
was this really okay?
We might’ve had the possibility

Hold out my hand, touch your cheek,
if I do so my temperature will hit 40゜C at once,
the time both of us met, we had that sort of feeling,
but it changed,
poison lurking in the heart, counteracting the words were
memories like going through a filter yet though,
far and misty, I can’t come across you.

If you were able to explain dangerous omens politely,
trivial misunderstandings and this ending,
would have been able to be avoided,
your opaque attitude is fatal.
Because I want it left behind as beautiful memories,
I only had this choice and
I thought it seemed strong, hey,

Don’t be gentle nor miserable…
(Don’t cry… Don’t cry baby)

If I told you that I’m nothing without your love,
If it’s not you, it’s meaningless

I saw a dream,
we were always together
for many birthday(s) piling,
like it wouldn’t break,
Baby, now it won’t come true but it’s,
Never gonna change my love

---

我想，我终于明白空虚的滋味，那种似乎是被掏空的感觉。

但竟然已经走到了尽头，就已经是结尾，一个不能挽回的结局。

已经走错了，已经做错了，但也是该重新开始的时候了。

---

we cant make good decisions all the time, but what matters is that we face the consequences of whatever paths that we choose to take.

so i guess. the only thing to do now is to move on.

---

我贪恋了那么久，但迟早还是要放手。

---

2010-06-20T21:29:00.008+08:00

其实是真的有些怀念曾经的快乐。

这两天来，一直在思考，自己到底错过了些什么，遗憾了些什么。

似乎在迷失自己的当儿，忘了如何去珍惜从前拥有的快乐。

因为错过，而感到愧疚。因为愧疚，而想要弥补。

即使不知道是否真的可以弥补以前的过错，但我真的想尝试挽回曾经的一些。

而也许，只要对现在的一切更满足，或许未来的日子就不会感到可惜。

如果曾经拥有，那么未来还是能够拥有，只要努力去追逐。

---

i want to try to make things better because i dont ever want to know that i once ruined any happiness that was in my hands.

but i just dont know whether i m going about the right way of doing it.

---

2010-06-19T11:10:00.003+08:00

My Boy

the first day when we met
he smiled so warmly that i was drawn instantly
like a star in the midst
he shone so brightly that i only see him

and i knew from then
i had fallen so deeply even if i know
we can never possibly be
like lovers in novels or movies
but i still lived in my fantasy dream

my boy
just like this once
i will call him
but i know that he will never hear me
just one more time
and he may see me
this is merely a one-sided wish
but i will still wait
for the day he turns back
and that is the day when i finally say
my boy (boy) you are my boy

if wishes are stardust
we will be sparkling together
forever after
sometimes i just wish
we are prince and princess
of fairytale stories

but i know that we can never be
because we are so far that
even i cant see him
there is a distance that we can never bridge
this is just not our story

my boy
just like this once
i will call him
but i know that he will never hear me
just one more time
and he may see me
this is merely a one-sided wish
but i will still wait
for the day he turns back
and that is the day when i finally say
my boy (boy) you are my boy

maybe deep down inside he knows
but he is just afraid to show
that he does feel some kinda love for me
but you know just like all those love stories
that could never be
we will just walk on the street
just like strangers who are destined not to meet

why do i keep thinking about him
my heart can't seem to see
i try to figure it out
and my minds tells me that it's love

my boy
just like this once
i will call him
but i know that he will never hear me
just one more time
and he may see me
this is merely a one-sided wish
but i will still wait
for the day he turns back
and that is the day when i finally say
my boy (boy) you are my boy

---

there is really no meaning to it. i just needed something to channel my angst in.

i remember there was a period of time that i used to dabble in writing fan lyrics. when was that exactly? some time in secondary school. probably secondary 4 because that was when i was really into fandom. fanfictions fan lyrics...

but honestly i kind of sucked then.well i think i still suck at it now. with fan lyrics especially. it was like there are a lot of things i dont understand about writing songs. i can have images appearing in my mind, playing like a movie or story when i listen to a song. but when it comes to putting them down in words, its a totally different thing and i can seem to find the right word to fit in.

the thing about listening to kpop and jpop is that because i dont understand the words. i can imagine them to mean whatever i interpret them to be. even if i can roughly guess what the song is about by just listening to the melody, i can also read them to mean to be something differently because different people see things differently and someone's definition of happiness may just be another's sorrow.

and sometimes i wonder. how it will be like. to be able to write a song so beautiful or heartwrenching. that people will be brought to tears upon hearing it and maybe even seeing it in their mind because the words are so powerful and the emotions are so raw.

---

2010-06-07T23:22:00.002+08:00

its always the same thing isnt it?

you take the risk. and you fall so deep in that you can never get out.

and then you regret.

i seem to be getting trapped in this vicious cycle all the time.

---

i dont like how my mind thinks.when it thinks.what it thinks.

sometimes i wish my mind can be blank 24/7. it may make things so much easier.

thinking about so many things leads me nowhere.

if anything. i get more scared. i get more paranoid.

and before i know it. all those morbid suicidal stuff starts appearing in my head.

and sometimes i think so much. i cant seem to discern between what really happened and what only happened in my imaginations.

---

certain things are kind of confusing.perplexing.mindboggling.

and the more they are that way. i wish i can stop myself from reading too much into things because its such a pain to look beneath the surface to find the cracks appearing underneath.

indifference is a much treasured attribute during this circumstance.

---

so many things in the world that i dont understand.

and one of which being myself.

if only its possible to cut myself up and dissect every single bit of me so that i can be analyzed and know what in the world made me the person i m.

in a way. i m disgusted with myself sometimes. maybe even ashamed. because nothing seems real.

too many faces. too many different sides.

i dont get it. not at all.

---

maybe simply put. everything is spinning out of control.

2010-05-16T22:55:00.003+08:00

我真的很想哭，但我哭不出来。

记得好几年前，我曾经告诉过自己，无论如何我都不能掉泪，因为那是一种懦弱的表现。

那时有好几个身边的朋友都说我是个冷血动物，对周围的事情都完全没有感情。

但其实我也只不过是在伪装，而这种虚伪的表现，最终也是会露出破馅。

感觉自己自从中学毕业过后，对于许多事情都变得很情绪化。

也不知道为什么一旦变得情绪化时就很用哭泣作为发泄的方法。

真的很讨厌这样的自己。这么没用的自己。

很多事实其实都一致摆在我的眼前，我知道这一切，但我不愿去坦然的面对。

因为面对一切只会让我自己感到很自卑，对自己更失望。

但似乎我是永远不能逃避我所犯过的错误，即使我真的承认自己的确走错过了好几步。

为什么就是要那么无情的将那些才刚结疤的伤痕狠狠地撕裂。为什么一直在我才刚走出阴影是由在一次将我推入那黑暗的谷底。

我知道，我不够好，我不够勤劳，我不够乖巧，我不够机灵……

而就因为我有这么多的‘不够’，我成了‘不配’。

其实从头到尾，我都不被任何人的信任。我什么都不配，因为我的确很没用。

但是我是真的很想要努力让自己变得更好，我真的真的有努力过，即使这些努力或是对有些人来说是那么微不足道。

可是我真的不能，也许我的横心不够强，但我真的出于无奈和厌倦才会放弃。

我想要，但力不从心。我被一切击垮到我不想振作起来。好累，真的好累。

但为什就是不能明白我就是不可以，而不是刻意不愿意？为什么就是不明白我根本不是其他强者？

我真的已经尽力了，真的。而且我现在还在努力。努力成为一个能被接受的人。

可是我也是个人，我知道我不配，但我还是想要有自己的想法，有自己的主见。

难道，我连这一些都不配吗？

我不是故意要反抗，我已经真的不想反抗了。我已经尽量妥协，即使让自己感到不愉快，我还是会尽量让步。

难道看不出来吗？

我知道这些年来我的确让你失望了好多次，让你伤心了好多次。我不是故意，我也一直感到很愧疚。

可是你知道吗？这并不是单方面的伤害，受害者也不是你一个。

---

2010-05-11T23:22:00.002+08:00

老实说，我最近开始不明白自己到底在想些什么。

或许该说，我根本不能了解自己到底在做些什么。

很多时候，脑海里就会浮现出一些画面。没有任何理由，只是突然回想起那些记忆。

而每当想起一切，虽然感到满足，但最终，我还是会开始质问自己。

这些记忆里的那个我，真的是我自己吗？

我开始害怕自己的改变，这个相似遗失自我的转变。

不想对这一切又任何依恋，更不想对这一切感到倦厌。

----

there are a few things which i know i have made a lot of mistakes in and every time when they are being mentioned. i will just uptight and somewhat defensive for no particular reason, except that i m really disappointed with myself at the way i have muddled up everything.

school. family. friends.

sometimes. i feel like i m a weakling. i have so many things that i want to do, said to do, promised to do. but at the end of the day, nothing gets done, because i m either too lazy to follow through with what i said, or just too scared make my words a reality.

and the most convenient out when i dont make my words come true? i run away. just like a coward or a weakling to do.

i hide, i go MIA, i pretend to not know of anything, i put the blame on others. i do anything that will give me a excuse to cover for whatever i have failed to do. and sometimes, i really do convince myself that hey, it was a right thing for me to do to run away and just think that nothing has gone wrong. i can pretend, for a day, for a month, or maybe for a year even. but i know that sooner or later, these very events will come back to haunt me and i will regret whatever i have done. or whatever i have not done.

and sometimes i will think. maybe it will just be better if i m on my own. in my own bubble where no one can reach me. then maybe everything may just be a teeny bit better because no matter how much of a failure i m, i cant possibly screw up my life if it's just me that i need to take into my own hands right?

but it seems like the more i try to dictate my own life, the more my life starts spinning out of control.

----

have you ever been in a place where you feel like your soul is trapped in a place which is not where your body is?

you can see it through the images in your mind. a place that is dark and cramped. there is nothing but 4 walls that seems to be closing in on you every second you take a breath. there are no doors, no windows, no outlets, no anything. it's just you trapped in that little room and only your mind sees it because physically, you are really just sitting at home, trying to pull yourself out of that suffocating alternative universe that is driving you crazy.

you see in your mind that you start to rush at walls, punching, gripping, scratching, banging at the walls, just trying to break through the barrier that is holding you in. but you find that the walls are not hard solid as you imagine them to be. instead they are soft, and they give way under your force, tearing into pieces and pieces or padding that releases cotton in the air when your finger nails rake into them. and then you hurl yourself into the wall, digging maniacally at the material, frantically trying to rip the wall apart just so that you can get out of the hell hole that is sucking the sanity out of you.

but there is no end to the walls. and you will just keep tearing and tearing until your body gives ways and you are so tired that you collapse on the floor. the walls that you have been so crazily ripping apart mend up behind you, and once again you are trapped in the same place, surrounded by the same 4 walls and everything seems even more suffocating than before.

you are so frustrated. so driven to the edge that you start to scream. you scream at the top of your lungs and feel your vocal cords strain so much that they threaten to just tear and give way. but yet you dont hear anything. the room is quiet. so quiet that it invades your ears and you finally understand how silence could be so deafening.you hear nothing. absolutely nothing. and you continue to shout, to scream, to do anything that could get a sound out of your lips but nothing ever comes out. not even a whisper. you resort to crying because you feel like you are on the verge of breakdown and all you can managed is a choked sob before the room goes all quiet again.

then all of the sudden. you start hearing things. voices. chuckles. sniggers. whispers that send chills down your backs. you dont know who these voices belong to. except that they are inside your mind, haunting you, mocking you, trying to give you that tiny little push that will just drive you over the edge. you cover your ears and try to shut everything out. but they are inside of you and if anything, they get even louder than before. you dont understand what the voices are saying. except that they are laughing at you, chasing you as you trip and stumble while trying to escape their grasp. you cant make out how many voices are there. maybe a thousand, maybe a million, maybe even more. all you know if you will do anything, everything, just to get them to shut up and leave you alone.

and just when you thought you can really snap from hearing those voices. you spot a chair in nearby you. you are sure it is not in the room 5 seconds ago but nothing makes sense and your body moves to pick it up and smash it into the wall ahead. this time there is sound. a loud crash that shuts all the voices up. you pant heavily, trying to get your bearings back but then the voices come back and you see something else materialising in the room, this time a beer bottle. and this time you do not hesitate to pick it up and hurl it at the wall. it smashes into peaces and the voices leave you alone once again before coming back after a short few seconds of reprieve.before you know it, more and more objects are appearing in the room. more bottles, more chairs, clocks, fans, books, mugs, cooking pans. they just keep appearing, and you just keep throwing them because hearing the loud deafening crash is better than having the voices in your head mocking at you, making you feel like you are not fit to be in this world.

you are so wrapped up and too far gone that you do not realise that your hands are bleeding from the broken glass shards or wooden splinters that bite mercilessly into you when they break. you dont taste the blood on your lips when the objects you throw so hard at the walls rebound back at you and hits you right smack on the cheek. it should be painful, but you dont feel anything.

you are growing tired. so tired. your arms are growing heavy. your legs feel numb and they soon give way and you collapse to the ground exhausted. there you lay breathing heavily, and the room is back to its original state again. no chairs, no bottles, no broken clocks. nothing. it's just the black walls and nothing else. and you feel like crying but no tears come out and you are just lying on the floor choking out pathetic sobs that sound more like gasps for breaths.

and then you feel something in your hand. your right hand. something that feels heavy and cold. you sit up and stare at it. a short knife, maybe a dagger even. so new that the blade is shiny and gleams in the dark, tempting you, asking you, begging you to touch it and use it and stain it with a colour that will take its innocence away. you run your fingers on the blade and feel accidentally cut yourself along the seemingly harmless but fatally sharp blade. there is blood. not a lot of it. just a few drops of scarlet that stands out so glaringly against the silver blade that you cannot help but to be entranced by it. and you wonder how will it be like if there is more of the scarlet on the blade and the dagger is just calling out to you to hold it, use it, to kill with you. and you find yourself gripping it tighter by the minute, more compelled to just listen to it and release yourself from the hell hole where you see no end.

the blade is on the bare skin of your left wrist, the pulsating artery beneath. you press lightly onto it and feels it cuts just a little into the skin to draw just a few drops of blood and your lips quirk a little as you imagine the spurts of blood that will gush out if you just go through with it and cut yourself so deep that there can be no way to stitch the wound back and the pool of blood, your blood, that you will be lying in, as you seek your final release from everything.

you stare at the blade in your hands, and for the first time, you realise that it's only just you who is fighting alone.

-----

2010-05-09T12:38:00.004+08:00

i have been thinking recently, that perhaps, i should revive this blog. no particular reason actually. just to have somewhere to put my thoughts down. ~~my cyworld got deleted because the taiwan domain got shut down so i have one less blog to go to but thats another thing together.~~

anyway. its been awhile since i did like serious blogging i guess. for the past year, i think i have been posting either emo stuff or stuff that are too cryptic to be understood. but aiya. honestly i dont know if anyone still remembers my blog. or even if there is anyone who remembers, i wont know if there is anyone who is reading this too. so it's like giving me this illusion that this place is pretty private to me. even though thats totally not the case since hey, this is the free-for-all internet after all.

it's may 2010 now. i have said this so many millions of times, be it verbally or in written words. time passes really really fast. when i first had this blog. i remember it was on impulse after my obs in sec 3. i had a couple of blogs in sec 1 and sec 2 but they all either died or got hidden away with all my darkest thoughts and secrets but this is the one that stayed the longest. it's into its 4th year now?

in a way. sometimes i feel that writing like this. in words. is a much easier way to express everything. and i still feel like this often. especially when i m like terribly horribly frustrated and upset and emo and depressed and i just want something, anything, to vent everything.it will be up in the net for all to see. but hey, pros is that 99.99999999999999999999999999999999999999% of the people in the world will not be able to put a face to the name that is being displayed on the blog and this still provides me with some sort of security i guess.

hmmm i think my old habit of rambling on about nothing in particular is coming back now.

at the moment now. i m actually quite surprised at how i m feeling actually. i thought that maybe today. i will be gripped by some huge wave of emo-ness or depression after whatever transpired yesterday and the temple visit today. i m not going to deny that my nephew junhong was one factor which really made my day (oh my gosh he's so adorably precocious that i cant help but to feel some sort of an attachment) but in a way. looking at things with a very 平常心态 helps a lot. and i think after yesterday, i managed to come to some sort of a peace within myself.

but there is still seem to be some gaps here and there and no matter how much i try to read into actions and meanings beneath the surface, i cant seem to understand anything.

there are many times when words form at the back of my mind and die when it just reaches my lips. sometimes i dont know whether its good that they died or maybe it's going to be detrimental in the long run.

i have been thinking that i havent been a very good friend recently. or maybe ever since i started jc. haha. i have been like avoiding class gatherings because i realised that no matter how i try to fit in, at the end of the day, i cant because its something that i have missed out while i was still in school, sleeping my classes away or not attending classes at all. in a way, i threw whatever could have formed out of the window in my absence and its not something that i can fill back in easily. or then again, maybe its also some 心理作用 that i cant seem to break through that barrier.

which reminds me. i think i havent been the nicest friend to my very very very very very close girl buddy these days and sometimes i feel like smacking myself in the face for being a little more distant and in my own world. yes this is to you my dearest KOH HUILIN. i know i m a sucky friend half the time but somehow we always stuck it through even with like little interaction at times and my lack of responsiveness. and despite how possessive you can get over me (whahahahaha) you know i still love you. (: i will try to make the bali trip a reality and will go eat sakae with you even if i think the food is lousy.

i will be working till 30th june. aiya now that i m mentioning it i m already regretting my choice already. hahahaha. i think i m just going through the motions more than anything. so i really have no idea what my job really entails sometimes. not too much of a good thing i guess. ok scratch that. not good at all. and it frustrates me to no end on certain days because i am just so mindlessly going about everything with no aim and there just doesnt seem to be any meaning behind whatever i am doing. oh well. its just another month and a half more. after that it will be 2 months of relaxing before school starts.

speaking of which. i will probably accept ntu's offer. and well. pray that it wont add to another one of my humongous list of mistakes i have made in my entire life. haha. my parents are still secretly hoping that nus will accept me. but in a way they feel resigned. which well. makes me sad at the thought of it.

i am thinking whether i should remove my 2 posts below because they are potentially exponentially mega depressing if i m to really open up my blog once more. hmmm.

on a very random note. i got kicked out of shineesubs. haha. i mean its no surprise. but i am just a little bit annoyed that i m not that one chinese translator they have decided to keep since well. i feel like i contributed a lot when the boys first debuted by translating and timing and editing almost all the chinese videos back then? but when i set up raptorsubs i knew i was going to get kicked out.

freak la. i think i am down with a cold. the weather really sucks these days.

oh and himalayan tea frappe is not nice as caramel frappe. haha.

SHINee - Love's Way

I know an amazing experiment
If you put a few drops of soap into a cup
The divided oil and water
That had their back to each other, mixes as one
This is so much like us
We fight like we will never see each other again
And then become mixed in the soap called love
Suddenly all the animosity disappears

We fight a hundred times, and our hearts breaks a hundred times
But like tangled pieces of string, our love can’t be pulled apart
We fix our faults, learn each other’s hearts
I know that one day, only our happiness will be left

I’ll try to say the awkward words of love
(I love you, I love you)
Even on days where I’m tired,
I’ll hide my tired expression just for you
In my daily dairies
There is nothing but talks of you
We will show each other once in a while
It would be nice if we were happy

We fight a hundred times, and our hearts breaks a hundred times
But like tangled pieces of string, our love can’t be pulled apart
We fix our faults, learn each other’s hearts
I know that one day, only our happiness will be left

At first we couldn’t meet
But how is it so different now
Still you don’t know how much
I want to keep on meeting you
You keep me alive
So that I can feel you
Even though we are so different
Our love will stay the same
I don’t want a love that will evaporate away like soap bubbles
A love that will be felt without words,
That is the love I want
When you are with me,
You can’t ride in golden carriages even in your dreams
But while you are still with me
I can make you smile

Love’s way
Love’s way
You’re my true love

Though our hobbies are different,
And our thoughts are different,
Our habits have become similar
The way we talk becomes similar,
And even the times that we fall asleep, after we talk at night
Have become the same.

-

cute lyrics huh. (:

2010-04-10T11:23:00.005+08:00

i read about love. i write about love. i perform about love.

but i dont know love.

-

似乎感到有点累了。

嗯。的确是有些累了。

但这一切不是厌倦。

不知厌倦那一天的到来结局会是如何？

-

maybe i should just be a coward too.

because running away may just makes things so much more easier.

-

好友说：放手吧。

我说：我放不了。

好友问：你满足吗？

我说：我不知道。

好友说：那就暂时别相处。

我……无法回答。

因为已经陷得太深了。

-

i used to think that habits are scary things.

but its the feeling of being addicted that makes habits so scary.

-

时间不饶人。

而我……似乎也不是一个非常有耐心的人。

不知道还能不能坚持下去……？

-

my mind is telling me to do one thing.

but my heart is protesting against it.

i m torn.

-

其实，我很需要一个答案。

即使我知道这也许只会带来失望。

-

time seems to be running out.

and i dont foresee a happy ending.

-

也许我们不因该说爱。

因为从一开始，这一切，根本没有爱。

-

2010-02-14T01:25:00.002+08:00

i dont know what i m feeling now.

it's confusing, perplexing, frustrating, and whatever else you name it on so many different levels.

i wish i can read deeper into things before i fall further in.

been a long time since something like this happened. actually i dont think it actually every happened before. this is just ... new and unusual to me.

so in this situation where i cant seem to understand what is underneath the surface, it seems only safe to assume the worst and to take things with a pinch of salt.

but seems like i m really bad at being all nonchalant about it.major fail i must say.

there is some sort of a balance now. an intriguing balance if you must say. and despite whatever temptations i have, i really dont want to go beyond this state of balance which may just screw everything up.

yet at the same time, there are so many things yelling out at me to go seek answers and put an end to my wild thoughts so that i can stop dreaming.

put an end to a dream which started so long ago and been through so many different odd stages before turning into this current state of something which i dont even know what exactly it is.

the timing doesnt seem right. but then again. when will it ever be right?

that night. when i said that out. it was a big mistake. because no one should ever tell their stories in half, not especially when the missing half is much more important than the half told.

i feel like a bastard. or whatever is the female version of that word. i feel...desperate even. needy or whatever you want to call it. and i hate myself for even feeling this because i shouldnt. not when i m being so hypocritical and two-faced.

yet in this mess of things. i actually did manage to affirm one thing. and i dont know whether to feel relieved or not because its like this sinking feeling in my stomach that is weighing on me constantly because i m trying too hard.

its so hard to pretend sometimes. i dont know what exactly i mean doing anymore.

but i still want answers. but i m unwilling to take that step to ask for it because that may upset whatever little that there is and that is the last thing i want to happen.

feeling horrible as a person now. really.

2009-10-20T16:01:00.002+08:00

it is always at this time of the year that i m gripped by this unknown sense of fear and uncertainty.

was just reading the testimonials that my ct sent over the email and i guess even though i have known it for a long time, this is the first time i have come straight into face with the fact that i pretty much wasted my 2 years so far in jc.

in all honesty. i hate to compare myself with others. i hate it when my parents compare me with other people or when anyone else compares me with anyone in general. but at the same time, i cant help to look at others around me and make those comparisons that will just make me pale in comparison so much more.

maybe this is some inferiority complex that i secretly have. was with huilin the other day and something that she said made sense. that somehow when we judge ourselves, we always seem to be a lot harsher or more critical.

i guess in a way. i m critical of myself for all the wrong things in life and is not critical of myself for all the things which i should be. which somehow leads me to be convinced that i m somewhat superficial and only see things in the skin deep manner as i see, which is the very thing that i always tell myself not to do.

i came to a conclusion long time ago that i m a hypocrite. as with that conclusion i came to see everyone as hypocrites with the exception that maybe i rank a little higher on the hypocrisy chart than average. a lot of times i find myself trying to be someone that i m not even if that makes me be the someone that i want to be. its all these pretense that i put up for so long that i have forgotten who exactly i m before and its really confusing because at the end of everything, i feel so lost that i dont even know how far i have came, or perhaps, even regressed.

it seems that these days. i m not even going through the motions as i would. there is no more motion for me to go through because i m totally rebelling against going through those motions. i dont want any motions in my life. i want things i do willingly and things that i will do with zeal and not end of with complains that will result in me ranting and whining about how life sucks and how i hate myself for throwing myself into this crappy abyss that i cant get out of.

where exactly did i first take the wrong step? or where exactly have i started to lack in resolve to press on with what i m doing. i m not even doing anything right and i m sick and tired of everything. so what about those who are so freaking sick and tired of doing everything right? i m nothing compared to them isnt it.

my alevels are in like half a month's time. or even less. but this is the first time so freaking near to the exam that i havent started to feel the suffocating stress. i know i m usually slow to feeling all stressed out but this like...different. its a whole new level of zen-like indifference that i think i will only start feeling something when i get my stupid result slips and see all the ugly Ds Es or even Ss.

so this is the damn result of what happens when you headbutt yourself into something that your know is going to end up wrong. everything just snowballs into this whole mountain of grievances and nothing ever gets corrected. i m now just waiting for the crash to happen.

it wont be a happy ending that i m foreseeing next year when i get my result slip. it will be a freaking miracle if i ever see anything remotely close to a nice result slip. i dont foresee anything olevel miracle to happen to me. and i will admit honestly that i dont think i would have gotten the grades i did for olevels if not for the fact that i was facing less competition. it made me complacent and now i m just stuck being the hopelessly dreamer that i m, wishing for the same miracle to happen again.

being a student freaking sucks. and i m not even near a hardcore mugger student and i find all these so damn tiring. i dont mug, i dont do my work, i dont bother my grades, i dont even go to lessons. honestly. i have no idea how i freaking muddled through my jc years. these 2 years could have been used somewhere else more productively and not being wasted like how i did.

i dont wish for a chance for time to rewind so that i can change my mistake. because i wont know whether i will get out of one mistake only to spiral into another bigger one. i just hope for a chance to redeem myself after all these crap that i stupidly put myself through.i regret no doubt but i cant do anything about before i have walked so far in that there is no way out.

and hours later i will come back here and wonder why i even did start to wallow in the good old cliched self pity just to make myself feel better.

2009-04-21T21:47:00.002+08:00

绕了一大圈，最终还是回到了原点。

i m back.

back at the very place where i said was going to go. after half a year. i m still back.

i guess there are just too many things i cannot forget about with this blog. the attachment i feel to it even though i only had it since sec 3. but there's still something to hold on to here.

this is the only place i can find myself again.the self that was once happy and contented back in nanyang. and the self that has been lost ever since i have stepped into vjc.

was looking back at some of the posts. and its always nostalgic to do so. so much has changed in just a year plus. and looking back makes me crave for the past even more.

the present to me is just a big mistake. a burden that i piled onto myself and made it heavier with my own hands with each second. and this burden is threatening to crush me. and push me further into the mudpit that i have so stupidly stepped into.

call me weak. call me negative. everything happenes for a reason you say. and it certainly did. life has been too smooth sailing for me. and i m getting punished now that i have first tried taking my life into my own hands.

mistakes. mistakes mistakes.

i have never felt like i made so many mistakes in my life before. i have dropped into an abyss. so deep in that i find it hard to even try to stop the fall. let alone try to get out of it.

been thinking of turning back and restarting everything all over again. its all going so bad. and i cant foresee it picking up any sooner. there's just nothing for me to cling onto. nothing to keep me going all the time. there may be random spurs of drive. but momentary. they die out quickly. and i m left dangling. hanging on the edge. barely.

life has given me many chances to look back and undo what i have made. but i missed them too much. and there's no turning back now. its simply just pushing forward with what there is present. and try to make the best out of it.

i m not sure whether i can do it.

in a way. i feel alone. no pillar of support. no encouragement. yes there are people who care. but i have been too reliant on those who have been with me in nanyang such that somehow. i have shut people around me out that they can never reach the level on par with those from nanyang.

people who mean something to me now. people who mean something to me in the past. its different. and no matter how much i can let myself open up. its still different. i cant forget whats in the past.

or rather. i just keep on holding to the past. because the present now is so overwhelming. i desperately need something to hold on to or risk losing what has been in me.

its scary to live a life without a spark. without a passion burning through that can keep you going.

i cant seem to find that spark anymore. not even in the dreams that i always seek solace in. the many dreams that i have so many plans for.

everything is just going through the motion. no. its not even going through the motion. its trying to find a way to go around the motion because even the motion itself is so dreaded.

i m just trying to run away from everything. even though i have already sunk deep inside everything.

and its a vicious cycle forcing myself to go through everything each day. i end up hating it even more. and i end up not doing anything at all.

so many regrets. but no chance to remedy everything. this is life isnt it.

05. Reset - Super Junior
넌 이제 정말 아무렇지 않냐면서 넌 이따금 별 일 아닌 듯 내게 묻지
정말 내가 아무렇지 않아 보이니? 그러니?
난 아직도 너를 보면 가슴이 아파 금새라도 눈물이 쏟아질까 봐
애써 난 바보처럼 웃고 있는 걸 모르니?
이젠 어떻게 너와 내가 (다시 예전처럼 친구일 수 있니?) 정말 그럴 수 있니? 그런 거니?

Press the reset, press press the reset 난 널 너만을 보고 있는데
Press the reset, press press the reset 난 널 너를 잊을 수 없는데
Press the reset, press press the reset 내 앞에 서 있는 널 어떻게 놓으라는 거니?
Press the reset, press press the reset

그대여 무슨 말이라도 해요 그리움에 가슴속이 미어 그대도 그렇다고 tell me
내 심장이 멈춰버려 숨이 막혀 내 상처는 아물지가 않아
오늘도 그대 없는 빈자리 구석구석 가득히 눈물이 맺혀
혹시라도 그대 거기 올까 내 생각 가끔이나 할까 궁금해 미칠 것 같아
이런 내 맘 그대는 알까 사랑해 사랑해 약속할게 손 꽉 잡을게 미안해 미안해 돌아와줘 Press the reset

정말 우린 정말 돌아갈 수 없을까 그날 우리 처음 마주쳤던 그날로
그날로 돌아갈 순 없을까 제발 오 제발
어쩌면.. 혹시라도.. 만약에.. 너도 애써 나를 위해 웃고 있다면 정말 그런 거라면, 이제 돌아와

Press the reset, press press the reset 난 널 너만을 보고 있는데
Press the reset, press press the reset 난 널 너를 잊을 수 없는데
Press the reset, press press the reset 내 앞에 서 있는 널 어떻게 놓으라는 거니?
Press the reset, press press the reset

차라리 내가 떠나야 할까 이제 놓아주는 게 너를 위한 일일까 하지만
나를 용서해 그럴 수 없어 너를 잊을 수 없어 돌아와

Press the reset, press press the reset 난 널 너만을 보고 있는데
Press the reset, press press the reset 난 널 너를 잊을 수 없는데
Press the reset, press press the reset 내 앞에 서 있는 널 어떻게 놓으라는 거니?
Press the reset, press press the reset

2008-09-27T19:20:00.003+08:00

this blog is going to go soon.

yeah yeah. i know i said this like dont know how many times before but still i have never put my words into action coz i always feel like i should keep this blog coz it has been with me since err...after OBS in sec 3.

but now i guess it is time for some change huh?(:

i have already created my new blog site after spending my entire afternoon wondering which site i should use. and yeah. i m happy with my new blog now. or rather. i m happy with my minihompy now.(:

yep yep. i m a proud user of cyworld now. (: haha.i have my minihompy. my miniroom. my mini-me.and yeah all the cute little things all cyworld users have. (: except that the interface is in chinese coz i signed up with the taiwan site. the china site only allowed prc user while the usa site's blog is like bleh. so i m on the taiwan one.

i have no idea why i m so happy about my new cyworld account.haha.but its pretty fun and i m currently trying to decorate all my mini-stuff. (:

ok that aside. PROMOS ARE FINALLY OVERRRRR~~~~

(:

but i will be frank to say that i m bordering on the getting retained group. haha. ok not that i m happy about it la.this whole promos has been nothing but kind of like a wake up call that came too late for me.

but whatever it is. until my results come back to me. i shall still bask in my happy little world that i m exam free for the rest of this year.

oh man i just realised that i have no idea how all those cute little functions of cyworld works! haha. seems like the skins are not permanent?like they will expire after sometime and i will have to purchase them. oh man. how m i going to purchase all those skins.

so that aside while i figure it out myself. i FINALLY went out with huilin yesterday. whahahahahahaha. though i oveslept and was late so we missed out on eating cheap mac breakfast and ended up eating ex mos burger meal instead. it was quite fun catching up la. haha. and i got a hooded striped caridgan! thats like 3 in 1 kind of thing and i liked all that aspects. (: and though we spent quite some time in the various book store reading various books. it was still fun la. and feeling a little out of place with all the foreigners around coz of the f1 thing around. haha. next time will be soon alright? haha. and the sushi buffet thing...i promised it so yeah. we will go eat it once i saved up yeah? (:

for now i will focus on doing my subbing stuff for noss. and try to update as much as my fics as possible. haha. this sucks la. i stopped writing for a few days coz of promos and now i cant seem to feel the same enthusiasm i had when i first started the fics. damn it.

anyway. if there is anyone who ever reads my blog. this is my cyworld url. i will be closing down the blog in a couple of weeks' time. or whenever i feel like i can do it. haha.

http://tw.cyworld.com/qin91

ignore the cute skin for now. i will change it when i figure out what i should do with it. haha. (:

2008-09-04T00:12:00.002+08:00

life is all about a vicious cycle that is always on the repeat.

i was just thinking awhile ago when i was having my absolute writer's block and then this feeling of deja vu struck me.

i was like this a year ago.

ok maybe i m worse off now but its still somewhat similar.

lets take a look at this. a year ago at about this time.i posted my first fanfic on winglin.

yeah yeah. if you dont already know. i write fanfics. and i used to have 4 fanfics to my name until i discontinued one coz life got so busy.

but now looking at it. i might as well discontinue another one since i hardly ever update anymore.

anyway. i was inspired to write my first ever fanfic after reading petals in the wind which is an absolutely thrilling fic. seriously. the plot and everything is just so complex and intricate. i really salute the author for writing such a great fic. so yeah. because of that i was inspired to write take back the night which obviously has been a big challenge since it was my first time writing an english fanfic and i had stupidly tried to tackle an tricky plot.that was around september 2007 come to think of it.

oh yes i have dabbled in writing chinese fics before. i think when i was in sec 3? but then i stopped and they never did get published.

when i start on my first fic. it was damn exciting. going through the initial stages of having no reader to getting a handful of faithful readers who somehow just love the story even if it is ridiculous, the feeling was pretty good. like some sort of a recognition given even if no one really knows that its me who is writing it.

so i ended up writing a couple more fics on a spur of moment. one step forward...two steps back was ultimately abadoned because i didnt write it with a clear purpose of how i wanted to end it so it just got so tiring to try to squeeze something to write every time and even though the readers did like it, i wasnt satisfied with the way it was going. so i ended it.

then came before sunset which i had wanted it to be a great hit since i really thought about the storyline and i thought about the characters. and i went to do a little research on it. and i actually did like the way it was going. but then the thing was i got busy. busy with jc, busy trying to balance writing other fics. so busy that my passion for this story that i really liked had somewhat burned out.

but i will at least be proud that i have something that is completed to my name. a 4 parts short story that i completed in around march this year. i pretty much wrote it on a spur of moment. but i managed to complete it after much dragging as well.

so now all i have to my name as a fanfic author is one 43 chapters uncompleted but ongoing fic, one 3 chapters uncompleted but ongoing fic, one 4 part short story and an incomplete and abandoned fic.

i m going to add another one to my list of ongoing fics soon. a year after i have posted my first fic.

lets just say i havent been intending to write a new fanfic for very long since i have pretty much learnt my lesson of juggling too many fics at once and then not being able to cope and stuff.

that was when i read a chinese fic over at baidu a few days ago and damn, i got inspired.

so yeah. lets just say i have not been working on what i should work on for these few days.

but its really not been easy this time. i dont know why. as i work on something new and different this time i realised how tedious it is to write a fic.something that i never fully realise until now.

i had 50 pages worth of content in mircosoft words as of monday but at this very moment. i m reduced to just 3 pages.

over the course of 4 days i had written a lot. most of it just spontaneous writing and it actually worked until the 50th page. that was i stopped and reread everything again. and i found something wrong.

so from that 50th page it was reduced to 43. and from 43 i reduced it even further until i decided that it was not going to work and i opened a new document, copied over the prologue and tried to make some changes to it such that a new plot line can be conceived.

it worked for awhile. until i came to a mind block and i realised that it was never going to work out after all. so i opened another new document and i simply stared at the screen for a damn long time, trying to decide how in the world i m going to make this fic work.

i never went through this kind of stage with my first few fics.even with take back the night that is the longest fic with 43 chapters now i never did experience such a problem. possibly because i never really wanted to slow down to think if my fic was going the way i really wanted it.

but now i m back on track again. starting from scratch once more and rewriting every single chapter like i have never written them before. and i will probably find myself reading over everything once more and before i know it, some revamp will be on the way and i will find myself almost back at square one.

in a way. i guess life is like this. making decisions in the moment of spur and then when we regret it, we will find ourselves back in square one, restarting everything again. though yeah la. that actually dont happen coz when we regret its usually the end of it and we just got to move on.

my attitude towards writing fics should also be the attitude i take to view life. step by step. planning bit by bit. thinking over what has happened from time to time and then going back to correct or change what went wrong to make it better.

i know what i should do. but somehow i dont want to do it.

2008-08-24T21:51:00.002+08:00

ok so before i even begin on anything. i m going to say that i m here to spazz so yeah. spazzing alert to those who dont like my music taste and all. go study for your promos or whatsoever while i indulge in my spazzy world openly this time.

so yay. i m here to spazz. like finally. i have been wanting to spazz ever since like june? heh. but i never got about to doing it coz its just so weird and all and i was like still trying to confirm whether i m going to turn a fangirl for a BOYBAND for the first time and all. which by the way. i dont mean those possesseive obsessive fangirls who will cry if their oppas get touched a girl's fingertip and stuff. so yeah.i shall be a sensible and objective fangirl of SHINee.

yeah weird name i know. like seriously SHINee? spelling mistake or something? i have no idea how the korean thing behind it works but its supposed to mean the one who shines or something like that and since it has a decent enough meaning i will let it pass. plus its pretty catchy too if you pronounce correctly (READ AS: SHINE -NEE) so there you have it. not dong bang shin ki not super junior not big bang not FT island or which ever other boybands. talking about SHINee here.

you know. i was just thinking the other day what is it about their songs that is so addictive and then i came to conclusion that they are smart at picking songs. look at their debut song for example.

replay replay replay~~~

you see whats so addictive about it. those repetive words. in all honesty. i wasnt all hyped about them. i was like damn another of those stupid boybands from sm. i thought they were too freaking young to have any talent and their promo photo wasnt exactly very eye catching so yeah. i didnt care about them.

but then. i just so happened to drop by shenyuepop one day and the editor was like commenting that they seemed to have potential and the song is pretty catchy. so yeah. i decided that there was no harm trying to watch their mv and poof. i was addicted to the song instantly. and so imagine my surprise when i watched their debut performance and realised that they sang LIVE. so yeah. i know it may not sound like a biggie. but so far all the sm groups that have debuted have not sang live for their first performance but these guys did. and the thing is they sound decent. if not good. so yeah change of perspective of them totally. not to mention that the song was really growing on me as the days passed.

oh and did i mention that they can dance well too. so yes. another tick in my books coz yeah. dancing is a must in my books for me to like a certain band. haha. and so yeah. the remix of the song grew on me too. oh and plus points. they wear hoodies! haha. if you know me well then you should know that i m a sucker for hoodies.

so that was like the first song i liked from them. making me feel like a paedophile when i think like wow. this guy is pretty sexy and hot when like 3 out of the 5 guys are like younger than me. pfft. but i never really thought of them as like 'manly' guys rather than boyish guys until i saw this.

ok so i m not a fan of ballads most of the time. especially if they are like long and draggy for me so i wasnt really a fan of the song at first when i knew that it was a ballad so i always skipped the track whenever it played. but this performance just did it for me. the guys, especially jonghyun(yeah the guy in the middle) were just so soulful in their singing that it was so beautiful. not the mention the live band was great la. it defintely added a new feeling to the song. and when they sang 'you were my sun, the moon' the first time i was like just...touched. they may not be as good as the veteran ballad singers out there since they are still young and all but you could tell that they were really into the song and that is what made the song so touching. and jonghyun's performance here was so good. it was my first time seeing him sing so soulfully.

so i was really blown away by this performance. like seriously. i watched this clip one night and the next morning when i woke up. jonghyun's adilbs of 'without you girl' just kept playing in my head all the time. granted. i couldnt understand for like 90% of the song coz the accent was pretty bad. but his vocals really made up for it.and for a rookie. you can definitely say that he has a lot of potential to become even better.

and then i began to realise the trend of them singing songs with certain repetive words. first it was the replay replay replay thing. and now they did a cover of ne-yo's song and went so because of you so because of you which is like catchy as well.and ignoring the english for the moment. i must say jonghyun's voice took the show once more. but onew's harmonising were great too. these 2 are seriously good vocalists.and i must add that thanks to these guys i got to know ne-yo's song too.haha.

them being dorks on a radio show singing super junior's rokkugo.i wont say its a good performance la coz it was pretty messy but they were obviously having fun while eunhyuk and eeteuk seemed to like it too? haha. rokkugo rokkugo rokkugo!

so it's shake shake shake this time. i heard the original version bt blackbeat before but i wasnt really a fan of that song. but shinee's version is just a tad different. i think jonghyun and onew made it worked. their vocals are better and their adlibs were so good. and i prefer key and minho's rapping voice too.and seriously.they made the songs sound like its written for them la.oh and notice they are all wearing hoodies? makes me envious coz i dont have hoodies.

nothing better, nothing better than you~seriously. this guy is good at singing or what? haha. he loves to sing. he's good at it. and people agrees that he's good at it and so he's like always singing. i wonder how many fangirls have like melted listening to his voice la. but anyway. i listened to the original version of this song too. and in all honesty. brown eyed soul's version was better coz its a lot more soulful than his. but jonghyun's version is really soothing coz its pretty pure when you are young and still inexperienced in love matters.

and so just last night. these guys did a special stage with seo inyoung and sang rihanna's umbrella. while i will admit that the lyrics are creative and the guys did try their best(man they made me forget that their average age is only 16). i m not a fan of the song and still wont be a fan of it even if SHINee covered it. haha. but yeah. the repetitive thing applies here too. but in a damn annoying form of 'l-l-l-a-a-a'

sesokanteun sesokanteun sasokanteun neo~~~ ah crap i think my romanisations are wrong but heck la. its another additive title track from them again as they did a comeback stage today on sbs with love like oxygen. i caught it on tvants! whahahahahaha.but that aside. they are seriously growing up fast. from noona neomu yeppo to this. big change in style ah. but shinee world sounds really different. seriously. they seem to be trying out all sorts of genre. which may or may not work for them. but luckily they are supposed to a contemporary band which gives them more room to experiment with styles i guess.

so yeah. this is pretty much it up till now. haha. only about 3 months since their debut with noona neomu yeppo and now they are out with their first full length album with love like oxygen as title track. plus they won the hot new star award last night too. i wasnt really looking forward to mkmf and sbs gayo awards this year but now i really hope they will win so i m going to anticipate these shows now.

SHINee fighting!(: haha. for being the first boyband that i like and also the only other artiste other than BoA that i find worthy of being a fangirl for.

i m probably going to feel embarassed the moment i publish this and when people sees this. but oh well. this is me and my spazzy little self.

and a little something to end this. if i m the person i was a year ago. watching this clip would defintely have spurred me on to work very hard.but oh well circumstances are different.

2008-08-11T01:45:00.002+08:00

此时此刻的心情。。。也不知该怎么说才好。有些无言以对的感觉。但却不能否认自己心里那忐忑不安，七上八下的心态。面临每一天的开始，心里完全不是期待，而是害怕。

我开始厌倦这样的生活。

总觉得自己似乎失去了目标，迷失了方向。像一艏无助的小船，在无边无际的大海中，毫无目的地的漂浮着。即使想要靠岸，也是无法找到任何一座小岛停沱。

我似乎已经遗失了自我。

有时候，是真的真地想逃避这一切，想要摆脱这样的生活。而面对的现在命运给着的考验，也只不过是一个空虚的自己。

我真的好想每天生活在自己的梦幻世界里。

连日来，从来没有一日没有沉浸在自己的虚拟世界。即使心里知道是没有可能实现，但还是存留着那天真烂漫的幻想。

我从来都没有这么渴望要梦想实现。

时间一分一秒的流失。而在这个分秒必争的环境中，我感到有些窒息。周围的一切，似乎进展得太快太快，而我早已经被遗留在后，无法赶上一切。

我还是无法适应这新的环境。

只知道自己已经掉落了一个无底洞里，到了无法自拔的地步。

我已经无法分清自己是活在哪一个世界里。

此时此刻，突然感到内心的空虚。而单单是想到眼前所需要面对的一切，突然感到好累好累。

就让我继续活在自己的幻想中，过着一个完美的生活吧。

2008-07-20T23:15:00.002+08:00

it all comes back to a full circle. and now i m here again.

i ought to be feeling panicky and all right now you know. but the thing is. i m not. i cant explain why either. its just...kind of like you are past this stage that you are numb and you are just too tired to want to think anymore?

let me list down the things i have NOT done and which should have been done today or better still, weeks ago:

GP midyear paper. (yeah i m still not done with the essay part)
history midyear paper(damn it la i have no idea where to begin)
math midyear paper(in my defence, i have started on it but my GC gave up on me)
mini IS proposal(took me a damn long time to decide but i have not conceptualise yet)
PW(i hate contacting organisations in general. period)
econs tutorial(ok i dont even know what lecture we are at now)

not to mention stuff that i owe from last term. well i kind of took the initiative in cancelling the debt myself so oh well.

i know i know i know that if i continue this way i m probably going to get retain and suspended and all sorts of weird nonsense. its pretty much in my face kind of thing somehow.it is not working to faze yet.

i met allison in school on friday coz she came for some amazing forensic race thingy at vj. havent seen her in a long while. and somehow. seeing her again makes me feel a sense of longing for something. but i guess its part of my desire to want to get out of my life currently that is making me think about that again.

and then i saw leying yesterday at suntec after ndp.to be honest. i havent really seen many of the old faces from ny ever since graduation and i dont know. it just feels weird in a way? like i feel like everything seems to be so clear but yet so distant at the same time.

time moves so fast that it is scary. but what is even scarier is seeing how fast people move along with it.

people change. everyone do change. even me. but somehow i feel like there are people who are changing so much that i feel like i dont know them as well as before. maybe its me who have not changed that is making it seem like they are so much different. but sometimes. it just scares me that i dont seem to be able to connect as well to certain people.

i have met people who have somehow made my less-than-enjoyable-jc-life much more brighter. but yet at times, there will always be blemishes that will appear to marr the life that i thought maybe could work out after all. and all that just make me feel like i m going back to square one. or rather make me realise that all along. i have always been at square one. just that i never really noticed it.

this is just me becoming more and more superficial. living a life that i dont even bother to look deeper into or to care deeply about. maybe i do look, i do care, i do try to be involved. but its all obviously too little to make a difference.

there was a time when i could just lose sleep over thinking. over reflecting on the kind of person that i m. reflecting on the kind of life that i m leading. on what i want in life unltimately. and i would think of life itself. and i would look at other people. look at how life has been for them. how they were down and out but yet were still able to bounce back eventually.

i get my inspiration from people who i know i will never be able to reach to. but i feel comforted each time by them. seeing how much they have come from. how much they have been through. these are the people who make my so called sucky life seem so inconsequential.

people who spend their life working so damn hard for what they truly believe in, for what they are truly passionate about, deserve their happy endings.

and me?

i spend 99% of my life sleeping away. wasting away time that i can use to really pursue what i really want to be.

thats the difference between those who will defintely succeed and those who always fall short of succeeding, or rather, never even being able to take off on the flight in the first place.

going through the motions

walking through my lines.

i cant even see

if this is really me

and i just want to be

alive.

once more with feeling. is it so hard to do it?

2008-07-07T23:58:00.002+08:00

this is seriously getting old.everytime i m here to blog. i m feeling the same old emotions again and at the end of blogging i will feel all emo and stuff.

its hard to believe that thi one of week of hustle and bustle is gone just like that in a few hours' time i will have to return back to my boring and annoying school life as a normal student. i will miss the early than usual early mornings that calls for sleepovers at sweejin's place from time to time. the later than late nights that we have to climb the gate out and missing my last bus. sigh. its all tiring and draining but at the end of it. i will gladly choose this over my normal school life.

one whole month of tsd gone like this. everything that had began to pick up after i got back from beijing up till yesterday. i cant remember everything. i cant remember much. but its just over like this. and at the end of the stretch of road, i feel like its been too smooth, too without any pitstops, without too many rocks, without too many moments that i can hold onto and look back on. what i have now are all the same of each other. and i feel really wasted. like i have did so much but so little at the same time.

times like this i will find myself reflecting on the person that i m once more. reflecting on why this whole so-called journey had ended up this way. i might have just envisioned it in a better way obviously but at the end of it. nothing ever materialises and i cant be more right than to say that 99% of the fault that i didnt get my happy ending lies with me alone.

i have my fair share of happiness and craziness and really memorable times to hold onto. how can i forget my dearest fellow underwired! crew who are probably one of the first people who has seen more than the so-called dao and snobbish me(or the quiet me for some others)? i really enjoyed myself with them.even though it has been crazy at times with all the bumping in and stuff and all the frustrations at first. but i guess everything did work out and i m glad that i m part of this really nice and superb crew! the sleepover was really fun.and i do hope that that wont be the last time we will be spending a sleepover together too.all of our whinnings/complaining/gossiping sessions were really fun and i love you all girls for that!(:

and to the rest of the tsd people who i m in the same crew in. sigh. i guess maybe the crews are too big to begin with so i m really sorry that if i didnt get to know you as well as i had hoped to.but i m really grateful to have you guys around to make slots interesting or to just whine and complain when slots get really draggy/boring/tiring/unproductive/late and whatever else. thanks for being such nice people.setting the mood and atmosphere for everyone else. and thanks to people like arianto naomi lennart junfeng sarah and whoever else who did so freaking a lot on top of their already burdensome responsibility. thank you all so much for just being there and making me feel comforted from time to time.

and then the seniors. sigh. i never got to know anyone of them as well as i had hoped to. and i guess in a way. i do feel a tinge of pity and also regret. but i guess in life. there are just some people who are not meant to be part of one's life. and some just has to be the passing clouds. and for the people who i want to know but never have the chance to know them while they are still close by, thats probably one regret i will have.but i still want to thank the seniors nonetheless especially those i crewed for. i dont know. thanks for being so nice and patient to tahan how irritating and annoying i m. i know i m not the best junior around and neither m i someone who you really like and stuff but yeah. thanks for making me a part of the piece whether it was by choice or not and thanks for letting me learn stuff i guess. oh and also have fun during slots with the rest of the crew.

damn it la. why the hell has this post suddenly turn into some kind of appreciation thank you speech post. i didnt intend for it to turn out this way.

sigh. my kor just told me about an incident during last night's interval and honestly. it is kind of affecting me a little. i feel the need to defend that certain someone who i do know that what my kor said is true and it isnt very pleasant to know that either.

i cant believe that i let loose my waterworks last night. its freaking paiseh and all considering its been a long time since this happen. i dont know. in a way. i m freaking buay song at myself for actually crying over the piece? i wasnt trying to be AA or anything but damn it la. the piece went so badly and the moment that stupid bulldozer fell apart in my hands i was totally freaked out that it happened and i couldnt manipulate at all and for goodness's sake its the last showing and that had to happen during then of all the times!i really really like her piece a lot. and i really want to do a superb run or at least help be a part of a superb run. yet after last night. all i felt was guilt? screwing it everything that i was holding onto. even to that big tree that wasnt even supposed to be my responsibiltity. heh.

i have a few bruises on my thigh and my pelvic bone area as testament of my saigang work yesterday. oh well. the result of being gei kiang.

a feeling of disappointment is sinking in slowly. i have no idea why. but i just keep getting this weird feeling that the problem still lies with me ultimately.

some people are born and loved. some people are born to be loved. while others are born, needing and awaiting but never getting loved.

2008-06-30T00:32:00.002+08:00

ok so i m at sweejin's place now for a sleepover. my first sleepover that is not at a netballer's place.haha.we actually ought to be sleeping now since we need to wake up at like 530 to reach school at like 6.

its going to be the seniors' alevels tomorrow.(or rather a few hours later) i feel kind of excited and also nervous for them? i guess i want them to do well despite all that i feel about the course and stuff la. yep.whether it is underwired! yeowboon shiangnee desmond or whoever else that i m crewing for. i really want everything to go well.

i missed out on the cheerleading team outing today. ma wanted me to go for yihao's son's man yue gathering instead so i couldnt go. sigh. i guess i kind of expected it anyway. missing team outings. somehow i dont get a very good feeling about things to come for me in cheer suddenly. its kind of like the feeling i got when i was in nynb in like sec2 during merging and then i got injured and stuff?

i m actually about to enter a state of serious spazzing mood now but then i m not using my own laptop so i shall not do it. haha. its thje first time i m spazzing so much about ______.i will probably do a real spazzing post with photos and videos and everything else. and dont worry its not about boa. its of an opposite gender this time.(:

oh and the october intake thing is not going to happen. even though i did put a lot of thought into it but ultimately my power of persuasion isnt good enough to convince my family. so i just got to live with what i have now.

sitting here in front of the screen at this moment makes me feel very distant all of the sudden. i feel like i have lost touch with a lot of people. and i never really had any one really close to begin with.

sigh. i m beginning to feel depress now.

'cause you are my sun, the moon...

2008-06-22T14:03:00.017+08:00

its 22nd of june now.

and soon it will be 23rd june.

and what does that mean?

my one month's worth of precious vacation is going to be over.

school is reopening tomorrow. sigh.

how i dread it.

anyway that aside. i have been wanting to blog since like i came back from beijing but haha. i was too damn occupied with my holiday mood basking that i didnt do it and before i knew it. slots started so i never had time to blog. and now because i desperately want to get my mind off tomorrow. i m going to blog.

i know i promised a picture spam on SKM that happened like a month ago. but the pictures are still unreadable for the moment and i m still trying to sort them out. so sorry to those who have like a lot of nice and pretty photos on my camera! i swear i will sort them out in the right format and upload them soon.

so i will now dedicate my picture post to my one week trip to beijing. my flight was delayed by an hour to like 105am so you could imagine my horror when i found that out on the board after seeing all my teammates go off. pfft. anyway. air china is exactly the greatest way to fly. haha. my kor took a bite of the beehoon served as supper an hour after the plane took and he declared it to be 'ridiculously lousy. haha.

i shall now let pictures do the talking now. or rather. most of the talking.

the first photo we took on this entire trip at the airport. seriously. singapore should have these around too. us being all kiasu and kanjong singaporeans. we probably need it more.

meet the legendary 麒麟 also known as the 四不象。

yeah. this was our first attraction in the whole tour. 颐和园.the place where empress dowager cixi like to reside in if i remember correctly. haha. it was raining so everything looks all misty and foggy. and yeah. i was wearing my fake nike hoodie aka 周杰伦.

we went to this acrobatics show at night and i couldnt stop thinking about cheer! haha. look at the guy doing single ex!

and the girls are equally zai too. the way they got up on shoulder stands is like effortless. pfft. PH 14. haha.

seriously. acrobats will make very good cheerleaders. haha.

we were dropped off at this 小吃街 after that. i was hungry after the disappointing dinner.

me ka jiao-ing my kor while he ate this lamb kebab thing. it wasnt that delicious apparently.

extreme gourmet much? fear factor comes to mind suddenly. err...supper anybody?

a very contented me and my jie with our 泡泡茶 and 冰糖葫芦. haha.

the all too famous 天安门 square. haha. and not forgetting our dear 毛主席.

with my siblings! that 油条 sign that came to me for no reason. haha. my kor's head blocked mao's head in the photo. opps.

with my entire family again. haha. never noticed that fire extinguisher until now.

and now taking you on a glimpse of 紫禁城 aka the forbidden city. its like seriously huge.

a SMALL part of the palace. its not even one o the main structures la. which explains why its so empty. that whole place is so huge. i didnt get to go to every structure. just the more famous ones which were like crowded like dont know what.

a damn amusing toilet in the palace. it's well...not exactly that clean but then again. its pretty not bad i guess?

the emperor's bed. whahahahaha. but to be honest it doesnt look very comfy.

introducing to you: china's version of moo ice cream.

delicious much? well it's actually quite nice. and cuter than the singapore one i guess. haha.

another amusing photo. my kor was trying to zoom in on that pagoda thing while inside the bus and he caught the temperature thingy along with it.

an interesting phenomenon in china somehow. wherever and whenever there will always been people squatting on the streets. haha.

self-cam with my kor while on our trishaw ride.

presenting: the two pretty 千金大小姐 and their hardworking trishaw rider.

...the overworked chauffeur with her overweight 大少爷.

my kor and i made our jie do her imitation of a cheerleader pose and this is what she gave us. haha. but honestly she's a fan of vj knights. her msn nick was like 'VJ KNIGHTS ROCKZ!' after the day of SKM. haha.

our dear mascots for the beijing olympics. 北北，京京，欢欢，迎迎 and 妮妮．

with my pa at the temple of heaven aka天坛．

全家福！haha. seriously. this place is huge as well. i wonder how those roal people in the past manage to travel around. like seriously.given how pampered they are. i doubt its all done on foot.

my attempt at taking an artstis shot. haha. was trying to get the sun on top of that beam thingy so that it will look like a giant matchstick but it flopped la.

at the foot of the portion of great wall that we climbed. the plaque is something that err...sun yat sen said?

still happy and all energetic at the start of the climb...

...but all tired and out of breath halfway through. haha. yeah i striped off my outer top coz it was damn hot la.

yay! we reached the top of the really short portion that we climbed. so yeah. no big achievement kind of thing. maybe except we were the first from our tour group to reach there?

the view of the portion of the great wall opposite us. i want to try climbing that! looks more challenging! haha.

my kor and i spotted these terracotta warriors from afar...

...and we decided to goof around...

kor: "oi. cannot la! you too short already!"　

and so he came into the picture. fits in totally dont you think? haha.

yeah. this is me being stupid. i couldnt resist. whahahahahhahahaha.

nothing spectacular about the statue. but look at the pile of notes at its foor. its all MONEY notes. like seriously.money.

woots! a farm! haha. not as big as my relatives' one but still there are horses and chickens!haha.　

cherries! it was the cheery season so we got to pluck fresh ones to eat. not as sweet as i had hoped though. i prefer the preserved ones i guess?

ah. engrish dot com. whahahahahahahahha.

near the bird nest. the stadium specially built for the beijing olympics.

the countdown timer thingy to the olympic day. haha. 62 days away then!　

the king of 普洱茶 which doesnt look very impressive i know.

i was hoping to get my reprieve from schoolwork so imagine my horror and dismay when this absurd math channel came up when my kor was channel surfing in the hotel. like huh?　

at the summer palace in chengde. haha. it was damn hot la. the guide cheated us and said it would be cooling. pfft.

this was the place where they shot 环珠格格．but i dont remember the scene looking like this actually.

kawaii ne? haha. these deers are actually allowed to roam around the palace. i think they are let out in batches?

on top of 小布达拉宫．we were one of the few who chose to climb to the top. the rest were too lazy to do it.ahahahhahahaha.

haha. this was my kor's idea. 'the place: yo!'

an amusing store outside our hotel.haha. i dont know whether this is discriminatory or what la but still it is funny.

we went to this theme park! frist time for me k!

does this look familar? replicas of the lost mayas! cool huh? i love the concept of the theme park!

playing some lame game with my ma. i refuse to show my face here.

our parting shot with our tour guide. she's actually quite nice aside from being very dia and all. she did try to engage us but too bad, i always fell asleep. or rather. zonked out instantly.

so that ends my little short trip to beijing. even though i prefer the air and stuff in singapore. i still like the relaxed time i had there. goofing around with my kor, getting mistakened as my kor's girlfriend, sleeping like nothing on the bus and watching air crash investigation at night till 1am everyday in the hotel. one week was just gone like that. and then i was back in singapore.

and my urge to want to travel the world has come back to me. maybe not the whole world for now. but i just want to get away. but i know that i will miss singapore no matter where i go coz well. i m a spoil singaporean brat. haha. not that i can really fly off anyway. i was just thinking.

sigh. but this is just me talking. the me who has stupidly made the wrong choice to go to vjc and still foolishly stayed on despite knowing that life is going to suck big time over there.

2008-06-02T15:51:00.002+08:00

yay! we did it! i cant believe that its all over but we did it! everyone did awesome!(:

i love you all non-stunt people! i really enjoyed our times together! it seriously made my rather bleh vj life so much more hyped up!

and congrats to the stunt team for the great job! woots! first time participants and first time open stunting champions!(:

not to forget non-stunt too! we got silver but with pride!(: we came a long way since prelims so yeah. getting this may not be the best we wanted but its seriously a feat to even begin with! KUDOS to shaun and xinyi for coaching us to where we are in just 3 weeks! (:

ah. i will seriously blog a lot more about SKM but then i m like seriously in need of packing my luggage since i m flying off in like another 8 hours time.haha.i will seriously do a picture post about SKM!

woots!i m so proud to be part of this team! (:

K-N-I-G-H-T-S

KNIGHTS C'MON KNIGHTS

VJ KNIGHTS!

2008-05-25T00:17:00.002+08:00

MOON & SUNRISE

あおいそらはいつもおなじでこどくなふしぎさね
かなしみもさびしさもすべてかくしているみたい
すれちがうたびにそういつかこんなわたしもまた
ひとつのおもいでをこころにきざみこんだみたい

やさしいえがおわらいあうあのふたりのしあわせにも
もうさいごのひがきえるころ

かぜがふいてまちはきょうもひとなみあふれる
きみのこえがすこしはなれてゆく
そらはたかくきみのこころみたいにとおくて
涙だけがわたしのそばにいる
そうわすれないよきみを

しろいくもはいつもきまぐれじだいときみのよう
よろこびもぬくもりもいつかかたちをかえてゆく
あのころみてたえいがさえもりばいばるにかわり
おさなかったしょうねんたちのいまはもうわからない

ひとはいくつのおもいでをつくるのだろうでもいえる
きみとあえてよかったほんと

つきがてらすよるがあけるたいようがかがやく
そんなふうにわたしわすれてゆく
うそでもねえほほえむことはすてきなことね
涙だけがすなおにないている
またあえばわらえるように

かぜがふいてまちはきょうもひとなみあふれる
きみのこえがすこしはなれてゆく
つきがてらすよるがあけるたいようがかがやく
そんなふうにわたしわすれてゆく
うそでもねえほほえむことはすてきなことね
涙だけがすなおにないている
またあえばわらえるように

i wont say that moon and sunrise is my all time favourite song from boa. because well it is totally not. but i really do like the instrumental of the song.

but why post the lyrics of this song now? i have no idea. i guess since i m feeling a little emo, i will just post a less than happy lyrics? haha.

if you do understand japanese. i guess you ought to have realise by now that the whole song is almost entirely written in hiragana which like damn weird coz eh...where are all the kanjis? well there is just one kanji in the entire lyrics. '涙'. and i guess if you know chinese then you ought to know what this means.

MOON&SUNRISE

不变的蓝天孤独的不可思议
仿佛藏起了所有哀伤与寂寞
每当彼此擦肩而过这样的我
就像又把一段回忆刻画在心头

温柔的笑靥两人相视而笑的幸福
就在最后的一盏火即将熄灭的时候

在风中街头今日依旧充满了人潮
你的声音开始离我远去
天空好高就像你的心离我好远
只有泪水在陪伴着我
是的我不会忘记了你

白云总是变化难测一如时代与你
无论是快乐是温暖终将变得不同
甚至连当时看过的电影也成了旧片再映
当年稚气的少年们如今已不知在哪里

我不知一个人究竟可以创造多少回忆
但是我敢说我真的很高兴能够遇见你

月光照耀暗夜将尽阳光开始普照
正一如我开始逐渐忘怀
即使如此微笑仍是一件美好的事情
只有泪水在坦率地哭泣
为了在下次相遇时能开怀的笑

在风中街头今日依旧充满了人潮
你的声音开始离我远去
月光照耀暗夜将尽阳光开始普照
正一如我开始逐渐忘怀
即使如此微笑仍是一件美好的事情
只有泪水在坦率地哭泣
为了在下次相遇时能开怀的笑

i m actually feeling really uninspired now. i cant do my subbing stuff because i dont have my video. and i dont have any ideas for my chapter. oh well. so i have just officially sank into my another bout of self pity state now that i have nothing to occupy myself with.

but thank goodness its finally holidays. like oh my gosh. finally. HOLIDAYS. phew. but with skm coming up. i wont be getting a total reprieve as yet i guess. not that i mind la. i will rather train for the entire day than to do stuff like write essays compres and whatever else that i have that i wont state here.

i have something that i want to get off my chest and i really dont care who reads it now. the choices has been made anyway.and i m just not part of it.

lets just say that even though i have well expected not to get it. it always sucks to hear it personally that i didnt get in. maybe i should have interupted that day and say it out myself.i dont know whether that will make the impact lesser or what la. or whether it is rude or not. but the bottomline is...it sucks.

i cant really pinpoint what exactly it is that i felt. i was disappointed in a way. i m definitely sore about it. i even felt a little angry at one point. it was the exact same reaction that i had when dr chew told me that time that i tore my acl.

and once again. i went into a battlefield and fought a losing battle that i knew was going to flop in the first place.

stupid meiqin.

i hate the distinction about the exco and the members thing. i said it that i dont see any difference between the exco and members because everyone is supposed to contribute and help. so i will definitely help even if i m a member.

but its always easier said than done.

lets just say i want. but i dont know whether i should.or whether i could.

i tried too hard that day. when i was told that i didnt get in. i tried too hard. i should have just kept a really disappointed face or whatever. i shouldnt have bothered looking into anyone's eyes and stuff. i should have just acted like some unreasonable brat and demanded for a place kind of thing.

yeah right man. like i will even dare to do that. actually i may dare. but with that kind of situation and circumstances. well probably not.

and it just have to take place outside 24.

i cant stop thinking about it. maybe i will in another week or so. but not for now. not for these couple of days.

damn it damn it damn it. get out of my head you stupid thoughts.

i need to get it in my head that i dont deserve anything so that i will stop feeling angry sore or whatsoever. i need to like convince myself that i such so much because my attitude is the lousiest in the team and that i m damn slack ands stuff.

at least that kind of reasons will be better than the kind of reason that was being mentioned.

你为什么那么害怕哭泣？你的眼泪是为自己而流，你干吗为了别人来勉强自己？

2008-05-21T22:42:00.002+08:00

its 21st may 2008. haha. so this leaves me with one thing to do.

HAPPY 1st POST-OP YEAR TO MY RIGHT KNEE!(:

haha i know this is probably damn lame but let me just relish in the utter stupidity of myself.

so its been a year since i went for my acl recon. i guess in a way you can say that my knee got a new lease of life after the op? now i m up and running about again in cheerleading. i still miss netball though. and i want to go back even though i dont know whether i can.

in all honesty. i m seriously playing with fire here. my knee is actually not suited to take whatever i m putting it through now. its not strong enough. and coupled with my preexisting loose joint problem. it just worsens. but i m still not going to stop cheer just because of this. even with all the pains i get after training each time. all the annoying and freaky times when my knee threatens to give way and all.

my dear knee, i m sorry for pushing you so hard but please stay strong yeah? at least for another year until i m done with vj knights. let me at least have a proper finish in the sport. dont just give up on me again just before season or something. once is definitely enough.

sigh. its actually not so much of a the pain issue that i m talking about here i guess. to heck with the pain even though it does sucks horribly coz i couldnt sleep well for like days after my op and after my injury i couldnt not walk with a limp for like a week. but anyway. lets just say that i m still a little sore about the fact that i missed out on the last bdiv la.and to leave the court so abruptly still feels crappy somewhat. i still remember how upset i was when i couldnt convince chang to at least let me try out for another month.i was fighting a losing battle and i still insisted on doing it even though i knew i would lose

i never knew that my injury was an acl tear until january 20th last year. and i injured it on the 14/15th of november. i actually suspected acl tear but my sinseh said he couldnt really tell so he diagnosed it as mcl tear instead. turns out that it was mcl and acl tear.and i still remember that day at clinic l when dr chew checked my knee. i didnt need to wait till he told me and i already knew that it was acl tear. his face showed everything. but still somehow, despite expecting it. i was still crushed when i heard it.

damn it. why is everything still so vivid in my mind now. and i got a vague feeling that i blogged about this last year when i first knew about my condition.

but i guess what came out of my acl tear thing is a lot more than just the three little holes and one 2 and a half inch scar along with a permanent metal screw in my leg thing. it actually seriously made me reflect on myself. i remember how i sank into a serious and horrible stage of self pity that i never even realised until someone frankly shot it at me. yet even then. i was still somehow pitying myself. like me.15 years old at the time of injury and 16 years 0ld at the time of operation. i guess i was just so unhappy at how unfair the world is to me?

i actually still feel that from time to time. especially in times of frustrations when i feel that my knee is a liability.

i dont have the privillege of owning or having a gum nearby. neither do i have the privillege to engage in the best physiotherapist(not that bijun and sheik are not good) or the time in the world to have a good rehab. its been a year. and i m still in knee class.maybe moving on to sports class soon but somehow. i still dont feel like how a one year old post op person should be.

my acl period made me think a lot more than usual. like seriously a lot a lot. whether it in inside or outside of school and home and stuff. it just made me realise a lot of stuff i guess. but somehow though. i seemed to have forgotten some of those things now that i m in vj.

i m actually indulging in my self pity again as i m blogging this. sigh.

on a different note. i was actually contemplating wearing my knee brace to school today to like commerate my one year thing but i thought better of it. couldnt find it anyway. but i really ought to do that at least once while i m still in vj.

2008-05-19T23:27:00.002+08:00

time passes so fast. really fast.

i was just sitting at the dinner table just now eating my roasted duck rice when the 8pm channel variety about some chinese competition amongst secondary school played. and then it suddenly occured to me that its a week after i last saw it. and the thing is. i havent been home for dinner before 8 last week except for that monday.

its monday again. or rather. going to be tuesday soon.

and i kept thinking that it was sunday.

i dont know whether to find it funny. i lived through yesterday which is a sunday fearing for my monday and when my monday came. i lived through just like how i lived through my sunday.

there is just this sense of paranoia in me whenever i know my break is ending and that the next day is school day again. it's almost suffocating.

i have always dreaded school. from kindergarden to primary school to secondary school and till now. i still dread it.

but this is the first time i am scared of school. well on top hating it and dreading it.

and the main reason is because i owe so much homework that well...i ought to just repeat my first semester because i m so behind on work.

i can so foresee where this post is going to go now and i m sure my faithful readers will just get bored from seeing another repetitive post about me lamenting about how school is making my life sucky.

i shall approach this post differently. but still with the same aim of whinning in my mind.

so lets see. what will i be doing if there is no school tomorrow and i have no homework to do(oh well actually i will still be doing it even if i have homework but for heck's sake)

i will be happily doing the timing for the AIUEO video(yeah go figure what it is) that i just translated yesterday. then i will probably start translating the bistro smap video while working on chapter 2(i m thinking of renaming it chapter 3) of before sunset which i finally started on yesterday as well.oh then i will probably watch all the harry potter movies again because i just got hooked on fanfiction.net once more. ok maybe not all the movies. but from the PoA onwards. ah and perhaps see if i m capable of recording something for the only love collab.ah and perhaps get started on chapter 43 of take back the night. oh and maybe even think up of a new plot or something.

sigh. but obviously thats not going to happen la. wah lao. even if tomorrow is not a schoolday. i wont be able to finish everyday. maybe just the timing of AIUEO and chapter 3 of before sunset. oh and finish the OoTP since i m actually watching it now. but simply to it. i cant do everything because well...writing a bloody chapter that used to take me 2 hours can take me up to a day because i write so much more longer than before. my one chapter used to be like 2 pages on msword but now it is like minimum 10 pages. hmmm. as for timing. everything is easy now that i m done with the translations.i will probably get sick and tired of that video after a day but heck.i m going to proud when it is up on youtube or all the enjoy.

i wish i can somehow slot in training. that will be my ideal day you know. just doing the timings and writing and then training. and yeah the eating and sleeping obviously. i wish that will be it. my one day.

my migraines in school are getting from bad to worse. it used to be only on long days or when i had long lessons. but now. its almost constant. so much that every lesson i find myself needing to sleep it off whether i want it or not. so no prize for guessing that thats what i have been doing. sleeping in every lesson. sometimes. its just a brief shuteye but sometime i can just sleep through everything. or better still, not go at all and instead sleep somewhere else.

i used to be able to survive on 4 hours sleep a day. heck i even went to school once without sleep but now i doubt it is possible. i will probably be out cold on my pa's lorry to point that i wont even wake up when he reaches vj.

maybe i ought to have done my acl recon like now. so that i can totally utilise my 2 weeks post op mc that i never used at all last year because i wanted to go back school and see my friends so much.

i dread school. i fear what is coming for me. even though i have like less than a week to go before vacation. but that all the more scares me because i know that i cant rush out all the work i owe and it really isnt as simple as in ny when i know the teachers well enough to owe work for up to like months. damn it. i kind of even wish that i get detention so that i can get my butt down and force myself to complete the work. of course i will probably doze off halfway but at least something more will be done.i hope.

sign i m feeling a headache slowly creeping up on me as i m typing this.

anyway. i shall talk about other stuff in an attempt to de-emo my post.

KOH HUILIN. you lucky freak. flying off to thailand on wednesday which effectively mean that you have only tomorrow to tahan for school(or rather to tahan that obsessive complusive childish little *ahem*) go buy me goodies! whahahahahaha. you know what i like so i shall await and see. i will buy you something when i m in beijing! really. i know you want a panda but sorry la. i cant get you that and since you dont want a soft toy. too bad. maybe next time we can go on a vacation to china(maybe after our bali/krabi escapee) and we can visit a zoo together to look at pandas? haha. i will i will make damn sure that i will spend one day of my holidays OVERNIGHT at your place. haha. if you welcome me that is.but anyway. saturday was fun despite it being a flopped date. we really ought to stop falling asleep at each other's homes because it will only mess up our plans for the day each time!ok this is enough. i shall only single you out because you were so damn annoying on saturday. HAH.but enjoy your trip to thailand anyway(: i trust that you will remember me when you are buying stuff. whahahahahahahhahahaha.

2008-05-11T22:31:00.002+08:00

sigh. i m becoming a boring old naggy grandma.

why? because everytime i m here with the intention of blogging. i realise that i have the same old things to say. and that has been happening since say...january?

i was just sitting in front of my laptop as usual after dinner just now. and then this thought just came into my mind. like when was the last time i actually sat down and think about my life and the kind of person i m?i cant remember.

sure i have been slacking off work but all i do is to do catching up on the kpop/jpop scene and stuff when i m slacking. it wasnt like before when i do just stone for no reason and seriously think about my life. about how screwed(or not) it is. about how i see my future. about how i want things to go.

i m just moving on without an aim now. with just the thought of getting through everyday in my mind.not that in the past i dont want to just get through everything. but now. it just seem so empty that i m not doing something with the thought of acheieving something for the future.

i feel that i have become more shallow somehow.i can just spend a good whole day ranting about how my life sucks now because i m stuck in a crappy environment and circumstances and blah blah blah. i will complain and whine non stop about it. that i m sinking into self pity in a way.

but in the past i will have been jolted awake by the people around me. now i m truly letting myself sink further and deeper in. sigh. and the worst thing? i m perfectly fine with myself becoming this way.

people change as they move on. i can already see how a few of the people have changed ever since the last time i have seen them. and i know for sure that i have changed somewhat too. and this is confusing me. i dont know who i m suddenly. i dont know what is the real me. i dont know whether i m putting on a mask because i cant even be sure what is not me anyway. its all the conflicting. all too mind boggling.

though one thing that hasnt changed about me is my slackness. in fact it has hit a whole new level of slackness which ought to render me worthy of some sort of an expulsion. or maybe a detention of some sort.

somehow i havent seen the need to really reexamine myself as i move on. i always thought that i wont change much as stuff being the stupid idiot i m. and even if there are times that i feel like i truly hate myself. there really wasnt any time for me to really sit down and think over myself. either that or i havent felt the urgent need for me to really sit and examine and reflect over how sucky i have become.

the exco interview on friday finally convinced my inner self that i need to take off a long break to think over myself.

i wont exactly comment on the interview itself. except that yes i m indeed rather traumatised in a way since i have never been scrutinised and interogated so much that i felt so crushed at so many points. definitely a reminder in my life as i move on. and i certainly hope that my other interviews for stuff like scholarships and internships and whatever else wont turn out like that.

the interview made me realise a few things about myself. i realise how naive i could be at times. i realise how act-knowing i can be at times. i realise how superficial i can be at times. but most importantly. i realise that i dont really understand myself in the first place.

what in the world prompted me to really want to run for exco and then to write a crappy essay that ought to be in the incinerator the moment it was conceived and what prompted me to really step into that room that day for the interview sprouting out stuff that hardly qualify myself as capable enough?

perhaps i m being pessimistic here. perhaps just like that day. i m totally at a zero confidence state and stuff. and to be honest. i felt so drained during the interview that day. so much so that there was even a fleeting moment of doubt that i suddenly felt. that i m not worthy. that i m not deserving. that i m hardly capable at all.

times like this made me realise how weak i have become.in that fleeting moment of interview. i really, and i mean it, i really almost blurted out that i was undeserving of the post when the question of whether i still feel i m deserving was put forth to me. i was uncertain. and unsettled. and in that moment. i just wanted everything to end. i wanted to not carry any more. i wanted to just say no and then walk out of the room and look back like it was a silly little mistake that i made and stuff.

it would have been the end for me if i had said that. maybe there is still a little bit of mental strength in me that put up enough of a protest that made me said otherwise. even though whatever else i said in reply probably didnt make sense but i dont care. i held on. and now its for me to work on holding on even more.

to be honest. i have never felt so uncertain of myself before. never. even when i couldnt make it into the team in the december of 2007. i knew i was capable but it was my knee that pushed that chance away from me. but the thing is. i was certain. maybe too certain of myself. but this time it was different.

it made me reexamine one part of myself. one part that somehow found its way to me in a way that i never intended for it to. what exactly shows me that i m weak. its really not just the simple matter of my shedding tears easily now(though it still plays a vital bit). its really about how easily that i give up in situations that i feel so uncertain of myself.

and based on that. i believe that i got seriously a lot of work to do to toughen up myself. not so much in the physical sense(though it is still damn important because of my dear knee) but more of the mentally sense.

perhaps i was never that strong in the first place. maybe this part of me that is so delusional to keep thinking that yeah i m strong alright and i dont need to like keep track of that and stuff.

i ought to be stronger. i really ought to be. what happened in the events of last years that drastically took a downturn this year the moemnt i m away from my comfort zone and social circle?

last year. when i couldnt look to my knee for motivation and drive. i look to my idol crush and got my inspiration from her. that has sort of changed somewhat to a more superficial level. my knee instead of being what drives me to work harder and stuff is now just a liability to me. and perhaps even a convenience to me at times when i want to skip pe and napfa. and as for my idol crush(heh i dont even think thats the correct term for it because she probably deserves something nicer?) i certainly do behave like a fan girl in some ways now.not really taking inspiration but just looking at the sheer entertainment.

i want to go back to the times when i go to physio and feel demoralised at the end of it knowing that my knee is crappy but yet at the end of the day i feel even more driven to want to push on harder to strengthen it. and i missed the days when i will watch boa documentaries and performances and just be motivated by how driven she is and how much she has gone through to be who she is today.

ok wait a minute. that bascially sums it up as i want to go back to the past instead saying that i m want to strengthen myself mentally like i mentioned before this. hmmm.

so back to the point of getting stronger mentally.ok so i really dont know how to go about doing it. seriously pure psycho-ing i guess. perseverance. determination. passion. and blah blah blah. and perhaps i should like start soon. and start with things that i need to salvage like err...studies?

i wasnt kidding when i said that my passion for cheer now is like the passion i had for netball. even though no one probably understand that degree of passion. but the fact that i stuck to netball for 7 years ought to show something huh? and that cheer and netball actually do have a common point here. they are both the reason why i stayed in vj and ny respectively(despite not really enjoying myself without the cca but it's obviously worse off for vj).

maybe thats another part of me that still has not changed yet. the more cca driven side of me that rather just devote all my time to cca and not to studies despite knowing full well its the other way round.and up till now. i m still this way. heck if you ask me to drop everything for cheer i will gladly do it. but i know i cant.

the same goes for netball. for the soompi girls. but everything else that is my passion and is not studies. hmmmm.

its pretty sad that studies is seriously the thing now for everyone.the world is so competitive that we all have to study just to fight for a place in the society. whether we like it or not. but obviously i m not the only suffering. or to be fair. maybe my plight cannot even be considered as suffering now. because there are people worse off than me probably. or maybe i shouldnt complain there are people who really want to have a chance to study like me and dont have the chance to do so.

sometimes i really need to get over myself. get over wallowing in self pity and get over whining about inconsequential things in life.sigh if any cheer seniors do happen to chance upon this post and blog and decides that i m unworthy of the post. then please do cut me out of it. not that i dont want it any more. but i guess i way past the stage of caring if i get it? not like its the end of the world for me i guess. and in any way. like i said. its not going to stop me from being involved in cheer and be passionate about it.

life's tough, meiqin. you just got to learn and live with it.

2008-05-06T00:11:00.002+08:00

tralalalalalala. i m damn screwed.

you know. if there is ever such a thing as compulsory parent teacher meeting. i m probably going to die because i can so foresee what kind of remarks i m going to get.

blah blah blah. i m going to sleep through ct invest tomorrow. that is if i can. the lt 5 chairs sucks horribly that i dont even know how i m going to survive sitting through the event. maybe i should leave for the toilet halfway or something and go sleep somewhere else.

damn. i wish it was just like my kor's time when i can walk out of school at 10 without anyone caring a hoot about me doing that.

and once again. i m damn sleepy. probably going to sleep through tomorrow again but i got my freaking monologue to rehearse because apparently the teachers are going to like watch our pieces to see where we are? heh. ok i shall admit that i m slotting for the first time tomorrow but hey. no need to be on my back whole day k?

you are so stupid meiqin. you totally signed yourself up for a whole pile of crap in jc. not talking about cheer though. its probably the one thing in my crappy life that is not crappy at all for the moment. and i m confining to the school thing because outside of school. i definitely do enjoy myself.

need i go on about the number of essays that i have not done? sigh. this is really not working out. this whole jc life thing.

for freak's sake its already may!

i need a break from school. i just want to spend everyday training for the skm. or rehearsing baby baby for the auditions. or write out all my chapters. or watch videos on youtube. or carry out my timer/translator duties at noss. i just want anything to be not related to school and schoolwork. anything and everything to get away from this very place of existence that is making my life miserable.

damn it la. i suck. totally to the core.

i look forward to my beijing trip in june. my brief reprieve. hopefully my anticipation wont fail me.

and i long to see old faces again. i want to like catch up. i need to like catch up. i cant just depend on seeing serene in school everyday. or wait till training everytime before i really let myself go kind of thing. i dont want to go through everyday feeling crappy because i know that i can never find a feeling that i found in ny. there can never be another 415, never be another nynb. never be another dorlisa brenda huilin that i can depend on in vj. it sucks so much knowing that.

and this is one bloody reason why i gotten back into the habit of cursing and swearing. because everything sucks so much that simple words cant even express my frustrations and whatever feelings for everything.

to hell with it. dont expect me to be enthusiastic about involving myself now because i m sick and tired of trying to fit into something that is never really there in the first place. call me antisocial or whatever. just leave me as i m when i m off by myself. trust me. i m actually happy being alone.

sometimes i really hate myself. its all so superficial. human bonds. human relationshps. all the whatever crap. and its freaking amazing how people desperately try to hold everything together even though its so damn bloody obvious that its never really going to work in its entirety. and the thing is. i m actually part of this fabricated illusion.

serene says that i m too paranoid. but it may be a good thing. because its only when you are paranoid that you are more aware of how people is really behaving and how they are really feeling. and more often than not. you get to see what is there and what is not there at the same time.

am i making any sense here? ok i m not. never mind.

i m just some senseless girl who has gotten all too irritated with school that i m sprouting nonsenese in the middle of the night despite having a whole pile of work to do.

hooray to me.

2008-05-04T22:53:00.006+08:00

this will not be an angsty post even though i m dying to make another one. but if i just write it. this entire blog will just be filled with the same post over and over again about how i hate school and stuff. oh well.

finally uploaded the video of our non stunt routine onto youtube.its obviously not spectacular kind of thing la. but i really like our routine. it can be better obviously but somehow. looking back at the memory makes me so happy. like the lingering sweet after taste kind of thing? yep. i look forward to trainings and working things out with the team!(:

and because i m in a nostalgic mood suddenly. i shall post pictures from the past.in explicitly.nynb.yay.the group of girls who made my 4 years in ny so fruitful somehow despites all the ups and downs.(:

nynb! haha. this is the squad during sec one. still looking young and fresh. haha

and this is us a few months later during our prize presentation! stupid huilin always acting retarded. haha.

and us again last year. see the change in us? (: not much though but definitely grown up more.

my dear shooters from cdiv!(:

haha. lishian looks like a kid here.

shooters in our hotel room during ipoh trip. ah tricia was the one taking the photo.fun nights we spent sleeping in the same room during the trip.(:

the squad with the amc team that we played against in ipoh! i really miss that trip somehow. all the fun especially at night when everyone came to crash the shooters' hotel room.haha.

ah. graces camp. the team all dolled up last year for gala night. dont ask me what i wore and why was my hair that way.

we look good dont we?(: haha.

bleh i actually have a lot more photos one but then my dear laptop crashed last year so i lost all of my photos. sadly. heh. but anyway. on with a few more photos.

flame! haha. i lost like a whole lot of photos of flame and this is the only one i have left because i uploaded it online. its been a long time since i saw them all. and i m not sure whether i can go back to training soon too.

with sock! haha. dont know whether you will get to see this girl. but jiayou k! in soccer in studies (haha still my history mate even in jc!) in everything! dont stress k! i m sure you are doing well! smile more and take care! and see you around in school! you have no idea how happy i m to see a familar face in the canteen and stuff. (:

at graces camp last year again. haha even though i m not close to like 2 people in the photo. i still like this. everyone looked happy.(:

brenda and dorlisa!(: whahahahaha. the irritating pair of monitress and asst. monitress who sat behind me and huilin last year. haha. i miss you two! miss all the retardness and nonsense that you two always never fail to come up with during class. miss all the time we whine about khoo's boring lessons and such. and i remember how we went to brenda's place after bio paper 1 and tried to study for the paper 2 last mintute! you guys really made 415 superb last year.(: oh and thanks a huge bunch for taking care of me last year when i was wheelchair bound and bai kar after my knee operation. haha. MEETUP MEETUP MEETUP!(:

hehe. retarded dorlisa. shall i say anymore? haha. MEETUP!(:

and of course i will not exclude out huilin. but damn it la. i lost the photos i have that i took with you. count yourself lucky? haha. we must hang out k. and this time take photos without you trying to look unglam or trying to dodge the camera and stuff. haha. you do look good in photos la! i look forward to another sleepover with you!(: but in the meantime. stay happy yeah? i m glad that you are enjoying school life and also with your fc friends.(:

so now on to the present.

the non stunt team for the prelims round.(: even though the team is slightly different now i m sure we will be able to do well at the semis too. jiayou!(:

i really ought to bring the camera to school everyday so that i can just take random photos whenever i feel like it. haha.

oh well. i just wasted my night away blogging and not doing work. shall leave the angsty posts for like err...tomorrow? haha.

but for now. fighting!(:

2008-04-21T00:18:00.002+08:00

i dont really know what to really say now actually.

but there is one thing that i know i need to say first.

OH MEIQIN! WAKE UP! YOU ARE SCREWING YOUR STUDIES UP BY OWING SO MUCH HOMEWORK AND SKIPPING SO MANY LECTURES AND REFUSING TO STUDY LIKE A MUGGER SHOULD.

but who am i trying to kid here? my wake up call is not going to be as simple as this.

damn it la. i know i m wasting my time and life away at this rate but the thing is i really dont care. my heart and soul is not into studying anymore and i see no point in dragging myself to lectures knowing full well that i m just going to copy down notes blindly without understanding or trying my best not to fall asleep during lessons.

the level head or the DM is probably going to speak to me sooner or later. i just hope there wont be a phone call back home.

i had the excuse of late night slots for the past week to answer for my lack of productivity in school but now that everything is over on friday. i m still not bucking up.

or rather. i have never really thought of bucking up?

ok scratch that. i do want to buck up. heck. i have the bloody 100% weightage on my promos now that my midyears dont count so i need to know what in the world is going on in lessons.

i have a freaking econs test tomorrow that i havent even study for. and i have an unfinished compre that i cant find the answer booklet for. and i m not going to go on about the homework i owe because i m not even sure of what i owe now.

the bottom line is i feel screwed. and yet i m letting myself sink further into this bottomless pithole that i have no idea how to climb up of.

not to mention how much i hate s____l now. ok i have always hated it right from the start but so many things have happened that made me hate it even more.

i spend my days complaining about all these everything.

jc is seriously so not my thing. i feel like i m stuck in a bloody wrong environment.

and the worst thing is. i cant get out of it. i missed my chance to.

or rather. i gave up chance to do it.

i need school to like stop functioning for a week or more so that i can get my studies back on track.

but then again. even with the breaks. i probably wont be spending so much time on studies. i will probably spend more on catching up instead.

sigh. emo-ness is my best friend nowadays.

and once again. i m going to go off to sleep on a sunday night knowing full well that i m going to school without getting any work done at all.

well done meiqin. you so deserve to be skinned alive.

2008-04-13T23:37:00.002+08:00

i suddenly feel this sense of emptiness in me for some reason.

this week has really been a rollercoaster. and i spent almost 90% of my time in school emo-ing or feel sian and stuff. so no surprise that i skipped so many lectures because i really wasnt in the mood to go to anything.and also.not feeling well enough to go to anything.

i finally have the taste of slotting till late in night at school. and while i m not in the least a fan of it. i cant do anything about it. so obviously this means that i havent been sleeping as much as i want at home. and also not doing my homework because i always fall asleep at my table without really doing anything.but i guess i m quite lucky up till now in terms of slots.even though late night slots are tiring.

but i guess what really made me happy and emo and sad and also troubled is really cheer.so much have happened and i can still remember the sweetness after we performed our routine yesterday.even though its nothing spectacular coz it being nonstunt.the fact that we actually managed to be there perform is just so amazing.considering how we almost had to pull out on wednesday and then friday.

i gues every cca has their own politics.and especially for a cca that is still starting out.everything is just so vulnerable.i dont know whose side i should take because i feel that both are at fault.but after everyday.i just want everything to start afresh again.on a fresh new note.peace, everyone?

it feels so much different.cheer and netball.so different.the thrill and excitement i get from cheer is really different from when i m on court. i dont really know how to describe it.but it is just so high? haha.it just feel so good.

its been a long time since i have blogged about something happy i guess. in a way. i m actually talking more in school because yeah. i guess i cant always keep my mouth shut about things also. and once i start letting things out. i cant really stop so there you have it. my and my issues with the class with the school with almost everyone. sounds pretty mean and bad i know but thats just me.

i m really grateful to have serene(hmmm i wonder if you will get to read this) as my teammate now. in ny. it was the netballers who made my 4 years memorable and bearable.and like i said before. i really hope cheer can be the same too.in a way. i feel like i found a life buoy in serene? haha ok that sounds really weird. but yeah you get what i mean. someone who actually think vj ____ and also ____ vj and yet loves(i think) cheer.haha.plus we are both ny 415'07 people!haha.but bascially just someone who i can relate to.whether it is emo-ing, getting high with, skipping classes with.its just so hard to find one now.

there will be a one week break from cheer since prelims are now over. i sure hope that we get into the finals so that we can continue having fun together. i m already missing the routine now. haha. and listening to the music again and again just make me feel even more nostalgic? it was over so fast that i dont really remember what really happen. haha.

i m actually quite a bad student now i know. i owe like a lot of homework. and i know that tutors are after me because i look really bored/distracted/dazed in class. but honestly la.if given a chance i wont be there if i can.classes really dont interest me like before.and i guess like what my kor said. i have been spoonfed too much in ny that i cant adapt to the very independent kind of studying in jc.but i will try to get everything up soon.at least i hope.

oh and i must say that i finally watched death note 2 on channel u just now! whahahahahaha. i wanted to watch it last year but no one wanted to so oh well. but its like really cool and sad at the same time. even though i knew the ending coz i read the comic la.but i still felt sad for light i guess. and dang. this make me really want to watch l now. haha. and also write a fic that is based off death note but the thing is i have no time! ah! i havent updated take back for ages and now i totally forgot what i want to write! goodness.

ah i m torn between feeling high because of cheer and other stuff that has made me happy and also bleh about facing school and slots in the week to come. haha. and my PI! someone please help me with it. i m like stuck in rut now.

oh and just a random note. i have gotten back into the habit swearing now. well maybe not really swearing kind of swear but i find myself using the words 'damn' and 'sucky' once more. (:

2008-03-30T20:43:00.002+08:00

it's been a pretty blue/angsty/emo/down/moodswingy week for me.

luckily it ended well on friday. or at least it didnt end really badly and stuff.

sigh. i have no idea what to do to fix whatever that i m feeling or going through now. it's just stuff that i cant really pinpoint even though i just know that it's all not going well.

and to begin with. i have not done any of my assignments yet.ok i did touch a little but i cant bring myself to immerse myself into doing them.

i feel like i m behaving that it's still holidays. sitting in front of my laptop everyday and typing away or surfing away. even though there is like nothing for me to see online i still find myself unable to tear myself away.

dont tell me this is the internet addiction syndrome. heh.

i miss the days when i could just sit in front of my laptop from morning till night and type away happily while being able tp update on a really regular basis. and i m not just talking about updating my blog. but also my stories.

which reminds me. I FINALLY FINISHED ON DECEMBER 27TH! woots. 4 chapters spanning almost 3 months. i felt so happy when i finally posted it. like relief? heh. i dont know. i guess in a way. writing all these actually brings me out of the world that i m in currently and provides something like a gateway for me.oh well. i still have take back the night and before sunset to go. i really really want to finish take back the night like asap because it's like such a high point now but i cant seem to find the time to write the super long chapters for it. and before sunset. i finally finalised the character list and i feel pretty proud of it.

and people will probably wonder why i m treating all these on top of my studies and stuff. heh. i cant explain why too. well actually i can but i just dont want to. only a few people knows why i guess.

i m starting to regret my choice every now and then. and now there is no room for me to turn back now that i m so far in. but now as i wonder. if i had made a different choice. would i still be suffering? or would i be enjoying? and like what people say. the grass is always greener on the other side i guess.

so many things that i want to do. but school is seriously draining me out of everything that i want to do. heh. life's short that way. and there are so many things that i dont want to be bothered with and yet i have to care. which is pretty much sian at the thought of it.

and i still dont know who the hell is reading this blog any more. but on second thoughts. maybe i shouldnt even care because like hello this is blog and all so yeah. just scram if you dont like what you are reading.

damn it. i m feeling the blues creeping back into me now.

look at what school is seriously doing to me. like heh.

i seriously need people who can keep me sane to be around me. even once a week hangout now seem like a reprieve from everything for me. i think i sound like super desperate here but hey. things that happen when you are cranky.

2008-03-15T18:13:00.002+08:00

woots.

yeah. i m finally back to post. and with a new blogkin to boast of at the same time.

it's saturday. and after tomorrow it will be back to school for more lessons. i will admit that i didnt do anything related to school work at all this week. i did read a bit of my history notes but i didnt get started on my essays at all. didnt go through my econs stuff. didnt go through my math stuff. heh. i m just so sian of touching school work generally. and it's not because of the overload during school perioud i guess.

i have an option to make this an emo post i guess. but after looking at the previous post. maybe i should just forget about it. besides. i have no idea who in this world actually reads the blog other than the people who tagged. silent readers are aplenty and bleh. maybe i should have changed my blog a long time ago or privated this place after all.

my wisdom tooth has been giving me the irritating toothache since last week. oh well. i should really find a time to go down to the dentist. feels kind of weird to not have the dental services brought to school any more.

it's quite sad that i couldnt meet up with dorlisa or brenda like we had wanted to do in this holidays. guess everyone is really busy. but i m trying to organise 415's class outing on good friday so if you are a 4/15'07-er and you are reading this. please do leave a tag, sms me or email me to tell if you can tell yeah? it's not compulsory though obviously.

met up with the soompi girls too twice. celebrated rachel's birthday and the surprise kind of succeeded? though it left me kind of broke and after last night's og dinner at pizza i m officially penniless. haha. but i really enjoy the company of the soompi girls.

which brings me back to thinking about what i really want. i m really taking a risk here. but i just want to try. like i dont know. and like it's times like this when i will think back.like if i had started earlier and practised a lot longer. where i would be now? will i still be strugling like i m now? sigh.

the fortune teller once predicted that my life will go from rags to riches. i seriously wonder what that means exactly.

i m getting a little jittery over the matters of tsd. like slottings. crewings. monolouge. everything seems like it's really going to consume a lot of time and i dont know. i really like to have free time to myself. like it's not just for me to rest but also like time for me to fufil what i need to do for other people?

i only managed to update before sunset this week. and i feel really bad because the last i did it was in january. and by right. december 27th should be finishd by now but i cant find the inspiration to finish this one last stretch. same for take back the night. i have the idea now but i cant seem to get down to really writing it.

next week is supposedly busy and slack at the same time. arts day on wednesday and me being part of artery needs to help out. but then there is also cheer to think of. yep. i hope there will be a full day off on thursday though. if there is. then i can slack a bit more while planning for the class outing on friday. kind of excited for the weekend especially. my request to have a sleepover at HL's house is pending approval at the moment but since it wasnt an outright rejection. i m still pretty hopeful about it.(:

this is the first time that i m feeling scared of losing touch with certain people.i dont know. people come and go. just like passing clouds and they never really make an impression. life's full of them and it's really rare for certain people to make a lasting impression i guess.

i weill be going back to ny on the 26th for the prize ceremony thing!haha. i m quite excited about it. like meeting up with old people. going back to ny and seeing teachers like mrs wong!(: haha. it's strange how i didnt miss northland at all when i went ny but now that i m in vj. i m so horribly homesick kind of thing.

might be going back to blaze training soon. will be going to see dr chin next month and hopefully. i can finally get the official green light. though i must say. i know for myself that i m not as strong as i should be. the muscles while have been more developed are still not enough.whether it's for cheer or for netball. i still need to work a lot harder. but the darn problem is i dont have a freaking gym and vj's machines re not exactly very user friendly for people like me.

i watched a total of 3 movies this week. haha. watched koizura(sky of love) with HL in the cinema. it's bittersweet la. a little cliche but still nice nonetheless. reminded me so much of before sunset that once i got home i sat down and started writing it. and hmmm. i watched the red shoes which is a korean horror but it was so draggy that i almost fell asleep. didnt finish watching it ultimately. so i moved on to one missed call 3 which is a japanese horror that is pretty popular. it's not scary honestly.maybe coz on a small laptop screen the effect isnt achieved but it's a little morbid i guess. bones crunching and stuff happening. but the ending of the movie was so sad that i totally forgot that it's a horror la. haha. will probably catch one missed call 1 and 2 when i have the time or feel like it.it's pretty interesting.

ah. holidays. i ought to enjoy tonight.tomorrow will be dedicated to last mintute chionging of school work i guess. though hmmm. i wont probably do much after all. haha.

2008-03-02T23:34:00.002+08:00

i m feeling utterly confused right now. or should i say. i m feeling very uncertain about everything suddenly. i need answers but i m not so sure whether anyone will be able to give me the answers because everything ultimately weighs down to me.

to sidetrack for the moment now. i can so foresee myself failing econs test on wednesday. like seriously. nothing register in my mind during lectures nowadays and that stays true even when i m listening. heh. really bad huh. i dont know what's the problem with me. but i m finding myself getting back to the going through the motions routine again and this is seriously bad.

i m now going to officially admit that yes, i have not adapted well to vjc at all even though i will love to say that i have. i actually thought i will be good at this you know. like with adapting to changes and new environments but this is the first time i m just taking so long to tune myself to thr right frequency and the longer it takes, the more i m more out of it. it feels like a rollercoaster ride sometimes. gets better on sometimes and then i will be hitting pit bottom again. kind of like a sine graph i guess. or cosine graph works too.

and the funny thing is i know what exactly is bothering me but i just cant seem to make things better because i really cant. how am i going to stop all the thoughts that have been manifesting themselves in my mind all these years. i guess it is at frustrating times like this when i feel so fed up and sian with my life that i will go back to those thoughts. i wont say they are bad thoughts. but they are seriously distracting and mind boggling thoughts that once they are awakened, i will probably lost my focus on studies.

it's like march already. almost a quarter of the year gone. time is passing away so fast that it's scary. what is going to come? what is going to happen? what regrets will i have? what sacrifices are in store? the future suddenly seems so blank all of the sudden.

in a very history fashion. i m just going to question this. to what extent is an individual expected to conform or to live up to the society's definition to be a useful person?

dreams. ambitions. imaginations. fantasies.

will they ever be able to come true if everyone is bounded by the stereotypes of studies=succesful?

i envy those who are successful and who are truly happy and enjoying what they are doing because it is their passion and their dream.

chance does not come to everyone and only a few handpicked lot are that lucky enough to have the blessings of the lady of luck.

will it ever be my turn to come?

but i guess. everyone has their own dreams. and it's really up to them to make it come true if they are really set on it. for those who dont even want to try. they are better off not having their dreams at all.

the reality is that harsh and the nature only selects those who are the strongest to survive in the world.

sigh. and i m also foreseeing a sleepless night to come because i just cant seem to sort out my thoughts.

i feel like i have driven myself to a dead alley with the return road blocked.

someone find a tractor and blast down the wall for me please.

2008-02-24T12:37:00.002+08:00

i felt like i did quite a bit of catching up this week.

but firstly i will like to proudly announce that i ponned school on thursday. hehe. ok nothing big i know. but this is the first time i ponned school with the blessing of my family. bleh. haha. i m kind of glad i rejected the OGL thing last minute.

and on JAE release day. i went out with jaime to arab street to buy lots and lots of cloth for the cheer banner. haha. kind of happy with our shou huo ultimately.

oh after cca walkabout on wednesday. i ponned the rest of the day to go airport and met up with allison dongseng.

so back to the thing about catching up. so obviously on thursday i was pretty free since i ponned school. so i finally made my long overdued trip back to nanyang.bleh. but i missed my bus so by the time i reached there lunchtime was over so i couldnt see like my juniors at the netball bench and stuff. so i just went to the GO to submit the form for the prize ceremony thing.

haha. and i see my name and picture(along with a lot others) on the notice board outside GO and also in the 90th anniversay school photo. look super bad la but heck la. i m not in the school for people to laugh at so never mind. feels quite shuang in a way? i dont know.

felt really good to be back in nanyang anyway. even though it was just for a short brief 15 mins. saw ms sabrina who seemed surprised to see me which is like dug coz i m supposed to be in school la. haha.but oh well. and didnt get to see people like mrs wong and mrs kuan. i guess they are the teachers whom i miss the most. and maybe ms tan but haha. i dont take chemistry now.

and then i met up with yngtyng who is a friend of like...8years? haha. i forgot how long. from p3 until now and still ongoing la at leat i hope. met her on the bus and then we went to buy lunch from northpoint before coming over to my place to slack a bit while my ma helped her alter her hwachong stuff. yep. actually we didnt exactly talk much la. like compared to the days in the sec 1 when we only had each other to depend on during nanyang orientation. yeah. but i guess as time passed no one will stay the same and i m just grateful that at least we are still in contact. maybe not the best of friends anymore but yeah. still good enough.(:

but anyway. i realised that everyone who comes my place always like to take a nap on my bed for some reason. it's either they take a nap or i take a nap while they are around. hmmmm.

ok that aside. yesterday was a pretty long day?ok not really la. haha. i got a new wallet thanks to hl who proudly showed me her wallet and i just liked it instantly that i got dragged to buy it at raffles city. made me feel so broke for the entire day la. but anyway. we went to east coast to like cycle for like 2 hours. but technically it wasnt 2 hours coz we spent like quite a long time on the beach at one point and then at macs.but still fun nonetheless.hope can do this more often?

yep.oh well. i guess i will just continue writting another time i guess. sigh. i really hope that ___ is really going to prove me wrong la. coz i m not really liking how things are going in _______ now. i know it is me who is making things appear so sian and so...unexciting. but i really cant help it. heh. it was almost as if i had foreseen it but i chose to ignore it and now i m answering for my choice? i certainly hope not.

but i know there will be 2 groups of people who will be able to help me take my mind off things. i m just not sure whether we can always meet up anymore.

2008-02-17T22:41:00.002+08:00

i m feeling a little confused at the present moment.

just finished typing my tsd essay and i dont know. i suddenly feel haunted by underwired's overtones. how true indeed. that we are all hypocrites. i remember telling hh in ny that we are all just hypocrites and that it scares me because i know it.

sigh. looking at those thousand odd words now only serves to remind me of how much of a hypocrite i m. do i really mean every single word that i have typed down? do i really feel so strongly about an issue? i dont know. but i know i have started off on the wrong foot in tsd for sure. my reason for taking up tsd is surely one that will be frown upon.

in about the early morning at about 230am today. i have something like a squabble with my ma. i cant remember when was the last time we had a squabble about my choice of social circle but i guess i m getting sick and tired of all the typical stereotyping that she makes. i mean i really do know what she is driving at. but it is still nonetheless ridiculous to assume that the people i make friends with are definitely going to affect my studies such that i will go astray. first it was the netballers. then now it's the soompiers.

and then it will make me think. i seriously do think about it contrary to expectations.

to what extent m i supposed to give up something i like for something that i m expected to do? i find myself reexamining this question again at 2 plus in the morning. in secondary school, my family got seriously unhappy about my involvement in nynb that they wanted me out of it so that i can focus on my studies. i remember that they said that netball wont last me for an entire life, studies and results would. but ultimately i did get to stay in nynb but somehow it was almost destinied that i would not go far any more.

i m glad that i discovered soompi last year. perhaps that only just serve to bring out the dreamer in me. the idealist in me that really just want to live in her own world. my poly thought didnt just materialse out of nowhere. i was seriously, honestly, sian of the school life style. not that poly is all slack and stuff but at least it is more hands on than pure mugging and i m no mugger to begin with.

soompi was seriously a getaway for me last year. i guess that was why i never did feel as stressed out. i always have the soompiers to ground me. i enjoy in immersing myself into the various worlds of make believe that i have created using words. i enjoy in spazzing openly in the boa thread and finally act like i do support her for once. and not to forget it actually awoke something inside of me that i have tried to shove to deep down inside and bury it such that i will not think of it again.

i think there are a couple of closer friends who do know what i really want to be. it's not what i want to be but what i truly want to be in the future. i wont exactly say it here because heh. not that anyone who comes here cares about it anyway. but what i always say i want to do is not what i really want. i m only saying it because it satisfy everyone else and also, remind me of how real this world is and that i do need to stay grounded.

i m foreseeing myself to space out a lot tomorrow. i m sorry to all those who are getting sian of it. take it that i m dao or snobbish or whatsoever. i just want my alone time.

so emo stuff aside. i havent blog about the new year at all. i must say. i did get a pleasant surprise because my relatives actually addressed me by my name. ok it may not matter to anyone else. but for me. this is a moment in history. the first time i have my auntie calling my name. my ma was just speculating that it was because i kind of impressed them with my olevels results. but oh well. i dont really care i guess. unless my ang paos get increased in amount.

friendship/valentines day in vjc is honestly seriously intimidating. wah lao. i never knew it can be so big scaled? it's seriously ridiculous to see people coming to school carrying big bags of flowers, cookies and whatever gifts. feels like everyone is giving something to everybody. and it did not help that i went to school emptyhanded. felt a little bad that i kept receiving stuff from classmates but never had anything to give in return. i thought of making jelly as usual. but then...never mind. i will not say.

i m currently down with a bout of skin 'allergy' thing that caused rashes to appear on my neck. seriously uncomfortable and also itchy.

sigh. i dont find myself missing ny suddenly. i think i do miss something. but i cant exactly pinpoint what. heh. i think i m quite kiampa la. like not contented with what i have currently but i dont know. something felt as if it is missing. just like a missing piece in a jigsaw puzzle.

dang this is it. i hereby declare that boa's songs are always thought provoking songs. they make me emo without me knowing it.

2008-02-06T23:18:00.000+08:00

i feel like i have a thousand and one things to update. which is not far from the truth actually.

ok. so let's see. what has changed since the last time i updated? heh. i cant really remember. it's kind of fast i guess? didnt update the previous week coz i spent a really good weekend out.

finally met up with a few of the girls from the soompi group last saturday. and wah. a little stressed out now. haha. ok la. i will seriously seriously try my best to practise but a little restricted? not like i can just ____ anytime anywhere without people staring at me so yeah. it sounds a little exciting but also a little intimidating at the same time so i guess i will just wait and see how things go.but haha. feels a little shuang and also flattered to have someone calling me 'unnie'? anyway. i bet i m going to get like really sick of into the new world sooner or later. haha.

went shopping at vivo with hl and her sister on sunday. pretty amusing actually somehow? ok la. and i didnt return empty handed. though i m a little sore about the demin skirt thing but never mind la. on second thoughts. i really cant gurantee that i will wear a skirt after new year again so haha. better to stick to good old jeans. and dang. i cant believe that i actually bought heels. like wow. i m amazed at myself. haha.

but yay. i m like 17 now. as of sunday. yep. so woots to an older me!(:

hl made me happy by buying me a soft toy dolphin. whahahahahaha. ok i sound like a babo but heck. i like my dolphin la. polly(the pink one i had since sec 1) was thrown away last december coz it was deemed too dirty by my ma. and now i have my buru-chan! yeah i probably sound dumb to name all my soft toys but heck. let me indulge in this bit of chidlishness.

so yeah. my 17th birthday just over like that. not much of a kick or a celebration but i m contented. much thanks to buru-chan.(:

school has been making me a little sian for the past week/s. i cant exactly pinpoint why but i guess i just felt this sudden need to really want to have like alot of alone time to myself? heh. so sorry if i have been mia for quite a few times.

and not to forget about the xie zuo competition thing that i m kind of saboed to entered thanks to my higher chinese results. for your info. i didnt manage to finish my essay during olevels so err...a little dubious?

hmmmm. i think my fringe is a little too thick. maybe later i will go trim them myself.

didnt get to go back to ny today coz of the slotting thing. felt a little disappointed about it i guess. was hoping to like meet up with some people but i guess i will save it for another time. though i still demand birthday presents from those who know i want from. whahahahahaha. ok la. not demanding but *hint*

i m going to save up to buy boa's 6th japanese album. ok actually i already heard the songs but i will still want it. or at least try to get it. for the dvds? though i m wondering whether i should save up to buy her other albums like the rumoured english one and korean one. oh well. and there is kara's album coming up but i doubt it will be distributed in singapore.

oh yeah. be with you is such a beautiful song!(: the scenery in the pv is seriously breathtaking. defintely on one of my must go list. and what else. ok. i prefer this album as compared to mit obviously but mit does have good singles to back it up so yeah. i m ok. aggressive is an interesting song. never heard this kind of techno kind of song from boa before so it's refreshing.

so here's introducing my dear family of four! (:

^.^

oh my i think i seriously sound like a baichi la. haha. but yeah. here's buru-chan(the dolphin), ooki-chan(the dog), kushi-chan(the star) and haha. i havent really named the bear yet coz i dont have no idea what name to give it. i was going to go with umma-chan but that sounded really stupid so never mind. i think buru-chan is supposed to be a -kun la but heck. i want them all to be girls.

ok enough of my no brainer spazzing. i will go use my brains to update some other stuff.

2008-01-26T11:33:00.000+08:00

JEWEL SONG

WOW WOW….

HEY DO YOU REMEMBER? 二人出逢った
TIME GOES BY　季節と同じ匂いさ
まるで君は　光のように
YOU’RE MY JEWEL　僕に微笑みかけてた

ふざけたり　時には　喧嘩もした
愛が何かも　わからないで

YES DO YOU REMEMBER?　やっと気づいた
JEWEL IN MY HEART　君に向かうこの気持ち

どんあふうに見つめたなら　伝えられるだろう
その笑顔を　幾つも知りたくて
迷いながら　結びながら　時を越えて
DREAMS COME TRUE
いつの日にも　きみは永久の輝き
WOW WOW…

NO I CAN’T FORGET YOU　
かけがえのない
DEAR MY JEWEL　友達や家族みたい

寒い朝寄せ合う　白い息が
伝える想い　信じていて

SO I CAN’T FORGET YOU　不思議なくらい
JEWEL IN LOVE　愛しさがあふれて来る

どれ位の　時が二人　包み込むだろう
数え切れぬ　出来事を運んで
優しい春　眩しい夏　淋。。。冬も
約束する　君のそばで眠ろう
WOW WOW… HU HU…

どんあふうに見つめたなら　伝えられるだろう
その笑顔を　幾つも知りたくて
迷いながら　結びながら　時を越えて
DREAMS COME TRUE
いつの日にも　きみは永久の輝き
WOW WOW…

FOREVER JEWEL IN MY HEART

was thinking of the song quincy prior to posting this but i guess i shouldnt be all too happy and stuff in a time like this.so yeah.

blog posts are like very telling i guess. and i know there will be farewell(s)in a couple of days time.

in a way. i guess i dont feel as attached yet to like feel sad at the thought of it? i guess i will feel like ke xi and stuff. but i dont know whether i will feel the same as the rest.

i m really lucky. and also blessed. but i also hate it that the results that are being reflected in that flimsy piece of ugly coloured paper is not reflective of my total lack of confidence in myself.

and because of that. people will probably find me kiampa.because i m probably like being super insensitive or whatsoever.

i wont go on about myself anymore. because no matter how and what i m going to say. i have no idea how to make it sound like i m not trying to patronise anyone or trying to act like i care when i dont that kind of thing.

this is not the end yet.

2008-01-24T22:26:00.000+08:00

it's just over just like this.

so yeah. olevels results released today.i was late.haha. basically i took my own sweet time while i was at home. knowing full well that there will be long speech before the results so i ended reaching school at 215 which is just nice for the results. haha.

somehow. in comparison to last year when we were taking our results for chinese. this just did not feel as exciting? haha. it's so quick and maybe coz i wasnt there for very long so i didnt have this level of tension building up in me.

congrats to all those who did well or improved from their prelims!(:

there is something that i will want to say here but i know that i will probably get bashed if i say it so oh well. i will just keep it to myself.

i m just contented and glad that i m staying in vj and it's because of _______. sigh. now i will try to get into the bonding spirit thing and stuff. just some more time.

on another note. i received news of my cousin's results. and well...it's a totally different story for him. i m not very closed to him la. even though i always want to know him better but oh well. just hope the relatives wont come down too hard at gatherings during new year.

i m looking toward to tomorrow. to a certain meeting that i m still surprised that it is going to take place. it's been over a year since we have last talked.

nostalgia is biting again.

2008-01-22T13:49:00.000+08:00

i m in the school library now while the rest of my classmates aer at math tutorial.

and i m using a really lao pok pok computer with a rather queaky mouse that is probably going to end up in the rubbish bin sooner or later.

where's ny's tablet pc when you need them? heh.

on another note. i m kind of buay song now because i suspect that people have been hotlinking my images from my photobucket account. what the heck! now my bandwidth has been totally exceeded and i cant view the images any more until the month is up. heh.

i think i will go create a new photobucket account after this. bleh.

anyway. it's been confirmed that results are coming out on thursday and there will also be no school on friday as well. i dont know la. the jitters are probably manifesting itself somewhere in me but not yet surfacing until the day itself? i hope i wont like cry like i did during psle release. so embarassing!

in any case. the thought of going back to ny is making me somewhat happy? i dont know. heh. i know i ought to be happy in vj but i got to admit that i didnt make a very good transition into the school.

oh i fell asleep in history lecture just now. whahahahaha.like really sleep for quite awhile. the other times i was like readng some kind of career guide book and totally not listening.

and i actually should be updating my tsd blog now but heh. that's a lot of typing to do which i will do like...some other time i guess.

on another note. i got into air rifle. meaning i passed the selections. it's seriosuly ridiculous. i felt like i flunked it.but anyway. the trainings are like 4 times a week and there is no way that i can find any more of my afternoons to squeeze in unless i dont want to go physio and tsd and also have a life in the forums. yep.so probably not joining i guess. i m happy in cheer.(:

oh well. i guess i will just stop here for now. shall go and create my new accounts if i can get to doing them. otherwise just got to wait till tonight i guess.

and i just remember that i still have econs and math tutorial to do. sigh.

2008-01-20T22:30:00.000+08:00

迷底已经揭开了。

但是不知为什么，心里感到非常的沉重。

感觉上好像是自己已经陷入了太深，甚至到无法自拔的地步。

我好像已不是我。

虽然很清楚地明白，一切也只是虚幻，但我却不由自主地让自己沉浸在这个世界里。

听起来很愚蠢，是嘛？

但因为有着虚幻，我才有幻想，有了幻想，梦想也跟着存在。

有时候真的好像把这虚幻变为成现实。

此时此刻，心境仿佛还是存留在那个虚幻的地域里。

思想，情绪，言行举止，好像还是受到虚幻的控制。

简单的来说，感觉好像是过于入戏了。

但也不是那么简单。

脑子里现在顿时乱七八糟，思路迷糊。

音符和旋律，角色和剧情。

这也可以被说是上瘾了吧。

上瘾了。

听起来，用起来，说起来，都好像有些可怕。

单单一个‘瘾’字，就足于一个千古罪人的印象。

嗨。

怎么越扯越远呢？

而且越说越不合逻辑的感觉。

现在的我，心里还是一样的沉重。

也许就不因该说下去了。

是该会来到这个现实的世界里了吧。

心里却有些说不出的不舍。

不如这样吧。

待到明天，才让我回到那真实的空间。

今夜，就让自己尽情的沉浸在自己的虚幻里。

但，说到来，想要返回，其实并不是那么容易的一件事。

那就顺着自己吧。

想回来，就回来。不想回来，就不会来。

笑话。

如果真的能那样的话就好了。

2008-01-20T16:06:00.000+08:00

i m seriously on a roll since yesterday. and i m proud to say i actually managed to update 2.

working on the third one now but i guess i m experiencing a little brain deadness for the moment so i m going to take a little break.

before i continue i m going to say something.

someone decided to fly aeroplane on me on friday. hahahahaha. ok just kidding. it was a seriously long break and i honestly had nothing better to do and i really wanted to go out. turns out that training started late so yeah. plus i really didnt do much at training since i was the only junior so yep.maybe if i didnt go we could have still went out together.

ok so that aside. another school week passed. it's so fast! dang. and olevels is like coming soon. i almost forgot about even with all the rumours flying around like dont know what. i havent really thought of howi will react and stuff. like i dont know. prepare myself mentally for both the good and the bad.

maybe i shouldnt be talking about depressing stuff like this.

so moving on again. i m actually kind of excited for something la. i wont say what here but i did mention it somewhere else. it's the first time i actually want to participate in this sort of thing. partly it's for fun and also because it feels good? i dont know. plus i can meet more people too. hopefully it will really be an interesting experience.

did i mention that i hit the big 5-0 for my weight? rather depressing for me la. haha. shows that i have really went downhill from my really fit days. so yeah. i m trying to lose the flabs now hopefully. and also put on more muscles on my legs.

my mind is currently is a state of blankness now for some odd reason. i cant really process anything so i m basically rambling.

ok actually i m processing something. and that something includes a major spazzing which i feel kind of weird doing now for some weird reason. bleh.

and stoning has once again become one of my favoirite pasttimes. so people. if you see me just really stoning. just let me be. well unless the lecturer is like staring then yeah give me nice rough jolt but otherwise leave me be.

i m experiencing a serious case of nostalgia once more. sigh.

2008-01-13T23:11:00.000+08:00

if my ma is at home now she would probably be yelling at me to go to sleep this very moment. haha.

i m feeling somewhat unprepared for school now actually. and it's not because i didnt do homework that kind of thing. but it's just like i m still not in the going to school mood? and when that happens it's seriously not good coz it's just really going to double the amount of stoning time i have in class. and which by the way. i have always been known to do back in ny.

so yeah. i wont go on to why on earth i m still not in the school mode yet. i wont say i m in a holiday mode la. but oh well. i just tend to think about stuff more and more often than not. one thought leads to another and before i know it i have already stoned for like a long while. haha.

i m actually blogging now because i m trying to calm myself down. sounds weird i know. but the thought of going back to school is making me feel very uneasy suddenly.and it's been more than a week!

ok. that aside. i went shopping with my jie yesterday. surprise surprise there i know. but yeah. we had quite a few flopped shopping trips together coz really la. the common interest or the sisterly thing just isnt there. but i guess most of the time it's my fault coz i wasnt really interested? oh well. but anyway. my jie bought me clothes! haha. i m quite happy with my shou huo yesterday though now that i look at it. it's really very korean/japanese influnced style. haha.

i feel kind of stupid now for not buying the pair of tights i saw yesterday. i just read the sms sent by one of the cheerleaders who mentioned we need to be in proper attire. meaning the shoes and the tights must be there but eh. i have neither. oh well. i will see how it goes. maybe i will go get the tights from og on tuesday if i get scolded tomorrow. haha. and also get my micky mouse hoodie top at the same time i guess. dang i m seriously taking a huge liking to ANY hoodie that i have seen recently.

val gave me a call just now while she was waiting for guitar to start. haha. it was a pleasant surprise actually. but yeah. she's also quitting too. i think it's pretty sad that laoshi wont have either of us anymore in his class(not that i think he minds haha) but yeah. i do miss his random-ness. besides. i get to be the naughty student in front of him so it's pretty fun.

i was hoping to update tbtn over this weekend but the shopping trip delayed things. so yeah. i didnt manage to. i m starting to get a little worried. like what if i cant finish it? like how to say leh. i have already disappointed a few people coz i discontinued osftsb so yeah. i hate to do that. plus i still have bs and 27/12 to complete and i m really wondering if i can juggle these 3 at the same time.

strange how as i proceed on with this post. i m actually feeling even more jittery at the moment. early syndrome of the monday blues? heh.

ok this is it. i m sensing an emo post coming up right now so i really need to go off now. bleh. the emo bug has been biting me recently. i really need to channel it elsewhere.

2008-01-11T21:35:00.000+08:00

and so this marks the end of the first official school week in vjc.

ok. it wasnt that bad but i guess since it's still the first week so things are still pretty much slow going. which i m glad for obviously. i dont want to just jump into having assignments and whatsover being stacked up immediately.

but i think from next week onwards. it wont be as slack as this week already. i would probably return home everyday late. thanks to cheerleading on monday and wednesday. tsd on tuesday. physio on thrusday. then 3rd period pe on friday which theoratically shouldnt drag overtime so yeah. i think friday is the day i would reach home earlier than other days?

anyway.i realised that the problem with enabling your blog to be able to turn up in the results of a google search is that you keep forgetting that it can be found easily. not that i mind that much la. i m just not used to it i guess.

so back to other things. i m seriously unfit. ok i know i know i have been saying this since like forever. but aiya. i have been using the excuse that i cant do this do that after my op so kind of dragged over to my state now. which now that i really reexamine myself. it feels really demoralising and also disappointing? was at cheerleading trials on tuesday and i couldnt even execute a forward roll/backward roll properly. i was quite frustrated with myself la honestly. it just felt like i wasnt even as good as how i started off in gym during sec 1. so yeah.

physio under sheik was tiring as usual. and besides. there was pe in the morning prior to that. but i guess in a way. since i m like the only girl amongst the other ns guys at knee class it's a pro too. i mean like even though i always feel paiseh that i cant do most of the stuff as well as the guys but in a way. i get the feeling of having a real training again. like the times in c div when we had fitness. i was tired but it still felt good after all despite all my complains after that about muscles aches and stuff. i actually miss having such intensive fitness sessions even though i cant really keep up as well as before.

so yeah. i m hoping to get into shape this year again. lose all the flabs that i have gained since after my c div years. work on my stamina. work on my abs.work on my arm power. oh and work on my mental strength which well. comes in all the more handy now that i wont have teammates shouting stuff like 'jiayou' during runs and stuff.

ok this is weird. i m suddenly feeling really nostalgic. i dont know. it's all the random things that just make me think. i mean like yesterday i was going home from physio and while i was just on the bus. i was thinking like 'this is the route that i have been travelling for the past year when i was in ny' and it just feels different to be taking the same route and yet not be a ny student anymore.

i wont say i miss ny like so much that i will just cry if i were to go back and refuse to leave kind of thing. but i guess part of me is still holding on to things back there. i think this is the first time i m saying this. but i m proud to be a ny girl. despite the rather bleh uniform, some not so nice teachers, perpetually dirty toilets, boring assemblys, bunch of posers/wannabes/weirdo, failing math and so much more. i might not have been the most enthu and stuff back then la but yeah. i still like ny and the 4 years i spent there even with the patches of downs.

i dont know whether i will be able to stay in vj after jae. somehow. i just dont feel confident of my os at all. much as the travelling time is long and draggy and stuff. i guess i will want to stay in vj. besides. it's pretty much crappy to just transfer to somewhere else and needing to get to know new people all over again.it's just so tiring.

was just listening to atlantis princess just now. and hmmm. it just made me realise all the more how everyone is just going to keep growing, keep maturing with time and that the net time we see each other again. we might be vastly different from the us that we used to know. just like how i as a boa fan has been noticing how she has been changing and maturing with each album release. it also applies to everyone around us to. times that we will hold onto and remember. but ultimately. there are just some things that cant be the same as time passes.

in a few weeks time. i m going to be 17. not that it's old or anything. but in the cliche world like this. i cant help but to think of the common saying of how with each maturation comes more responsibility. i guess that's obviously true la. needless to say. but just like recently i really began to think of a lot of things. maybe it's due to the media influence that i hav been indulging myself in. or maybe because i just tend to stone and think about random stuff. but yeah. i have been thinking a lot about certain things. not that i have never given any thought to them before but this is the first time that i m putting serious thinking into it i guess.

everyone has their own dreams. we hold onto it. maybe hoping that one day it will comes true. maybe knowing that it's really just nothing more than an unrealistic dream. or maybe always trying to find ways to realise the dream. and out of so many people. only that few are so lucky enough to realise it. but the passion that fires the dream will always be there.

nothing is too late now. at least i hope.

2008-01-07T21:17:00.000+08:00

ok. i never got to posting my 2007 year end look back afterall. haha. actually i did start writing a post about it on new years day but haha. i never got to complete it coz it's seriously going to be a heck of a post so if do write down everything. haha.

so here i m already embarked on my jc phase so yeah.

orientation offically ended today with the sea regatta at east coast. it wasnt fun la. ok maybe partly because i m still a little scared of water. but it just felt like some activity wasnt very well planned i guess. but still kudos to the organisers.(:

after 4 years in ny. i must say it was a little awkward for me to interact with guys suddenly. haha. i mean i have my kor at home but then it's totally different since we have been living together seeing each other day in day out so we are obviously comfortable with each other. sometimes i wonder whether i should be really comfortable around guys(who are like strangers) actually. haha.

ok back the orientation. yep. was in igor and then sub group ismeme. ismeme is a small group la. which i m glad for. prefer small groups. haha. plus we had really nice ogls so that makes everything all the better.(: had a lot of fun from second day onwards la coz everyone was really warming up to each other so we were more comfortable to joke around i guess.

in all honesty. i was really sian on the first day coz most of the stuff we did were cheers and mass dances.and since i havent been exactly known to be very enthu in supporting school events while i was in ny, it was a torture to watch the seconds ticked by so slowly while we were doing mass dances or whatsoevers. haha.but i guess the vj spirit is really contagious coz i was really affected to just join into cheering and dancing from second day onwards.

by the way. i think i m burnt from today's trip to east coast. omo. this is really loser la. haha. i dont want to spend the next few days peeling and looking weird in front of new classmates. haha.

ok anyway. my subject combination is like confirmed. taking history, tsd, economics and h1 maths. class is 08a12 which has like 17 people only if i m not wrong. pretty small class and apparently the ct tutor is really nice. just got my timetable today and it's like 0.0 when i first saw it. i end like really late on tuesday and friday coz of tsd. thrusday is the day when i m let off at like 1245 because i dont need to take chinese but then i have to reserve that day for knee class now. so technically i shouldnt be expecting to be able to reach home like before dinnertime any more. hmmm. plus tsd is seriously very time consuming so yeah. i doubt i can have it easy in jc la. haha

and that is excluding cca time. haha. i m still amazed at what i chose to sign up for as cca. i think a lot of people will probably frown at me la but let's just say i m just following what i really feel like doing now whether it suits me or not i dont care. so yeah. i have err. cheerleading trials tomorrow but i doubt i can get in coz haha. i have seen the list and there are really a lot of people who signed up la. some gymmers and cheerleaders too. so yeah. plus. my knee is still rusty so i cant do all the splits, cartwheels and whatever stuff that i can do before. but heck i will just try and hopefully i can make it in. if not i guess i will just settle for air rifle? haha.

but i still want to be able to stay outdoors i guess. haha. i really need to get a tan la! oh my. i spent 4 days in vjc and every time i meet someone new, they would mistake me for a prc. goodness. do i really look that prc? it's one thing to be mistaken by a native chinese in china for a local but another to be mistaken by students in singapore as a prc la. ah. i dont know whether to be honoured or not.

oh and i have also come to the conclusion that i really look old. haha. the other day i was with my og eating dinner at bk and we were all wearing uniform(as in pe shirt) and i was the only one who was asked for my student pass as verification that i m still a student in order to buy the student meal. oh my goodness la. do i really look that old? i have been mistaken to be older than my jie, mistaken to be in university or even mistaken to be legal to drink. so seriously. is it just me?

ok so other stuff. i feel kind of deprived of my laptop and internet so far la. haha. i know it's bad and i m trying to change it too but i guess it's like a habit already. i discontinued a story on saturday and i still feel quite bad about it coz like i feel like i disappointed a lot of people. trying to finish up take back the night now but it just feels a little slow now that school's started. so i dont know la. i got this feeling that i may have to stop before sunset too but i really dont want to la. this is seriously a time for me to really learn how to manage my time.

i heard that olevels is being released somewhere from the 21st to 24th. so hmmm. it's like pretty soon? haha. ah. i dont know what to expect la. i guess now i will want to stay in vjc hopefully. i think my ma promised me either a sum of money or a mp4 as a reward if i do manage to stay in vj? haha.

2 years in jc. it's just going to be over soon in a blink of an eye come to think about it. isnt it?

omo. i sense an emo post coming up. haha. i still havent had the chance to post about something that is a little inspirational and also thought provoking from like last year. i think by the time i get to it. it will be like seriously outdated la.

ok taking a look at my lessons for tomorrow. i have ct session, chinese which i need to show my face and ask for exemption, history lecture, math tutorial and tsd. it's not alot actually coz i have like quite a few free periods in between but that's why i end really late. haha. plus after tsd i need to show up for cheerleading(ok i m starting to feel alittle weirded out now) trials so yeah. long day tomorrow i guess.

currently i m feeling like the odd one out in my class since well...only ny girl. so i guess i will have to work my way into the class slowly then. heck if i get called dao again la. people seriously got to just live with it until they know me better. haha. or i get to know them better?

i wonder how everyone else is doing now in their respective jcs or at whatever they are doing now. so far i m missing my table mates (the one besides and the ones behind) the most. ):

2007-12-27T18:59:00.000+08:00

since it's 27th december today. it's only fitting that we listen to a song that is named after today.

BoA - 12월 27일(On December 27th)

외로웠던 가을과 이별,
떨어지는 낙엽도.
겨울의 첫 걸음마저도 무겁게만 느껴져
차가운 내 기온을 녹인 너를 만나게 된 날
함께 라는 따스함으로 시작 된 거야

서두를 필요도 없잖아
마음이 원하는 그대로
사랑하고 싶은걸

Love, 겨울의 그 첫눈만큼
설레임을 항상 잊지 않은 채 날 사랑해줘
행복을 내게 줄 한 사람
Oh~ you're still the one

계절이 또 바뀌고 다시
겨울이 찾아와도
언제까지나 너의 품 안에 안겨있고 싶었어

헤어짐의 줄다리기는
내게 더 이상은 없는 걸
너와 함께 한다면

Please 잡은 손의 촉감만큼
따뜻한 눈빛과 사랑을 항상 내게 전해줘
너이기에 행복하니까
지금 이대로

사랑을 하면서 누구나 한번쯤 겪는 이별이란
두려움에도 서로를 믿고 감싸줘��

내 마음속 깊은 그곳엔
너를 위한 사랑 표현은 아직도 부족하지만
영원히 너와 함께 란 걸
나 약속할께�.

Love, 겨울의 그 첫눈만큼
설레임을 항상 잊지 않은 채 날 사랑해줘
행복을 내게 줄 한 사람
Oh~ you're still the one

not exactly the best ballad by boa(meri kuri is still the best) but i m going to give it to her since she wrote the lyrics herself and i just love the irish music at the back. just made me feel so warm and cozy inside. the first time i listened to it, i was able to picture a story out of it so yeah. kudos to that. i have no idea why it's called on december 27th. seems pretty random coz it's obviously a love ballad but hmmm. hidden meaning? i was hoping to get the winter album in china but apparently. the korean wave isnt that popular to include boa, dbsk and smtown in their collection for some weird reason so i couldnt find any of the albums that i want.

heh. i wont say about my unlucky exprience with the bus attendant today coz i forgot to bring my ezlink card. let's just say i m still being yelled at for being so dumb and careless. oh well. just my luck.

anyway. i finally went to physio.after like...a month. haha. so you can tell that i m really unfit. i only went for one 15 min run during this period of time and it didnt help that i ate and rotted on the bus a lot during the holiday trip. so i was kind of dead during physio. and plus. i wasnt under bijun today. i was under sheik who is known to be more hiong.

so yeah. i already died during the warmup. i got a shock when sheik said to do 15 mins on the cross trainer, 15 mins on the threadmill and 15 mins on the bicycle. that's like alot la! but he's quite nice la. i think he knew that i was like cannot make it so he said 10 mins for everything. haha. i was the only girl today can. quite stressed la. coz all the guys were so fast when doing weights and i was like holding them up. bleh. oh well. but funny thing is bijun and sheik both didnt recognise me when i stepped into the gym. haha. they said it's new haircut. so that explains why they didnt wave at me when i smiled at them. haha.

this student from vjc called earlier to brief me on the orientation stuff and oh. i just realised i need to register my subject combination already. haha. i dont know whether to feel excited or not though. for the new start. it's like so fast.

there is something that i want to blog about as i m facing a new phase of life and moving on. it's been on my mind since like dont know when but these couple of days, i saw something that made me think more about it. but i will blog about them tomorrow or something. otherwise i will never get to posting some of the tour pictures. haha. plus i seriously need to update my story. i promised the readers a christmas present chapter but i was unable to chrun one out coz i was so tired.haha.

so here goes some picture spam about my trip.i only have the photos that we took in china because my jie still hasnt tranfered those in vietnam to my laptop. haha.

at detian waterfall. it's supposed to be the only waterfall that spans across two countries. on one side is vietnam and on the other side is china. not that spectacular coz it's winter. the water flow is much more rapid during summer.

kind of feels like we are standing behind a potrait or something. haha.

haha. my kor being sabo-ed to go and 'marry' the girl beside him and he had to sing this song to 'profess his love for her'. cost him 25 rmb though.haha.

my jie with her peace sign craze. she used it like everytime and everywhere la.say. is she the older one or me?

see what i mean? sigh.

haha i feel so ego. i dont usually take photos of myself only but i really like this for some odd reason even though i dont look good. in fact i looked like i just got out of bed which is not far from the truth(haha). taken by my kor at some lake.

woo.pretty flowers. such a nice photo taken by my kor right? it's err...osmanthus flower. gui hua. yep.

haha. and this is me trying to take some artistic photo. no focal point i know but heck. i like it. haha.

me and my jie on some boat ride. i like my beanie and red hoodie!haha. now question. who looks older here? haha. obviously my jie right. but somehow i have been mistaken for the older one of late.

eh. downstream of some waterfall. geog students! this is called rapids! haha. ok it's not obvious in this photo though.

at the waterfall itself with my kor and jie. now i think i do look the youngest. funny how my kor and i both wore a black windbreaker over a red hoodie.

at jiupuxiang winery! haha. it's like raining quite badly la that's why we all looked so drenched. it's the fliming venue for a tv show ok. oh and i got to sample a lot of wine there. not bad.

haha. with my ma.see all the large 'jiu' vases at the back?

hehe and last photo. blunders in the english language in china. haha. quite a few. but see if you know what's wrong with this.(:

2007-12-25T00:40:00.000+08:00

and i m back from my trip to vietnam and china.

it's pretty much a relief to be back here. i dont think i cant survive another winter day in china somehow. i can stand snow but i cannot stand rain during winter. and what's more. i went without a winter coat. so bascially i kind of drove myself into a dead end coz i had to rely on wearing my thin windbreaker or my red hoodie to keep warm as compared to everyone else who has some kind of fleece coat or whatsoever.

i have kind of forgotten how winter feels like. and to be honest. the winter i experienced in china this time is seriously not as bad as the winter as i experienced in japan years ago. it's cold alright but the air is diferent from japan. the feel of winter is just different. and somehow. being in china in its winter season makes me miss the times i had in japan.even though i was horribly homesick that time. the lowest i experienced in japan was -8 degrees but this time in china it was 4 degrees at the lowest. sigh. if only there's snow or something.i just feel like going to either japan or korea suddenly.

this trip is exactly the best trip i had. i would say that my shanghai trip last year is a lot nicer. it just gave me those sweet after taste at the end of it that makes me want to go back to shanghai asap. but this time. sigh. let's just say while most of the scenery are beautiful. i m just gek that there wasnt enough shopping time. in fact very little shopping time and shopping centers which are no different from our OG or robinsons. so yeah. i came back with virutually nothing except for 3 paris of earrings that i got (for s$5) when i went with my kor to help him buy presents for his female friends. so sorry teammates! i really couldnt find anything to buy back because i didnt have the chance to go to those local bazzars.

to be honest.this trip is bascially marred by quite a number of unhappy incidents. i m just appalled at how things turned out. arguements/frustrations/conflicts. tempers flared and the happy mood was just gone like that.but i guess having my kor around is pretty much the reason. not that he's some unreasonable person who makes life difficult. but because he has his own opinions and own thinking that he is not afraid to show them and so yeah. you can say it's a generation gap thing. mostly happening because we wanted to explore on our own in the city but our parents just didnt like the idea of it because they didnt feel safe.

i dont show my unhappiness over certain stuff most of the time unless it really gets to me. and sadly in this trip. i snapped. it's a pretty bad kind of snap that i hadnt done in a while. and it's not the kind of angry snap. but yeah. stupid reason for my snapping. bascially because i was just appalled at how money was being spent like water when we are obviously not rich. it's just scary seeing the credit card being whipped out not just once but quite a number of times. and worse still.i myself actually choked out a hefty s$1200+ bill at this pharmacy place that i had tried to reject buying those medicine.

i still believe that we were conned by some cockster doctor again. i mean this pharmacy has international credibility but something about that doctor just gives off the wrong vibes. like he is just out to make us scared so we will spend lots to buy all the herbs and whatsoever. i ought to have left the room because if i wasnt there. the doctor wont have seen me and i wont have such a crappy diagnosis that made my ma freak out and instantly bought those medicine that cost a bomb. ok you may not think it cost a bomb but remember that given 2 years ago. we wouldnt be able afford it because my jie wasnt working so yeah.

bascially what the doctor said was that i m anaemic. yeah. i kind of already know that i m anaemic sometimes but i know that it's pretty mild considering how i can still play netball these few years because collapsing on the court. but i really wasnt prepared to hear what he said after that. something that i have this severe form of anaemia called 'she ben' or dont know what la. and that it causes my monthly to come more than once a month and gives me weird cramps. ok those are somewhat true but not all the time. but then he said that what if i dont take the medicine. i will just be walking on the street one day and then suddenly blood will just start coming out from my nose and mouth. so to simplify it. he just means that if i dont eat the medicine. i will probably die(touchwood) ugly.

oh and the catch when i have to take this holy costly medicine? i cannot eat/drink anything cold during the course. meaning. no ice cream. no ice water. no refrigerated drinks. no ice kachang. bascially as long as it comes from the fridge or has a temperature below 15 or so. i cannot consume it. hooray.

that was the total spoiler to my mood. i really really told my ma not to buy it but she insisted so now instead of a peanut ban. i can a cold ban. like what the hell. i pay so much to get this? the medicine really better work like a xian dan otherwise i will seriously curse that fellow to a really ugly death.argh.

the most unhappy day during the trip was that. and from that day onwards i had a really really short temper that somehow i just cant see eye to eye with certain things and people. oh well.

there are so many things about the trip that i will want to say here but it will probably take like a day to type everything out so i will just cut it.

but i m happy that this trip brought me closer to my kor somehow. i can be treated as the 16 year old teen or the a little too mature for her age teen. so i guess this trip is nice in the way i get to be who i really want to be. i went on mini exploring trips on the streets with him. talked crap and fought over the use of the camera to take pictures. teased our sister together. and yeah. it's something that i hadnt experienced in a long while i guess.

oh and i drnk beer/alcohol freely without people knowing that i m underage. the highest i went ws some weird wine made in those ancient winery that has 40% in it. i drank one and i didnt like it instantly.i will just stick to 15 for the moment.

i m seriously sleepy now. but i will just add this part in since i said i will in a sms.so yeah. if you are the relevant person.secret santa or just messenger. this is just a little something.

i dont have anything i want currently that is affordable. but i do have stuff that i like. earlier on i said goodbye to my dear polly which has been with me for the past 4 years. polly is a pink dolphin stuffed toy for your info but it's really really my favourite soft toy(dolphin soft toys are so cute). so yeah. i like soft toys. as long as their fur dont trigger my asthma attack.

and then. i lost my necklace during the trip. it's actualy a very cheap necklace but it's something that i just saw it and like it. plus it was the last stock. but what i like about it is that it had 2 star pendants. i dont usually wear accessories. but stars are pretty on accesories and also other stuff. yeah. stars. shooting stars.

and then there is the music i like which is so obvious that i dont even need to say.tried going to china to buy her albums but there were seriously none!heh.so deprived of my kpop/jpop during the trip.

i like hoodies too by the way. jacket hoodies or sweater hoodies are still the same. but bleh. these are clothes that i really want but i wont be able to get. just like my black jeans.UGG boots.nice clothes and yada yada yada. very japanese/korean style influenced actually.

oh and foodwise it's super easy. i have a sweet tooth. stuff like chocolates and sweets attract me like a bee to honey.

oh! i finally think of something though. i can do with a new wallet i guess. my joe has been buying wallets that have no use to me. either i m too young or too old to use that kind of model so yeah.

aiyo. i hate setting wish list coz it's so ma fan to really want to buy the person what he/she wants. it's kind of diffcult to fufill the request somehow.oh well.

2007-12-15T20:00:00.000+08:00

heh. for some reason i m feeling really unprepared for my vietnam/china trip tomorrow. i keep having this feeling that i forgot to pack something but i just cant seem to pinpoint what. oh well. i will just go through my luggage again later.

netball chalet was over yesterday. i left like early in the morning at 6 plus with jiahui and bernice when everyone were still sleeping. haha. and i left ALOT of stuff at the chalet i know. but coz we overslept so i didnt have any time to pack up at all. oh well. and i was too groggy to get up anyway. my fever really got to me. how zai right. i actually fell sick again at unit 9 of the chalet just like in sec 1.

but anyway. chalet was pretty well...sian for the first couple of days since there was really nothing to do. i actually wish that i m like sec 2 then i can at least waste my time away by cooking. haha. but at least i finally learnt how to play mahjong. oh and i really got to cook coz haha. there was a stove and hotplate for me to work with! haha. made me feel like i wasnt really just there to rot. at least i was of some use.i m quite proud of my fried rice attempt actually. haha. to be honest it's my first time cooking it. i have always seen my ma do it but i never really put it to real work myself so i was really glad it turned out well.

then we have the night where all the farewell speeches and stuff. to be honest. i wanted to say something. but haha. i know once i start saying something i will just go on and on about everyone so i didnt. besides the blocked nose and sore throat didnt help too.

it felt really surreal to be finally sitting up in a chair as a sec 4. hearing so many speeches from everyone else. in a way i didnt know whether to cry or not. i almost did at one point because of a surprising speech at one point that really...it's not touching la. how to say. it's just so unexpected that it's heartfelt? ok that doesnt make sense. wont mention names here since i dont know who read my blog now but i m pretty sure the person i m very subtley talking about knows.

my teammates gave me the happiest times i have in ny. but also the most difficult times i had in ny. yet these are what made them specials because they have really been with me through ups and downs.

and at this point in time. i find myself reexamining friendship again.

will i really keep in contact with everyone? or will everything become empty promises again?

dont tell me about the crap about making the effort and yada yada yada. i know them already. but it's just. sometimes when you move on to another phase of life, you just have this urge to not want to remember the previous phase of your life isnt it?

there are stuff that i want to remember from nynb but also stuff that i want to forget.eve though i know that applies for everyone too.

so. what holds in the future? will i forget? or will i neglect? i have so many friends who went from close talking terms with to those mere brushing past of the shoulders without even smiling/acknowledging each other. will that happen in years to come?

friends forever.

it seems so long ago that i was a primary 6 girl busy scribbling that 2 words into everyone's autograph book. i wrote it so much that i didnt realise that i made it lose its meaning.

is there such thing as forever?

i know there are long lasting friendships around. my siblings are standing proof of longlasting friendships. my kor still has his circle of friends from primary school days and my jie from her secondary days. but for me. i cant really tell. i mean other yngtyng i really have no other longlasting friends around because i didnt bother or want to catch up with them.

my pae result posted me to vjc. it's really a whole new environment and in a way. i m really apprehensive about it. and again. it's a reason that i cant really pinpoint.

you meet people day in day out. yet at the end of the day you still wont know who will really make a deep impression of you.

i have a feeling that i will forget many of my teammates in time to come. and that thought scares me somehow. and that's ridiculous considering how i have been so willing to let go of past friendships. yet it still intimidates me. i guess while i did have my crappy times in the team. the team really did give me a 'family' that i never had before in my cliques. and it's like for once i really felt like i belonged and it just made me feel safe. so it's scary how i can just forget them so easily when they were once so close and loved.

but once. past tense. that's all in the past isnt it? stuff that we can look back on and faintly taste the sweetness/bitterness of it.

2007-12-08T22:08:00.000+08:00

SM TOWN -- ONLY LOVE PV

and christmas is around the corner. sm town's winter vacation album is out. albeit with a little twist, spreading much christmas love with their title track 'only love', that will be used in support for some cancer association, reaching out to the needy during this festive season.

i m impressed by this song. haha. ok la. i like all of sm town's songs but this is so far the most meaningful song i have heard from them.ok not that i know the lyrics but haha. the tune and pv itself is moving enough.

and i just noticed how nice some of the sm singers really sound. it's pretty obvious that sm sees something of their singers as being better coz some of them did get solo parts. and i think it's true that those who are picked for the solo can really sing. i m surprised by yunho. haha. he's improved a lot since his debut days.

the girls from csjh sound so good! i like sunday's and lina's voices. i cant really what is so different from dana's voice. but it's just very mature. then stephanie is well...her rap is good. sm doesnt have many girls who can rap in my opinion and so far i have only heard her and boa rapped before.

sm town is getting bigger though. so bleh. each of the singers' screentime is like limited. 40+ people to squeeze into 4 minutes of pv with like other scenes as well. wow.

and on another note. boa's self composed song, 'december 27th' is...i think really know how to describe it. but it's just one of those songs that just make me feel all warm and cosy inside. haha. ok la i admit. the irish music in the background is at work too. but it's the kind of song that i can just picture something while listening to it.

i have been TRYING to write a song for like the past week(for netball chalet even though i doubt no one will want to use it even if i did write something out) and i m officially giving up. haha. wah lao. for a fleeting minute on thrusday morning. i finally had this idea. but i ended up forgetting it coz i didnt sit down and deal with the thought. bleh. so haha. no inspiration. though i have been trying to write something using already present tunes. which i think may work better.

my room is in a mess now coz haha. i m doing packing for both the chalet thing and my vietnam/china trip. a little early i know. but since i wont have much time to pack after coming back from chalet. i will just do the packing now. and it's ironical how i have to bring two type of clothes for different climates. haha. it's winter in china but not in vietnam. i hate bringing big suitcase. bleh.

i m still thinking of geting my hair cut. haha. i have been thinking of it even before olevels ended. but i still have no idea what kind of hair i want to have. my hair is still pretty short (stupid hair decision on my brithday -.-) so i cant do much now. i have been thinking of cutting a mullet since last year. but then. i got this feeling i will be labelled as a poser if i do cut it. haha. stupid people who overused that hairstyle and made it so poser-ish. haha. my ma is asking me to cut the all too popular bob hair now and i flatly told her no. haha. so what haircut! poof. i dont want to end up with something that i will feel like covering my head with a paper bag kind of thing.

i m having a sudden craving for marshmellows at the moment. 0.0 hmmmm.

2007-12-05T10:59:00.000+08:00

Hi everyone again, this is kay's sister cindy.
I am sorry that we will never be able to talk to minnie unnie again because she passed away yesterday at 6:04 pm.
She had one last message for everyone including me, please keep waiting because she'll always be there.
Minnie I'm going to miss you so much and even though you cant read this, i hope that you will watch over me.

Rest in peace Mun Kyung Min

July 2, 1989 - December 2, 2007

I will make a tribute video for unnie, so if you have messages for her, [please send them to me.

Kay left us all a message in her journal before she died, this was written two days before.

-November 30, 2007! Woot!

Well, hey girls. If this entry is being read at this moment, then that means that fate has finally gotten to me. (It's about time, fate! *Shakes fist angrily at sky* LOL)
I am writing this last entry today because I am not feeling too well at the moment, and yes, I know, we all get a little sick once in a while, but I just feel...Different this time. It sounds a little pessimistic, but I know, know, know that my time is coming, and any day now...I will back in my appa's arms, catching up on nearly nine lost years.

It's been 8 days since I said goodbye to the cyberworld, but this time, I'm saying farewell and good luck to everyone here in the real world. Or in other words, you earthlings xD! Sounds like an alien, huh? Just remember that this is Earth that we are talking about, our first life, our hardest life, and that the best is in store. Technically it's already December 1st because it's 2:04 am right now and I see the snow falling from the sky, and it makes me feel all jittery all of a sudden. I don't really like to play in the snow, but seeing the land covered in bright white, makes such an ugly world, look so beautiful and calm. It makes me forget about all the sadness and pain out there, just for a second as I gaze into the purified world. However, just like life, the beauty is only temporary, and before you know it, spring comes and new flowers bloom. What does this tell us? Life that seems like it has ended, is still there, just sleeping and waiting for the right time to reappear. I might not be here physically, but my thoughts, my wishes, my abandoned hopes; all still linger here, waiting to be fulfilled.

I dreamt of becoming a mother, a wife, an employee for a big company (lol), and even though none of them were probable, I still lived a wonderful, beautiful life. Who says fairy tales always have a happy ending? Who said beautiful movies or stories always had to end the way everyone wanted it to? The beauty of life is that it is mysterious, it's unfair, it gives us exactly what we don't want! It is all of a matter of how you look at it. Are you going to cry and sulk about how life is treating you unfairly, or live it to the fullest and rub it all in life's face [if he/she had one, that is].
"Hey, life! You're being an bubble gum, but I'm still happy! HAH!"
There's a greater prize waiting for us, but you'll have to earn it.

Please be kind to my sister, Cindy.
She is just a 15 year old gal, trying to live a normal life, and is probably an emotional wreck by now.
I know that I always rely on her to bring the bad news, but remember, she's just my messenger, don't harass her for anything...Or bring up perverted thoughts! *Stares at perverted girls at the corner* Oh Cindy, my little naive dongsaeng, unnie is going to miss calling you every week...But try to stay strong and just remember that I'll always be your awesome unnie lol. I know that all the times we've seen each other recently, have been rather sullen, but the next time you see me, I'll be healthy! No more tubes connected to by nose, no needles in my arms and no wheelchair! I'll be that unnie you grew up knowing, the one who was never afraid of anything, the one who told you to live your life on the wild side! This goes out to everyone as well. Anticipate our next meeting, neh?

I'm so sorry, girls! I know that I am supposed to come back in ten days, but I guess I was dreaming too far ahead.
I really wanted to make it through one more Christmas, to spend with you all, and to make New Year's resolutions as well.
I guess I'll never have the chance to indulge in chocolates during Valentine's Day, or chug one or two beers for St. Patrick's Day, but at least all my wonderful girls still have that opportunity. Celebrate on my behalf, leave a cup of soda for me, buy me a box of chocolates lol, or maybe not...Your parents might get a bit weirded out about it all.
"I see dead people." OMO!
You know what I mean though...Don't take all these little things for granted, or you'll regret it when you get in my shoes one day. "I wish I would've eaten more on Thanksgiving last year," or "I really should've bought my mom that gift she wanted for Christmas." I beg of you, girls, please, life is not a game where you can just go move by move hoping for the best. You must think everything through and through, make all your decisions count!

No tears! You guys are lucky I wasn't able to bash all your heads in with my plank lol.
I don't want to see all those tears when I'm gone, just think about all those great times we've had.
As long as you don't erase me, or my existence, I'll always be alive.

Keep living, keep dreaming, keep wishing, keep hoping, keep breathing and keep waiting...For me.
Before you know it, we'll be having conversations again like nothing ever even changed.
I'll be waiting for you guys up there, don't keep me waiting too long, okay?
Holy crap this is long! My last message and it's so asdjklasdf long lol, sorry if I bored you to death!
Peace out homes! Lol, I'm a gangster now, apparently.
*Blows everyone kisses*

<3 Kay Kyung Kaying Emily Min Mai Mun/Moon

Only someone like Minnie could make me smile and cry all at the same time.
I will always remember this as the last thing she ever wrote, and even though she knew that she was going to pass soon she was still so cheerful about everything. I will try to be like unnie, looking through all the bad and keep smiling.

this is the second death i have come to hear of in my brief 4 months or so in soompi.well the third actually(the other i heard died from a hit and run but i have no idea who). but this is the second person who passed away from cancer. the first being yoona who left peacefully in september.

again. like how i never knew yoona. i also do not know kay. i have seen her around before in the boa thread when i was still like ignorant rookie with like only single/double digit posts to my name when she already had like thousand plus and was a FOS. i knew she was a dbsk fan, her signature proclaimed it enough so i actually wondered how come she was at the boa thread.

she was frank and open with her words. i remember from reading some of her posts that she simply just said whatever that she had. i guess in a way. that could be good and bad coz she actually did get herself some haters. but she handled herself well and for that. i admire her. it's enough to have to deal with treatement, illness and all that crap plus the stupid online netizens who have nothing better to do than to hate some other online netizens.

i knew about this last night only. i guess i had been living in my own world for pretty long. i only knew that it from one of the user who posted in the boa thread and his/her signature consisted of "RIP kayem7289" or something to that effect. and that was when i vaguely recalled seeing an art thread on monday with the title of ' Dear Kay "kayem7289" Emily Moon '.

so i went to the artwork thread to look for it. and i was surprised to find that it was posted by someone i know vaguely.

nina_sakura aka jess is someone whom i have come to know on soompi coz i have been stalking her request thread for artworks. so while knowing her, i went otto visit her profile page and posted comments but it did not let slip my eyes how many comments jess had from kay. andi was thinking to myself like 'wow, they really know each other.' but reading what she wrote in that thread she had set up for kay. it really struck a chord with me.

I think you all know Kay "Kayem7289" Emily Moon Kyung Min has sadly passed away on 3rd of December.
She died of Ewing's Sarcoma, a rare type of cancer that is found in the bone.
She was diagnosed with cancer on August 2006. As I am typing this, I'm choking on my very own tears.
Kay wasn't just an internet friend to me; she was someone special. A very special friend and would leave a deep impression on everyone who have spoken to her.

Here, is a poem I wrote last night.
It's not very good, and I certainly don't have a knack for poetry.
But I did my very best and poured all my emotions into it.
It's called Dear Kay.

Dear Kay

Dear Kay,
Do you remember the first time we met?
When I cracked a massive random hissyfit,
In the Junsu thread at AF,
And everyone was like "Holy sh.it!"
Foolish thing I did,
But I don't regret it.
You welcomed me with open arms and asked,
"You've been around here for a bit?"

Dear Kay,
I really admire your essays.
The way you said what was right,
The way you expressed your opinions.
You taught me how to write,
But I failed with just a couple of mere lines.
As I'm writing this to you now,
It is not the best poem out there, but I'm putting my feelings into it.
But I'm trying Kay, I'm trying.

Dear Kay,
Remember the times we were bored and we'd play around?
Either of us would join a new forum and introduce ourselves,
And we'd act like we don't know each other at all?
We would pretend to hit it off quickly as really good friends on the first day,
Which made other members slightly confused,
And we would laugh about it over at our MSN conversations.
Do you remember Kay? Do you remember?
Because I do.

Dear Kay,
Tell me, what is it like in Heaven?
Is it like in those picture books where it is all covered in clouds and angels?
Is God there right beside you?
Is your father there beside you as you are reading this?
Spread your wings and fly,
So you could fly down here and see me,
And we would talk about things that we would talk about everyday.
Just like old times.

Dear Kay,
Looking back eversince we've met, time has gone too quickly.
How delusional was I, thinking that in 10 years time, we would see each other in person,
And go shopping and have fun.
You would laugh and say "Ah, typical optimisitic Jess."
But deep inside, behind that beautiful smile,
I knew you were crying.
Crying in pain, crying in loss.
I'm so sorry.

Dear Kay,
I've been thinking about you.
Missing you, crying over you.
I feel so lost without you... we all do.
Tears are swelling inside me,
Crying out for you to come back.
Why must it be you?
Out of all the people in the world,
Why must it be you?

Dear Kay,
I wish I was there for you,
I wish I was there to comfort you.
I would make you happy, I would make you laugh.
Live life to the fullest, I say.
But somehow, I have this feeling you are in a better place.
In a place where pain nor sadness exist.
Up there with your father,
Just as you wished.

Hey there Kay,
If I could turn back time,
I would fly to wherever you are and surprise you.
Just to see you.
Eight stanzas, each having eight lines
With my emotions. Our memories.
My final words to you are:
Goodbye Kay, Goodbye.
I'll never forget you.

Rest In Peace Kay Emily Kyung Min Moon,
2nd July 1989 - 3rd December 2007.
I love you.

it need not take fanciful language and vocabulary to write something that is beautiful and touching.

RIP kay. we have never talked to each other. but i would have loved to know you. and these are not just words.

thank you for being such a fighter till the end and may you bring peace to your loved ones from above.

----------------------------------------------------------------

i m a blessed girl. i really m.

life has been good to me so far. i m free from illnesses(those life threatenthing ones) and i have never experienced people around me dying firsthand.

when my grandma passed away when i was still in p1, i have honestly no recollection of it. i just remember i had to spend long hours each night at the wake just to go through some really long and draggy rites that i have no idea what they are for. i wasnt close to my grandma at all and being young, i obviously felt nothing.

death. it seems so distant but so real at the same time when you think about it. it's scary isnt it. the one time you will come to know it, it's also the last time you will come to see it.

but death itself can be a beautiful thing isnt it?

i m not trying to sound morbid here or whatsoever. i mean hey. not all deaths are all gory and bloody and well...morbid.

if death is seen as a release of the soul to somewhere called paradise. that itself should be beautiful. paradise. there is no one who can tell us what it is, how it is like and where it is. but we human just love to have our own imagination of that beautiful place we will go to afterdeath.

so death can be beautiful if you see it as you are moving on to a much better place than earth where everything is loved, warm and protected.

i always think of what happen when i do move on(*touchwood*). like will i still be able to know what is happening. like i m stuck in my body unable to move it but actually i m still fully aware of my surroundings? will i be outside of my body, watching how people around me weep or just mourn in silence. and also stare in confusion at how empty or void that shell that used to hold my existence seemed to look.

maybe it's because there is just so much that we dont know about death. about how it really feels. how it really is like. that death is so fascinatiing, and when you often wonder about things, letting your imagination run wild about it. death becomes more beautiful because you think deeper into it, deeper than the surperficial level of death as painful,sad and scary.

2007-12-01T16:48:00.000+08:00

Day Dream -- Anyband

[보아] 살며시 너 다가와 지루한 ah 내 일상을
조금씩 oops 날 흔드는 은밀한 talk 그 속삭임

[준수]내가 상상한 대로
[보아]변해가는
[준수&보아]너의 숨겨진 비밀

Day Dream 나에겐 꿈이 있어 크게 소!리!쳐!
세상의 규칙 따윈 잊어버려 So sweet
나 있는 힘을 다해. 힘껏 부!딪!혀! 내안의 꿈을 향해 너와 함께 Ah Ah

[타블로]Do you wanna talk? Do you wanna play?
Do you wanna love then It's my way or the high way!
온 세상이 너의 무대 From night to day. hey, never mind what they say.
OK. 이 세상의 법은 잊어버려! 작은 책상에 접은 너의 Day dream
활짝 피고 Scream. Scream if you know what I mean. come on

[준수] 내 안에 look Any one 널 향한 Ah Any love
즐겨봐 play Any stage. Do it now. call. Any number

[준수]내가 상상한 대로
[보아]변해가는
[준수&보아]너의 숨겨진 비밀

Daydream 나에겐 네가 있어. We TALK&PLAY LOVE
이세상 어디라도 함께 할래. So sweet
처음 본 순간부터 We TALK&PLAY LOVE
사랑은 시작됐어. Any lover Ah Ah

[타블로] 깊어지는 소리 울려퍼지는 멜로디 Tell me what you be. girl follow me.
Let's go. 저 높은 하늘 위로. 발목의 날개로. 겁 따윈 뒤로 wanna be your hero.
here we go. 짧은 숨을 쉬고, 크게 소리치고. now. When the DJ's Droppin'it.
Everybody on the floor start rockin'it!

(간주)

[보아]보여줘 behind 니 모습을 다가와 touch 날 가져봐
[준수]뜨거워 sweet 니 그 입술 가슴은 up 떨려와

[준수]내가 상상한 대로
[보아]변해가는
[준수]너의 숨겨진 비밀

Daydream 나에겐 네가 있어. We TALK&PLAY LOVE
이세상 어디라도 함께 할래. So sweet
처음 본 순간부터 We TALK&PLAY LOVE
사랑은 시작됐어. Any lover Ah Ah

나에겐 꿈이 있어 크게 소!리!쳐!
세상의 규칙 따윈 잊어버려 So sweet
나 있는 힘을 다해. 힘껏 부!딪!혀! 내안의 꿈을 향해 너와 함께 Ah Ah

seriously anyband overload huh? haha. the hidden track is finally revealed on the 27th of november which is like 4 days ago? and i love it. in fact i love all of the anyband songs. they are 3 very different songs with 3 very different styles but i still like all of it.anyband opened their concert with daydream that night. and it was a superb performance. boa and junsu sang perfectly, tablo's rap was flawless and not to mention jin bora's amazing piano solo(she actually played the violin in the recorded version!)

and i finally got to watch the anyband on TVants on err thrusday evening.it was a pretty LQ version that finally reached where i m. but it was still nice. though i m disappointed that jin bora's part was edited majorly. mnet also aired one of her jazz piano performance and i think she still has like violin and other piano performances that day. epik sounded great! their 'fly' and 'fan' blew me away. haha. i wasnt very impressed with dbsk that night. though i must admit their ballads were really good.(: and then boa. she sang my name, spark, GOT and meri kuri. and then it was the closing songs of anyband with TPL and promise you.

actually i have a kind of emo post coming up. haha. but let me just say something else first. huilin and i have been out looking for jobs for the last couple of days. we nearly ended up as starhub subscription agents but then i wasnt too keen on it and plus my family was dead against it so yeah. it didnt happen. so yesterday we went to IMM to answer some advertisment from this japanese restaurant that turned out to be ajisen. we were too young. bleh. then after loitering for awhile. i suggested cafe cartel and hmmm. we went in for the interview and now we are awaiting to see if our application is approved. though that will mean that i will have to work when school reopens but my ma seems dead against the idea also. i know why la. i mean TSD is tough work and requires a lot of committment but i also made sure to ask the interviewer guy if i could quit when i cant cope and he said yeah. as long as i had finished a week of work. so now i m still thinking la. like whether i really want to work. coz that will mean no time and stuff and blah blah blah. not to mention no time to update frequently.

i went for blaze last night too. i shot for awhile before everyone came. and for like the first 5 minutes. i was missing every single shot. super sad can. haha. like a shooter who cant shoot. but i kind of got the feel back after that. though bleh. when i do get back to training like months later. i will still need a lot of shooting practises. and the shooters are all gettting taller! i cannot make it as a GS as this rate. haha. too short already.

ok and now for the emo post. i wont really count it emo la. just lots of thoughts and frustrations and stuff about something that has been bugging me.

ok bascially this was sparked off by a comment on the boa thread in soompi. it's been on my mind for a long time but i always kept it to myself but i was glad that someone brought it up. i didnt reply la. it will be unnecessary to. but i just want to say this here.and this is not just because i m a fan of boa and i want to defend her and whatsoever. i m really trying to be objective here.

so background info to the incident that sparked off that comment i was talking about. well it's coz of anyband concert. boa and junsu actually sang a duet together with the song 'a whole new world'. yeah. so obviously there will be videos of it uploaded onto youtube right? and since youtube is a pretty public place with no filter for any bashing and stuff, you can expect some really nasty comments here and there.

i wont go into details like what nasty comments there are for boa or junsu(i dont know whether there are any for him since well...dbsk is pretty much loved too but i wont count on him not having bashers) but i m just a little...irked by how immature people can be.

anti fans are all around. ok fine. i m going to recognise that. not everyone has the same taste in liking which type of anything so yeah. i respect that. so yeah. there comes in the question. what do you do to those celebrities that you dont happen to like? or to use a very strong term. what do you do to show your HATE for a certain celebrity?

you bash them. you badmouth then. you spread rumours about them. you post stuff that will affect that their image. basically. you do anything to degrade them, dennounce them for being who they are.

but seriously. what's the use of it? to get a kick out of it? or to what? try to make other people more hateful of you?

i dont get anti fans. i dont get people who bash any celebrity at all. i mean it's fine that one can dont like a celebrity. but must one bring that dislike to such a level that he/she cant tolerate the existence of that person? it's ridiculous.

everyone deserves a chance. no matter how bad or lousy they are. and if one cant live with it. the best he/she could do is to just shut up and not care about the person. but not go around talking crap about that person like he/she is the most worthless thing in the world or whatsoever.

i m saying this coz of a little something that happened to myself. i wont say what. but i was disappointed. but i will apologise first coz i know that when i spazz about boa or other stuff that i like, i can get rather excited and neglect the things about me. so should that happen to you guys next time and you get freaking irritated with me. just tell me to shut up and i will know what i have to do.

so in this case let's take boa as an example. to begin with. i dont want to say that i like her coz of her looks and stuff that are superficial. i mean it's one thing to like who she is but another to admire her for what she really is.for me it's both.

if you want to date back to how the heck i got to know of this celebrity. i m telling you i have no idea. like hello? i was like err...8 or 9 when she debuted at 13 years old in korea. but somehow or rather. i just knew that she debuted(amazing coz i doubt singapore here did advertise it but i knew. maybe it was in the papers or something that i chanced upon) so yeah. the first MV i watched of hers was 'amazing kiss' and i thought to myself 'she's good, and she's so young!'. so yeah. you can say that's how it all began. the first singer that i m really a fan of. and i think still the only singer too.

i wont count myself an avid fan. i went on a hiatus as a boa fan for a couple of years. but then came sec 2. my dear jie was on youtube searching something. and then she found this MV that caught her interest. i happen to be just behind her(same room ma) and i saw it and i went to watch. the key of heart olympus mv. and yeah. got me onto where i m now. all the really thorough search to find out what i have lost out coz before sec 2. i didnt have a laptop to myself or allowed to use the internet. so yeah. i m finally making myself a more informed fan. i guess.

and maybe it's coz i even bothered to check up on boa. like see her past history and stuff that i really came to appreciate her for being a singer that has come to made me her fan. it's kind of like how people like to take things for granted. like for boa. i didnt know about the difficult times she had as a teen pop star in a foreign land. then having anti fans and stuff. and that makes me all the more proud of her that she has come so far despite such a young age and going through so much.

that's why whenever i see anyone bashing her. i do feel upset and also indignant at the same time. i mean. come on la. give her a break will you? she's been constantly trying to improve herself everytime. and she has no choice but to be that busy in japan and korea. but she is trying every single moment to bring the best of her to everyone out there. but there are people who just dont seem to be giving her a chance and simply just bash her for whatever she is doing. boa has worked so hard and come so far. surely she deserves some recognition in the least for her efforts? it's not easy being a celebrity. much less at such a young age and having to shuffle between 2 countries constantly.

and i will apply this to others celebrities too. let's just take a look at our very much loved dbsk. even they have their enomous share of anti fans. trust me. i have seen many of those anti fans site for myself to see how bad it really is. i will be honest that while i do like them. i dont count myself as a fan. i like how they can dance and how they are such funny bunch of people. i defintely dont like the fact that they are a boy band coz well...i find boy bands being a little bleh coz they always have those crazy fangirls after them. but personally i have nothing against them.so when i see comments like they cant sing, they cant dance or whatsoever. i do feel upset too. i mean like. they are training contantly. working hard to improve themselves and look at their schedules la. it's killer. so just give them a break. go like some other boy bands if you dont like them.

and of course. i do have celebrities that i myself do not like. it's human nature that way. we are that biased as it is. but i dont bash. i may say that i dont like so-and-so for being what and what but i wont go to the extent of being an anti fan of theat person just coz i think he/she is jeopardising the popularity or whatever to the celebrity that i like.i simply just dont care about them. like what for do i need to know them if i dont like them?

live and let live people. peace! the world will be a much happier place.everyone just need to only think about the people they like and push away other stuff that they dont like and they can be happy. why provoke others by bashing and making yourself miserable at the same time?

2007-11-28T21:17:00.000+08:00

ANNOUNCEMENT:

Changes to airing times of ANYBAND concert:
(Mnet & KM)
11/29- 7 to 8:30 pm (singapore: 6pm to 7.30pm)
11/30- 2 to 3:30pm (singapore: 1pm to 2.30pm)
12/1- 4 to 5:30 pm (singapore: 3pm to 4.30pm)
12/2- 11am to 12:30 pm (singapore: 10am to 11.30am)
12/2- 8to 9:30 pm (singapore: 7pm to 8.30pm)
credits to 성소유천 at bestiz

haha. i think this only applies to one person who reads this and will be watching.

ok i m off to play gunbound now. reminiscecing the days when i played in like 4 years ago. and thanks to huilin. i decided to play it again.(:

2007-11-27T21:35:00.000+08:00

oh my gosh. i m seriously in a spazzing mood now thanks to the boa thread at soompi. haha.

so this is for those who are interested only. if you dont know kpop(you know anyband,boa,dbsk,epik high,jin bora?). i seriously suggest you better change a site now for the following picture spam will be either a eyesore to you or will bring many question marks to your thoughts.

KAYANNE.haha. this post is actually specially made for you. haha. i dont usually spazz so much about kpop but this is for you(since i promised to put up pictures).(: wah super long to upload everything.haha.and also to satisfy myself with eye candy.

and for the spazzing time. haha. ANYBAND concert took place from 730pm in korea and successfully concluded about an hour ago!(: performers include ANYBAND(consisting of boa, xiah junsu, jin bora and tablo), epik high and dbsk!(:

i have lots of boa photos obviously. haha. sorry the boa thread only posts up boa photos or photos with her in it. so it's like boa overload there. but dont worry i wont do a boa overload here. there will be pictures of other performers too.(:

lets start with dbsk first. i m not sure what they performed though. but yunho didnt perform dance tracks coz of an injury. i think it's the hip injury recently. yep. so a backup dancer wore a mask and stood in for him when they were performing dance tracks. kind of like what they did when jaejoong was out with a knee injury during their rising sun days.

see the masked guy? he's the backup dancer that stood in for jaejoong last time too. same mask there. haha.

oh yunho is at the right! they are singing a ballad so he could participate.

jaejoong!

haha. i dont know what to say about yoochun! he was really pulling a 'rain' act last night. even pulling up his shirt to reveal his torso! goodness.

0.0 ahh! haha. i can hear fan girls going wild already.

changmin!

and who can forget the star of dbsk tonight? junsu!(:

haha so dorky!

jazz pianist, jin bora!

she can play the violin too!

ahh so talented with instruments!haha.

epik high! well, only tablo and mithra. dj tukutz(?) is somewhere behind.

haha they are seriously a funny duo!

tablo! he looks so dorky with his specs!(:

performing spark(well at least i think it looks like it. haha.)!

she was happy to finally perform for her korean fans again!(:

performing meri chiri. she dedicated it as a present to the people who didnt get a date on first snow.

my name! i miss seeing her perform this.

and now for some boblo(boa+tablo) moments! haha. they are really cute. tablo especially. i think he still has that fanboy crush on boa.haha.

and some junsu + boa now.(: they performed a duet together. singing a whole new world. yeah. that disney song from dont know which disney movie. haha.is it beauty and the beast?

look at their facial expressions!(: can tell they were really into what they were singing. and they sound really good together. i m not digging their english i must say. haha.

and finally. the stars of the night. ANYBAND itself!(:

and to conclude the concert.(:

boblo moment again.so cute!(:

congrats to the success of the ANYBAND concert!(:

and now something that i have promised to put up. the airing dates and time of the ANYBAND concert! yes kayanne, this is for you.(:

Show times on Mnet/KM:
11/29 8-9:30pm (singapore time: 7pm-8.30pm)
11/30 2-3:30pm (singapore time: 1pm-2.30pm)
12/01 4-5:30pm (singapore time: 3pm-4.30pm)
12/02 11am-12:30pm (singapore time: 10am-11.30am)
12/02 8-9:30pm (singapore time: 7pm -8.30pm)

haha. so yep. we can watch it on TVants on these 5 days. haha. if only there isnt the time zone difference thing. otherwise i will watch everything. haha.(: looking forward to watching it anyway!(: yay!

2007-11-24T12:56:00.000+08:00

MDA Senior Management Rap

HAHAHAHAHAHA. please do have a good laugh watching this.

my kor first told me about this the day it was released and just by hearing his description it sounded funny already. but then this morning it came out in the papers so my kor sent me the link to go watch it.

this seriously brings the term 'funky' to a whole new level.

ok firstly. kudos to the management for taking this bold step. if the intended effect they wanted to acheive is to make people double over with laughter coz of it's extreme ridiculity funniness. they certainly got it.

imagine all the senior management taking like days off just to flim this, and even more days off just to try to practise their raps and stuff. hmmmm. well the video speaks for itself whether their efforts paid off.

i m super amused by some of the comments on youtube. a lot of hits on the video ok! haha.

America's ENTIRE POPULATION could only give ONE MEASLY WILLIAM HUNG. In this video we have >10. What is there not 2 love, srsly. I've looped this 30 times and it's still my best bet for BEST HIPHOP MTV OF THE YEAR FO SHIZZLE MY NIZZLE

I reckon, personally, that this is brilliant. Its showing that the MDA can laugh at themselves, its obviously not meant to be a serious effort, and everyone here having a go is being a bit unnessesary. I cannot imagine the UK gov doing anything remotely similar. Since I aint from the country I cant say whether the MDA actually help Singapore or not, but still... fair play to them showing a sense of humour

as expected, it's a totally crap. typical top Singaporean management executives trying to be hip when they are as rigid and stiff as they are in person.
dun give me the "at least, they try" excuse cos it's a lame one.
gawd, it's so painful to watch that my eardrums could start to explode.

Ahhh...and I thought I escaped the horrible commercials and ads of Singapore 5 years ago. I can't get away!
5 stars for nostalgia of the Singaporean people and their "Singlish"

Credit to the CEO Christopher Chia, just a few years back he transformed Singapore's National Libraries to the most high tech in the world and brought the books to the masses very successfully. Now posted to MDA, he's already starting to transform the culture there

haha. seriously. this video is sure to go down in singapore history in years to come. it's certainly becoming a hit in its...unique way.

i m torn between really shaking my head at them for their really flopped attempt of trying to being more hip and unique or to really give them props for being bold enough to approach advertising in a totally new and refreshing way.

but then this is the MDA we are talking about.

i m still having difficulty trying to understand what they were thinking when they come up with this concept. (the video itself was certain to flop but then the effect i m really not too sure)

but oh well. singaporean will always be singaporeans. even our dear civil servants are just another group of them(though horribly stereotyped la)

what a way to put us on the world map.

2007-11-23T11:50:00.000+08:00

HAPPY 6TH MONTH TO MY RIGHT KNEE!(:

haha. ok this is before i go into my spazzing mood about boa later. haha. yay! actually the official 6th month is on the 21st of november la. but i kind of forgot. but then if you plus and minus away. i think today can be counted as the 6th month too. so yep. i m halfway through my road of recovery and rehab. at least i think and i hope. haha. 6 months!

anyway. i spent like the whole of yesterday cleaning up my table. it's still not done by the way. i m done with the tabletop and the drawers and under the table. haha. but the two cabinets on top of my table are still untouched. well i did tidy them a bit to take out my jap notes and books to read through them but i m not done with dumping out certain stuff. haha. the living room now is filled with quite a number of bags containing the stuff that i threw out in the course of 2 days.

hmmm. lynette was telling me the other day at the RED camp that i should go and apply for the JPT or something like that. think it stands for the japanese proficiency test. haha. but i told her i havent touched my books since i quited moelc in like 2004 july. no way i m going to pass the test.well unless i pick up my books now and revise through again. which i did yesterday. i think it's quite fun leh. haha. i have forgetten how it is like to cram for my japanese tests and stuff. but i still cannot remember my katakana. haha. i failed it twice and i think if you give me the test now i will still flunk it. hiragana is ok though. haha. like duh.

bleh it's like perpetually raining and lots of mosquitoes flying around. i fed like dont know how many of them just by sitting in front of my table every day. haha.

i m trying to decide whether i should go for blaze training tonight. not that i m going to train. but i just want to meet up with my teammates i guess. even though i know i will feel horribly left out watching them train, i still feel like going to see some of them. bleh. but i m 6 months post op now. what if they decide to drag me back to training? haha. i can only run la. and i dont feel comfortable doing all my landings and whatsoevers.

ok so now i shall get on to my spazzing time.(:

Lose Your Mind PV --it's officially released!(:

haha. ok la. actually i was a little disappointed coz the song is pretty short. but the dancing made up for it.oh and the 3 different looks she sported in the pv are really contrasting.love the one with the pink fedora the most.(:so pretty. haha and finally something dancey. haha. i liked sweet impact actually but i dont know why people hated it. hmmm. just hope this single will do alot better than love letter and sweet impact. (:

picture spam now. haha.(: pv caps credits to suejinners @soompi, best hit pic credits to boanjel @boajjang.

whoo lap dance! haha. it's just for a split second though.

look at the hair! haha. the windswept thing. my kor and i always wonder how many fans is needed to acheive this kind of effect. like imagine the part not captured on the camera is actually just huge fans all around.

look at the eyeliner(: and the hair obviously. haha. she's having her old school hair again.

haha. dorky boa and even more dorky backup dancers. they are seriously funny la!

see what i mean? haha. the afro guy is really funny. i cant tell who he is though. maybe ywki? haha.

and lastly.receiving an award at Best Hits Kayousai last night. i think she sang love letter(either that or meri kuri but i doubt so). haha. last year she won for brand new beat.(: her wavy hair again. (:

2007-11-21T21:30:00.000+08:00

i m a runaway camper.

haha. yeah right. lynette and i finally decided to leave the RED camp at about 5 plus today coz we were getting bored. well i was fine with staying for the cca experience thing but since lynette wanted to leave already. i just left with her.dorlisa and devon left at 2pm! wah lao. seriously influenced us to leave la. haha.

i felt like i was ponning school or something. but no one stopped us. though i think they knew that we left though. i sure hope that my name wasnt picked for the lucky draw otherwise i will be super gek sim la.

anyway. i think the camp is like kind of...bleh. ok. not that i have been impressed by jc open houses anyway. haha. but i was so sian in the morning la. school of engineering is so not my thing. school of infocomm and technology is still ok coz i m interested in multimedia stuff though i m bad at it. haha. so afternoon did get a bit better.

one thing i really didnt like about the camp. i really hate it when the facillatators ask for our school la. not that i m not proud of ny but i just dont like it i guess. plus. it's like once we make it known that we are from ny. i feel like we are being kiampa by going there to have fun(not that there was any) when other people are serious about taking poly courses. oh well.

i m going to skip the next 2 days of camp. though i think the ny girls absence will be noted coz we are so prominent today with our seaweed lifeskills camp tee. goodness. the SL remember us as the 4 girls wearing the same shirts. bleh. i feel like going for the zouk out night though. it sounds fun.

ok anyway. i did my PAE last night. and i used only 3 out of 12 choices. haha. my kor's plan of my repeating my choices was foiled coz the system did not recognised it. so i ended up putting vjc, acjc and then ajc. all arts stream by the way. so yeah. guess i m headed for jc life after all.

anyway. chang is retiring! haha. i meant to post this the previous time but i forgot. i shall not say too much here. the internet can still be quite risky and for all we know. she can be really informed. but saw her still coaching the cdiv today i think. not sure where's jiao lian though.

i m seriously growing fat. haha. ok maybe not fat fat but the unfit athelete kind of fat? oh well. i should start going for my runs too. and maybe go to the beach for cycling trips or something. need to build up muscles in my thighs especially.

and on a very random note. i threw away all my books and worksheets! haha. 4 years of ny all just gone like that. i feel a little sad la. but i guess keeping them like also no use in the first place. coz i dont think i will be using them in jc.

i m very much into kpop now. seriously. the other day laoshi was playing some chinese songs and testing me whether i know and i could only identify FIR's yue ya wan. haha. he's funny la. that day's lesson was so funny coz i was the only one who turned up. so basically he had like this concert that he just kept singing and playing. then he went crazy with this weird strumming technique and just couldnt stop laughing. haha. i enjoyed that lesson alot. but i m kind of sad that this sunday is actually my last lesson with him. i think laoshi is nice la. but i guess i just dont have the apitutde for it.

and wow. i was on wonder girls' thread in soompi and i realised it's been suspended for one week due to rule violations. ah i really need to watch my words now when i post at the boa thread there.

2007-11-20T15:29:00.000+08:00

PV preview of BoA's 24th Japanese single-- 'Lose Your Mind'

^goodness. can she just get any more bolder? i got a shock when i saw that preview coz she was so...hot in the video. and that's coming from a girl's pov(or rather girls coz all the people at the forum are saying that). haha. and so she surprises the fans again with a new bold image into the sexy lady world. got to love the hard core attitude in her that is oozing out along with all the sex appeal.haha. but seriously. chair dance, jacket stripping, hair flips. it's pretty daring i must say. coz it's really going to be very well received or be a huge flop coz looking at err..*coughkodacoughkumi* and some other japanese artistes who already have that sexy image, this is actually nothing i guess. i m vaguely reminded of beyonce in that preview by the way. haha. though it's hard to imagine that she can be so wild and sexy in the pv and yet look so dainty and innocent in real life.

haha. anyway. MKMF 2007 was a huge disappointment. i sat through 5 hours of it from the red carpet till the end and it was boring to the max. it's not just coz boa and dbsk couldnt attend coz they were stuck in japan due to flight cancellation from bad weather. boa and junsu were supposed to perform 'promise you' and dbsk perform some song called 'hey' or something as part of a SM act.i rather they not be present anyway. goodness. they probably wont have time to rest if they did go.boa just had a meri kuri peformance the night before and it would be crazy to ask her to go on stage with junsu without any rehearsal.(SM wanted them to go on stage without rehearseal i think)the performances itself were a huge mess. nothing impressed me. bleh. the SM entertainment performance was decent but without the usual kick that they have somehow. but snsd, csjh and sj did put in their best efforts to get the crowd excited.

the battle of princesses was disappointing. i was expecting an all out dance battle between the four girl bands. black pearl didnt even dance with the exception of mika whom they sent for the battle and she did not bad with her sensual solo(though she forget her dance moves for a brief moment haha). nicole from kara surprised me. she's 16 this year and her dance was cute and flirty at the same time. sunye from wondergirls did great with her choreography though she was a little too businesslike. haha. and then hyoyeon from snsd. no comments. haha. to be honest i have never been a fan of her dances even though she is a great dancer. there is something very predicatable about her dances. but she really did rock the stage with the explosiveness of her dance.

ah and big bang! haha. i fell in love with 'lies' the first time i heard it like on friday but then their symphonic version of that song totally blew me off. it's such an addictive song. haha. gosh. i m in a dillema now. epik high or big bang? haha.epik high's love love love is also a great song by the way. tablo and mithra are like really good rappers.oh and heechul from sj did great in the rapping round too.

haha. pjy's comeback stage was so long and boring. oh my goodness. the camera made quite a few mistakes in zooming in on some of the singers coz they looked so bored. i swore big bang was really going to sleep soon. but then again. they appeared with the same stoic expression throughout the show.

but there were ugly moments apparently that wasnt broadcasted. something like cassiopeia(dbsk's korean fan club), shinhwa changjo(shinhwa's FC) got into fights with the security since they were unhappy that dbsk and shinhwa did not appear? something like chairs were thrown outside and dont know what kind of scuffle broke out.and apparently Mnet refused to let the cassiopeians out of the venue(coz they didnt want to stay with no dbsk) since that will be leaving like a quarter of the seats empty. and shinhwa changjo were upset that minwoo and hyesung pulled out the last minute due to certain disputes with mnet.

i must say while the FCs were wrong to cause trouble that night. mnet certainly did not do a good job of appeasing them. instead of releasing the official real reason that dbsk (along with boa) were unable to come due to bad weather, they actually denied that dbsk were never intended to come anyway (which is crap coz if you watch the first part, dbsk and also boa was clearly flashed across the screen). and it certainly didnt help that cassiopeia is a very passionate FC to begin with. oh well. everyone is disappointed that boa, dbsk, minwoo and hyesung didnt turn up anyway. but i must say mnet is really bad at this la. i was surprised that csjh won the dance award.not that the girls arent good coz i pesonally love their 'one more time, ok' but i thought minwoo would have gotten since it was a voting thing and he has been topping the poll? oh well. weird organisers with weird results.

there was a weird piece of news that i have heard. but it's not confirmed and until now i m not really bothering to find out whether it's true. but apparently. minwoo turned up at the venue to comfort the fans who were upset and then brought them away from the venue. and also. dbsk was rumoured to be making their way to korea just to appease the disappointed fans. though i must say. while it's a really sincere thing ont their part, they shouldnt do it since it's like...spoiling their fans somewhat. plus, they are already tired enough and i think cassiopeians should understand that.

haha. i m totally changing the direction of this blog isnt it? this is like going towards some spazzing page of kpop and boa i guess. but oh well. i dont have anyone whom i can really gush about this things to so my dear blog's got to handle this. haha.

red camp tomorrow. i suddenly feel like i have no time to do what i want in the holidays. ah! and i m going to register pae later on. oh my goodness. i really cant decide what to put as my first choice. my kor is still very confident about me getting like a real good olevel score but i m really not confident la. haha. so now the thing is. VJC vs ACJC. oh my. i cant believe i m putting ACJC as a choice now. it's a sudden thing actually. haha. but since they have theatre studies so why not? haha. ok i really need to decide soon.

anyway. i went for my first knee class yesterday. it wasnt that bad. but haha. i have such lousy abs that i m embarassed! ok i need to work on that. we didnt get to play games coz it was raining. haha. but anyway. i got to know stephy from NJC netball better. apparently she was like me la. got injured during friendly so blah blah blah cannot make it to team when the place is so obviously hers la. and she told me she is still very sad and cannot get over it until now. but when i was telling her about mine. i realised that i had no feelings about it anymore. just nothing. i wont even say it's numb. it's just nothing. no trace of the anger and frustration i had when chang refused me flatly in the face or the dejection subsequently. it's just gone.

i guess in a way. while i still want to get on court and play. it does not really mean that much to me after all? i went to play that stupid court with sec 1s the other day and i walked off feeling crappy. i cant catch, cant throw, cant hold(not that i m allowed to anyway) bascially i was just there to make up the number. haha. i really cant do much now obviously. i cant hold coz it will be contact one way or another with someone else and it's still risky according to my physio. so the only thing i can do is to run. and haha. run to my left side only. haha. and i stepped like dont know what coz my right is so unstable that when i land on both legs i stepped coz i needed two feet to stablise. goodness. i m so way behind.

will i continue? i feel like going back to blaze suddenly. though i hope i wont get pulled back to training coz bascially i m not ready. haha. though i m supposed to be. tomorrow is offically my 6th months after the operation! haha.

2007-11-17T17:09:00.001+08:00

haha. i think i will be stuck to my laptop from now till like 10 pm to nights.

reason? i m watching MKMF music festival online.

i must be crazy or something. i dont understand a thing but i m watching for the performances.

TVants is such a great invention. i m watching it for free online and at a smooth speed too!(:

if you dont know what i m talking about. just know that i m watching a korean music award LIVE on TVants from singapore. haha.

zhen yuan chang is attending the show for some reason that i dont know why. maybe coz his 'it started with a kiss' was a hit with koreans. coz jerry yen appeared during the 2004 one coz of the meteor garden series.

ok i should just stop ranting about this. but i m just excited that i get to watch some thing like this LIVE for once instead of waiting for ages, for people to upload performance by performance.

i have no idea how to do screencaps or record it. otherwise i would do that for the people at the forums.

boa will be performing. one of the perks too! haha.

it's red carpet now. i m checking out the latest fashion thing on the red carpet. so far...black velvety/furry stuff seemed to be in for the girls. haha.

anyway. went for the PAE briefing yesterday. got my testimonial which it's so obvious that khoo was trying to squeeze something out to write in it coz she even mentioned my guitar course which i have supposedly completed(truth is i actually quitted). and it's pretty short. i have seen my kor and jie's testimonial and they are alot more convincing and of course longer.

and i totally spent my kino vounchers from the book awards stuff. i bought one book though. the rest i sold the vouncers to huilin and mel and my kor for them to buy their books. eh. i dont really know if i regret buying that book. 'the innocent man' by john grisham. haha. it's been a long time since i read his books. i remember trying one of his book in primary school coz he's such an acclaimed mystery/thriller writer. haha. but so far. i m only at chapter 5. and in the midst of reading it. i fell asleep twice.

not that it's boring la. but somehow i cant seem to get through the front part where everything is still introduction. it's a true case by the way so there's alot to establish in front. about the suspect. the case. the events before it. so many things. but i think when i get to the show trials part it will get alot more exciting. but so far. it's quite promising to show the chills.(:

i had a sudden urge this morning to write a english song. i dont know why. think i have been thinking of writing one i guess. but haha. i never proceeded further than writing the verses. so bleh. it didnt get done. well at least for today.

red carpets are such amusing things to watch. haha. some celebrities act like they are shy.some act like they own the entire strip and some just walk down without looking at the people around them.

i dont recognise many so far. haha. only epik high, big bang, kara, seo in young, yangpa.

it's raining over at the red carpet. and that's funny coz there are alot of umbrella crew around. but poor things they are. along with the cameramen and fans. have to get drenched just to see the stars.

it's so dark in korea now. it's practically DARK there. totally night time now. haha. i wonder what time does it turn dark over there?

so anyway. i m confirmd going for the RED camp. i dont know why i didnt receive the mail la. but i emailed them and they sent me it through email. though it was a little weird that somehow they can just overlook this. hmmm.

ok. on more serious note now. PAE briefing is from 19th to 21st. woo. i dont really think i will be using all the 12 choices. at most 6 choices ba. i think. though bleh. there will be internal selection by schools for theatre studies? oh my. i hate it when they have this kind of selection thing. especially if it involved like speaking skills.

anyway. i m confirmed taking arts stream. and choices probably includes vjc. ajc, sajc and err acjc? of which. i have been told to repeat vjc 3 times. haha. that's pretty dumb i know. but oh well. eek vjc has the dullest colour of uniform amongst the 4 schools up there. haha.

my ankle is feeling really sore now. this teaches me a lesson to go play court while not being sure about my legs' stability yet. haha. wah lao. i was totally out of the game la. cant throw cant catch and my runs were off. i have forgotten how to hold. bleh. that's what you get when the last time you played real court was...a year ago. haha. i kept running to my left side i know. so guess that's why my ankle is kind of sore now.

knee class is coming on monday. hmmm. i wonder if i will struggle there. and i sure hope we dont play soccer. haha. i cant play that for nuts. seriously. i think aside from netball. i dont think i can play ball games well la. ok maybe volleyball but even then i m still a clumsy klutz at it. haha.

my attempts at putting nail polish on my nails to stop myself from biting them are seriously a flop. haha. i cant apply them nicely in the first place. and i have the urge to just scrap them off even though that's not possible or just wipe my nail polish remover on them just minutes after i have applied them.

CSJH just came on the red carpet in their mini black dresses. eh wait. is that super junior at the back? haha. ok it is them. oh my goodness shindong looks hillarious. haha.

ok i should seriously stop multitasking. haha. and just enjoy watching the show!(:

2007-11-13T17:11:00.000+08:00

haha. this is old news by now but let me just say this here.

LIBERATION!(:

whahahahahaha. and i m typing this with my OWN laptop.

yes it just came back from repair today. how timely right?

i seriously need to start working on my stories now.and i think i have a collab coming up with someone from either soompi or winglin.

oh and looking for some really temporary jobs actually. but haha. cant seem to find any. oh well.

and shopping i guess. though haha. i dont think i can last long shopping trips now.

OK i shall go update at least one chapter of one of the story now. (:

2007-11-09T12:08:00.000+08:00

02. Promise You

자 귀 귀울여봐 늘 같은 시간에 쫓겨
등 떠밀려가듯 사라질 수는 없잖아
I don't give up 내 안에 갇힌 나의 꿈들
더 새로운 세상 마음껏 펼쳐도 좋아
I believe you 날아올라 자유롭게

크게 웃어버려 고된 하룰 씻어내

Oh~ AnyDream 또 꿈을 꾸게
늘 함께 할테니 그 어디라해도
Promise You(Promise You)

고갤 들어봐 늘 상상으로 그치던
막연한 꿈들이 그 손 안에 있잖아
Enjoy your life 힘이 되줄게 손을 잡아

잠을 깨운 울림
AnyTalk & AnyPlay oh~ AnyLove
널 이끄는 멜로디 (널 이끄는 멜로디)
더 크게 웃어봐 널 위한 세상은

Oh~ AnyDream (AnyDream) 또 꿈을 꾸게

늘 함께 할테니 그 어디라해도
Promise You(Promise You)

I Promise U
Everybody 소리쳐 이제
너와 나의 목소리가 온 세상에 울려 퍼지게
불이 꺼질 때도 You're my sunshine
숨이 멎을 때도 With you,I'll be fine

You're divine, You're my everything
You're the one that makes me sing
Nothing in the universe can change that
You're like a song on a constant playback
I Promise You 내가 널 지켜줄게
I Promise You 내가 널 믿어줄게
I Promise You 너의 모든 아픔 나의 품에서 지워줄게
Come to me now!

기다려도 멀어지는 꿈에
또 힘든 날이 오면 날 기억해줘
내 목소리를 듣고 일어나
다시 그리는 AnyDream
I believe you
날아올라 자유롭게(Oh~ Ye~)

잠을 깨운 울림
AnyTalk & AnyPlay oh~ AnyLove(oh~ AnyLove)
널 이끄는 멜로디 (널 이끄는 멜로디)
더 크게 웃어봐 널 위한 세상은

Oh~ AnyDream (AnyDream) 또 꿈을 꾸게

늘 함께 할테니 그 어디라해도
Promise You(Promise You in your love)
기억해

AnyTime AnyDay with you(X9)

my guesses for the songs turned out wrong. 'anywhere you g'o turned out to be 'talk play love(TPL)' while 'anydream' turned out to be 'promise you'.

currently hooked onto these two songs now. especially TPL. but just now, while i was listening to 'promise you'. i kind of got a little emo.

so here comes the emo post that i think a lot of people have been posting up.

'promise you' is NOT a sad song. but somehow. flipping through past photos while listening to it has a different effect.

was at the nynb photobucket just now. and i guess it suddenly struck me that i m REALLY been MIA for alot. it is suffice to say that not only have i not been involving myself in most of the stuff. most of the time i also dont really have the mood to do it?

ironical since sec 1 i was always eager about all the team outings and stuff. now if one pops up. i dont even think i will want to go.

plus. i m the only one not going for grad night. it's a decision made quite long ago that i wont go. but now that i think of it. maybe i should go? though i m not even sure i will enjoy myself but as a team thing, maybe i should just paid the 65 bucks and go.

ok. i wasnt exactly that MIA. my knee did keep me out alot.most of the time.no more trainings. no more court play. no more crappy lunch time half court.

and gradually i just didnt feel that attached.

i shouldnt have let my acl tear been known. i was so desperate to call someone the moment i stepped out of the hospital with that cursed diagnosis. part of me expected it when dr chew had a look on his face. but yet when he confirmed it. i still felt crushed somehow.

it wasnt the end of the world. i knew that. but a part of me just couldnt help to pity of myself as if it really was that.

and by the next day. i already let huilin minzhen jiaomei knew about it. what prompted me to do that. i really dont know. i guess the selfishness in me just wanted to have people show concern for me. or even feel sad for me?

rubbish.

what was i thinking? seriously. and the wake up call came in a form of a blog post that really knocked much sense into me.

i can still remember that blog post. it really gave me a tight reality slap. and while i cannot remember exactly what i did after that.

2007 hasnt been the most happening year. but yet i feel like more things happened than before.

one step forward...two steps back.

i still feel the longing to step on court to play netball when i see the rest of the team playing. in a way. just sitting at the side watching has became like a resignation somehow.

i make it sound like i wont be able to play netball anymore. i can. it's just a matter whether i want to or not.

but chances are no. and i hope i wont go back on my words. i wanted to stop after p6 but look at me. i still went on after that failed thing at dance.

yet i will admit. i m glad i did carry on. it's not just about the friends made. the fun that we had. but also the many lessons i learnt from just being part of this sport. somethings that i think will really come to shape me.

i still have my flaws. like my certain bias towards certain people. i still have that even near to 4 years. in a way. i guess that reflects the person i m.

sometimes i think i try too hard that i appear to be more fake than i wanted to be.

i wish that i never had my acl tear. then i would be probably still playing my hearts out now.

but in a way. the acl tear made me think more than i ever would.and i m glad for the reprieve.

whether it's in nynb or flame. i always felt stressed about the fact that i m not improving. or at least. improving at a slower pace. it wasnt exactly obvious i guess. but it was no secret that i wasnt as good.

in all honesty. i feel jealous. that other people are improving lots. and they are getting to be more 'loved' by the coaches coz of their natural abilities. i dont feel good about it. watching others improve while i stay stagnant.

perhaps i m ambitious without showing it.or maybe. that's just in everyone.

i wonder what will happen at the netball chalet. it seemed only sec 1 that i see so many seniors crying while saying their speeches out. will i do that too? will i miss everyone? i dont know.

maybe it's still to early to think about it. i wasnt intending to have something like coming yet. probably thinking of leaving it till later when i do my relfection for the whole year.

but things just happen and here i m sounding emo when i m really not.

01. TPL (Talk Play Love)

Anywhere you go anywhere you go anywhere you go
I'll be there Anywhere you wanna go
Anywhere you go anywhere you go anywhere you go
I'll be there Anywhere you wanna go

거친 내 숨소리에, 끝없이 멜로디에
부딪히는 내 몸 위에 쏟아지는 spotlight
도시의 불빛 속에, 붐비는 밤거리에
너와 나만의 세상 속에 let's talk play and love

내가 너를 지켜줄게 Anywhere you go
내가 너를 믿어줄게 Anywhere you go
모든 아픔을 지워줄게 stay in me
you can talk, you can play, you can love

거친 파도가 칠 때 나를 거머쥔 어둠 사로잡힐 때 길이 가로막힐 때
너무 숨이 막혀 거대한 슬픔이 눈에 박혀
but music she saved my life
so i'm loving her through day and night,
모두 변하고 나를 떠나고 혼자서라도 hey it's all right

Anywhere you go anywhere you go anywhere you go
I'll be there Anywhere you wanna go
Anywhere you go anywhere you go anywhere you go
I'll be there Anywhere you wanna go

모든게 다 변해간대도 you can talk, you can play, you can love
모두가 다 떠나간대도 it's okay, I will be by your side

1,2,3 & 4 I'll go anywhere you go
1,2,3 & 4 I'll go anywhere you go
1,2,3 & 4 I'll go anywhere you go
1,2,3 & 4 Anyband huh let's go !

내가 너를 지켜줄게 Anywhere you go
내가 너를 믿어줄게 Anywhere you go

모든 아픔을 지워줄게 stay in me
you can talk, you can play, you can love

Anywhere you go anywhere you go anywhere you go
I'll be there Anywhere you wanna go
Anywhere you go anywhere you go anywhere you go
I'll be there Anywhere you wanna go

모든게 다 변해간대도 you can talk, you can play, you can love
모두가 다 떠나간대도 it's okay, I will be by your side

차가운 도시 위에 퍼져가는 이 밤
그대와 나만의 꿈을 위해서 let's go

Anywhere you go I will follow where you go

Anywhere you go Anywhere you go Anywhere you go
I'll be there Anywhere you wanna go

2007-11-07T17:32:00.000+08:00

and finally it's out!

ANYBAND!(:

two songs inside it. i m guessing that the first song is called 'anywhere you go' and the second one is 'any dream' or 'any love' or something along that line.

go listen to the first one! i got goosebumps hearing BoA hit the high notes!

and TABLO's rapping in both songs are just wow-ness.

jin bora was superb on the keyboard and backup!

and of coz there is junsu who was powerful in his vocals.

the two vocalists were great!i mean BoA and junsu by the way. haha. their harmonising was good.

i m still excited. haha. been looking forward to this.

anyway. from the video it seems like it's a junsu and bora pairing. not that i mind la. haha. they look cute together. and plus. they are the two younger ones so yep.

though i must say that tablo and boa have this really ai mei relationsip. it's either meant to be a clipphanger. or it is hinting at a sequel.

oh my. for the first time i m getting all fan girly. haha. ok la. at least not so kuang to the extent of googling on them every single second.

some eye candy. haha. forgive me. i m still in the mood to spazz. except that i wont just go on and on about BoA this time.(:

from the CF shots. all of them look good!

^tablo looks so dorky in this! haha. with his specs. totally different from the gungho air he gives off in the video. haha. bora looks a little chubby somehow.

yay! i m happy now. haha. i was hoping for more BOSU interaction but haha. tablo is pretty cute and hillarious too. so i m satisfied.

ok enough of spazzing. haha. i have been doing that since i went onto boajjang and soompi. i still have the songs stuck in my head now. haha.

ok on a side note. i got into knee class! haha. i have advanced in the physio level. (: though it will be more stressful now. i think i will get to play soccer and netball during these classes! whoots! and bijun confirmed that i do have joints which are more lax. haha.

now i will look forward to the anyband concert on the 27th!(:

oh and of coz. liberation day on the 13th!(:

2007-11-02T21:44:00.000+08:00

it's november! goodness. 5 more papers to go! if only they are all in the same week! then we can end earlier! haha.

i m on my kor's laptop again. except that this is a NEW laptop. hehe. i m using his new laptop coz my laptop is still dead. i m only bringing it down for repair next wednesday when i go for physio.

yay! i m excited! though i have been basically screwing up all my papers so far but i dont really care now that they are handed in and already bundled up nicely on their flight to cambridge. haha. let's hope that the marker loses my paper then i will automatically qualify for A1! ok that's stupid.

anyway. what i m excited about. the previous entry i posted a video of boa's collab with seamo which haha, though catchy, is not exactly my favourite. and finally today i got hyped up!

actually last night i was more excited to see the PV of hey boy hey girl but this morning when i went to check at soompi. i realised that samsung released a preview for anyband! then when i came back from history. there was a preview video! wah! i m spoilt. haha. i have been looking forward to anyband for a long time since it was announced a couple of months ago. and now it's finally coming!

ok i m just spazzing now i know. but seriously. anyband is quite a big thing in korea if i m not wrong. hyori's anymotion and all the other anycall CFs she did were a huge hit and they were really good too. so anyband is like the next big thing? plus. the collab of boa, junsu, tablo and bora is really unique and something to watch out for.

do watch the video. haha. it's got this futuristic vibe to it somehow? the song is pretty nice though i have only heard 17 seconds of it.

i m getting into SM town alot. haha. i dint really like SNSD when they debuted but i find myself watching more of their performances. they do have talent i guess. but i will still choose CSJH over them.not much a fan of teeny pop i guess. haha.

and i recently found out about a group called i13. they debuted two years ago with an album but disbanded soon. it's not that they are not good la. i think given time they would have been a really good girl band. but then. the youngest was like 12? crazy. i mean boa was 13 when she debuted but she is a solo. but i13. the youngest and the oldest is like ages apart. so it's so obvious that there are kids around. though i must say. the kids are good. their dancing is wow-ness.

it feels good to be typing so freely again. haha. i m enjoying every single second of it. plus i have so many stories to reply to. hehe.

i m using tonight to give myself a day off to enjoy all the kpop that i must missed out on!(:

and let me say this again. ANYBAND yay!(:

2007-10-28T11:25:00.000+08:00

haha. i think i m suffering from withdrawal symptons from not typing so much for the last few days.

my laptop crashed. or something went wrong with the software. it just blanked out on monday when i was listening to music. oh well. so i brought it down to sim lim and this really nice guy called slash is repairing it FOC for me. apparently my family knows him. haha.

anyway. so that means all the files in my laptop are gone. i m kind of sad about this. coz i dont have any backup. so that means all my music, photos and whatsoever are gone. music gone is ok coz i can always get them back. but photos! i should have uploaded everything online. the most recent photos from grad ceremony are gone too. and my family is kind of gek coz they didnt get to see it and it's gone. oh well.

so for the past few days i have been well. pretty restless. obviously right. i cant study for the whole day and when i get sian of studying. i got nothing to do since there are no laptops that i can use! well there's my jie's laptop but it has like a whole row of keys spoilt and that includes the space bar and full stop which effectively means that i cant type much. so i was only able to see and not type. haha.

i hope i dont sound very elitist here. or very stereotypical. but i have been on boajjang. yeah that forum. and there was a thread created for all the olevels takers to talk about their papers so far. it's kind of depressing for me to go there and that's the joke coz i m from ny and most of them are from what they call the boh mia schools. crazy. they complained that the math papers were too easy! and what else. the chem too. one guy even told me that it's not that the paper is tricky but rather coz i m careless. i dont know whether to laugh or to cry at that.

ok that aside. one week down. another 2 and a half to go.

and guess what. coz i dont have my laptop to type. i ended up writing. literally. coz i got so bored from doing emath that i wrote a NEW story. haha. crazy right. take back the night is like kind of stuck. while one step forward...two steps back is like not even beginning. goodness. i have so many stories to update from olevels end. ok actually just three. the latest one is kind of like a short story i guess. i may make it into a collection of short stories since currently it's a two part.(:

i may try a new writing style after exams. maybe try a happy mood for once coz i have been doing those bittersweet stuff all these while.

SEAMO ft BoA's hey boy, hey girl is a pretty cute song. though i think love bug is still better but it's still a refreshing take from her love letter.(: it totally cheered me up. i mean after i watched the performance. such an upbeat song. haha. i will look forward to her dance single in december.

oh and just for the infomation. i m using my kor's laptop. haha. my laptop is still not back yet. maybe that's a good thing? oh well. i need to go do math now. though i really dont like how the tys book is formatted. clumped everything together. or maybe i will go continue passing clouds. (:

2007-10-20T11:16:00.000+08:00

graduation ceremony was yesterday! haha. i graduated from my 4 years in ny!

it was super long and draggy and i totally dint catch any speech. opps. except for the eagle one.oh and the speech i did was super crappy. i was rushing through it(even though i dint know)

but i was kind of high after everything. too bad everyone had to rush off. haha. i was in the mood for photos last night!

and since i m so happy. i shall 破例 and put a photo up. haha. the nicest one coz i realise that in other photos i look weird. heh. the stupid thing about my eyes if you know what i m talking about.

maybe after Os i will edit out my part in those pictures and put them up. there are quite a few funny shots of OTHER people. hehe.

yay! brenda dorlisa and me! haha. i think my kor was trying to decide if dorlisa blinked or not. haha. let's jiayou for the next err half a month or so!(:

O LEVELS HWAITING!(:

2007-10-17T22:30:00.000+08:00

haha. thanks to one step forward...two steps back. i had to research on CSJH. and coz of that. i decided to go listen to a few of their songs and watch some of their performances.

i m blown away.

ok la. not that blown away but i m impressed. let's just say i never really had a very good impression of these girls except for dana. but after watching them sing live. i really got to admit that they are good. and their songs are catchy too.

currently i m loving boomerang and one more time, ok? the most. the sensual and also sexy dances moves are a catch defintely. though i never really get why stephanie gets a solo every single time when the rest are good too.

ok enough about csjh.

so let's switch to boa. haha. i was at the forum and many of the people at her thread all agreed that she should make a comeback soon coz it's so long awaited.me included. i prefer her korean works. i mean her japanese works are good but it's her korean works that always spring surprises. be it my name, spark, GOT, moto or whatever. always changing.

ok maybe i should just save all these in the forums. haha. the people there are really nice though there are some not so nice people around i guess.

so switch again.

went for my appointment at hospital again. wah lao. i waited so long at the cafe and at clinic k. dr chin is really one busy doctor. remember how he did 3 ACL recon back to back on the day when i had the op? i was the third patient before he took a break for lunch.

anyway. dr chin was like testing my knee's stabilty and mobility. i was a little worried at first coz i could feel that it was loose when he did something jerking thing. but yeah. he frowned a little and said that my knee is a little too loose so i got to work ALOT on my muscles.

haha. so being the paranoid me. i asked if it was bad that my knee is loose. and he told me that it's natural for females to have looser ligaments. but then he thought for awhile before taking my hand to see if i have hitch hiker's thumb and tested if my fingers can like bend all the way back. then he took my arm and pressed down at my wrist. i dint get what he was trying to do until he said this.

"do you know that your elbow can bend backwards?"

i was like 'huh'? haha. coz i cant tell. even now when i do the same thing that he did. i still cant tell that my elbow is bent? hmmm.

so came the diagnosis. i m born with looser ligaments. that means on top of having the slightly loose ligaments that a female has, mine is even looser.

well it can be good and also bad.

good in the sense that i think my flexibility can be trained easily. i remember when i freactured my finger the other time, my doctor asked if i thought of joining gymnastics since my joints and ligaments are more flexible than normal people.i dint really get it until today i guess. haha. so yeah. that's the plus side especially if i want to take dance.(:

but bad in the sense that i m more prone to injuries that normal people. wah lao. this explains everything la. all the injuries since dont know when. and now with a knee that is reconstructed. the chance of it recurring is higher? i dont know. unless i really put on ALOT of bulk on my leg. so yeah. that's the down side if i want to take dance now coz i m sure to get some kind of injury one way or another.

to be honest. i forgot that my op is like in may! it feels like i done it like at least half a year ago! so when dr chin asked me if i still need exemption from pe i was like incredulous. but apparently i m not allowed to touch sports until april next year. so there goes my hopes of taking up dance in near future. well unless bijun gives me the go ahead. haha.

less than a week's time to the main papers. m i not supposed to be here now? oh well.

it's a boom boom boomerang thang~~~

2007-10-15T19:25:00.000+08:00

bio pract tomorrow. bleh.

it's hard to think that next monday it's he start of everything.i dont think i m prepared. and i dont know whether i will be able to maintain.

last week was like some soap opera playing in real life and the climax on saturday was rather...heated. oh well. shall not go into much details. but i m glad that i handled myself well. i might have been rude, disrespectful or whatsoever, but i did hold my own and i guess that's what i have working to.

but this incident made me think alot and i now see him in a much different light now.

obviously my studies is like a standstill last week.except for the times i m in school. but i cant do that much even in school. to put it short. i m sian. it's not burnt out kind of thing. but more the cannot get into the mood coz of alot of disruptions.

i posted 'one step forward...two steps back' just to get my mind off certain things and it helped a little. plus the people at soompi are so nice! they made me really pretty graphics!

thanks to nina_sakura and goldy01 for the pretty pictures! haha. ok if you dont think they are nice just keep it to yourself. i cant even work photoshop so to me, those pictures are like the best!haha.these are just some of it. the rest are with gasoos so if you are not me or people who like them, they will be like an eyesore to you.

maybe after olevels i will try to learn how to use photoshop. and dreamweaver as well.(:

but for now. i will have to get into the mood of mugging. haha. and have the people in soompi and school to keep me sane.(:

2007-10-11T18:45:00.000+08:00

i really dont know what to say about chem pract. it's really 哭笑不得 kind of thing. haha.

wah lao. my kor is laughing at me(ok maybe everyone) for not being about to test correctly for that gas! so qianbian. i spent 15 mins heating R and still cannot get a confirmatory test positive. and my gamble of hydrogen turned out wrong.):

and to add on to that. i have quite alot of questions that i dont know how to answer so i was practically guessing my way through. bleh. and to think i m more confident for chem pract.oh well.there's the paper to work hard for now.

the thing regarding my pa is finally settled. i was calle out of bed at 6 plus today when i could have another hour more of sleep and spent my morning at the hospital when i could have been sleeping even more or studying.

the diagnosis was surprising. not coz it's major but coz it's so minor that i feel cheated.

dont curse me for saying this. let's just say that if it was more serious, i will be more...err less begrudging? i mean all the inconvenience and everything for nothing? sigh. i dont know what to say.

it's a muscular contusion if anyone know what that is. not even got to do with that freaking bone spur or the nerves. i was given the impression all this while that it was the bone spur so i was thinking like 'ok. surgery needed'. but woohoo. it's a muscular contusion. a minor one that dont even require further investigation.

my injury was more serious than that.and i still went around my daily work. sweeping the floor and ironing the clothes. with a throbbing pain in my back.

but he's still my pa. so i guess i cant say much. it's painful it's tiring for him i know. but it's even more frustrating for us as his family members to shuffle back and fro everyday in spite of our busy schedules.

let there be peace now in the house. and that we will all remain illness free for as long as possible.

and by the way. to whoever is reading this. not that i m not appreciative of your encouragements and comments. let's just say that i m kind of adverse to seeing some kind of comments that instead of inspiring me, i ended up feeling the opposite. dont ask me why.

by the way.i m not feeling sad or emo now. just kind of incredulous and also amused at the same time.

oh and soompi just ate up my nicely written post! wah lao i spent like 10mins writing it and it's gone! grr.

2007-10-10T17:45:00.000+08:00

i think the patience of everyone at home(with one exception) has really been tested to the limits.

and sad to say. even i couldnt tahan everything. so much for being the most(well maybe second most) patient person at home.

well it's suffice to say that i snapped(well not in the context of exploding snap but the kind of snap i do when i get REALLY gek at something) wah lao. i never felt so gek in my entire life so far. even all the crap that teachers coaches classmates or whatsever never amount to that much gek-ness in me.

so a little background here. on last saturday. my pa decided to be a little ge kiang and carried a really heavy object all by himself up to his lorry without waiting for my ma to help out. and *piak* something in his back went and yeah that's the start of it.

he went to the sinseh whom i always go to when i sprain my ankles and and strained my back. so i thought it will be fine since that sinseh is really nice.

but crisis. my pa woke up at midnight complaining that the pain was UNBEARABLE so much so that he want to 'die'. sigh. so my kor and ma rushed him to the A&E immediately. i dint go since heh. i wasnt asked to go so i just went to sleep.

so next morning i woke up and asked my kor about the diagnosis. and i realised that my kor is really gek. i dont know why coz he refused to say but anyway. he was asking me if i know what is 骨刺. and i was like huh? coz i dint know. but i saw him on wikipedia page showing osteoporeosis so i assumsed that what it meant.

when my ma got back. she described to me what she saw on the xray(my kor wasnt allowed into the room) and it sounded more like a slipped disc from that description. but then they kept saying that it was some kind of like a pricky bone that had grown out so i gave up and went to research on 骨刺.

yeah duh i found out what it's called in englisg. bone spur apparently. and i found out the causes and the effects and the treatments for it. and i was like. at this rate he would probably need an operation if the pain persists. kind of like the operation on my knee except that it would just be an athroscopic surgery to remove the bone spur.that was sunday by the way.

and coz monday morning i had physio. my ma told me ask bijun if she knew what to do with my pa coz by sunday night. my pa was like limping and complaining that he cannot stand. cannot sit. can only lie prone one the bed. and he was complaining so much that to be honest. it got on my kor and ma.(they have the hottest temper at home so their patience can be...variable)

so surprise surprise. what happened when i went home from physio? a relative of mine decided to drop by and ask after my father. ok i m fine with that since i know how much my pa likes it when people shows concern to him when he is unwell. BUT i was incredulous when my ma told me that the relative came coz she wanted to persuade my pa to go to see some shifu to cure his back problem since my pa was complaining that he lef was numb and the pain was really very bad.

I HAD OBJECTIONS TO THAT IMMEDIATELY. like what the hell. i may not have a degree in medicine or whatever orthopedics and stuff but any idiot can tell that it's a bone thing. going to a chinese sinseh will not help now. well it will give temporary relief to the sore and strained muscles but ultimately the bone spur is still there.

and to my utter horror. my pa was convinced to go. (he initially rejected at first but my relative worked like some really glib salesperson to sway him).

and surprise yet again. that so called shifu fellow is actually someone who works from home!

now if anyone remembers. i have BAD experience with such kind of sinsehs. recall the time when i paid like nearly 50 bucks for my back treatment only to earn myself a 3 month peanut ban and persisting back pain.

so back the shifu in question here.no credibility? well except for the words of my relative but that's subjective yeah?

i had to accompany my pa and my relative to the shifu's place since my ma had to attend her skills upgrading course. to be honest i wasnt very happy about it coz 1)i was really tired after physio and 2)i wanted to study. but i still had to go anyway.

should have faked a reason to not go. coz the gekness that i m still feeling came from during that treatment. wah lao. i m so going to go firing off now.

like what the heck? you said it's not 刮痧 but anyone can tell that it's still stemming from the same concept la. i really question the credibilty of that shifu guy since he seems so unprofesssional? like hello? you treat patients at your CORRIDOR?where everyone can see and you make your patients take off their clothes in public? what's so holy about your place that treatment cannot be done INDOORS?

AND. what's with the acting almighty? and so rough with your patients? so what if you can tell that my pa's liver, heart and whatever system is screwed up? i(and my family) we already know that since day 1 so thank you very much. anything to tell us about the bone spur? NO. it's just yakking about how much toxins there is inside of my pa's body.

i m not done yet. i m not dumb hello. 刮痧 is not something you use to treat a damn bone problem. fine i accept that you want to get rid of the toxins in his body to make him healthier but again. THE BONE SPUR? have you conveniently chucked it aside so that you can go ahead with your 刮痧? and you insist that it's not 刮痧. fine the tools used are different but the PRINCIPLE behind what you are doing is stemming from 刮痧.

oh. and just so you think. i m not as cluelesss as you think. i do understand bits of hokkien here and there. so thank you very much for saying that I DONT UNDERSTAND A THING. think i dint understand when you said the hospital is useless? think i dont know that you are wondering in your mind that i m an ignorant girl who knows nothing about your treatment? yeah right.

i dont get why people(my relative) worship you as if you are some kind of a god that can cure everything. sorry la. you may have worked wonders some other times but this is NOT your time to do that. plus. what's with the SMOKING? i will laugh if any smoking related diseases befall for you. what an irony.

if looks can kill. i swear that you would have been DEAD that day.

sorry i sounded really mean. but i just really need to vent it out.*takes a deep breath*

ok continuing the gekness. my pa did feel better after the treatment. he could walk better and for an hour he was moving around like anything. but let's just say i knew it wasnt going to last.

and man. was i right. he couldnt even get up for dinner later. so much for a miracle treatment.he ended up with MORE DISCOMFORT AND PAIN.

i must add that by then. my jie, my kor and i no longer believe that he was in that much pain. it's not that we are unfillial or whatever. but hello. two out of three of us(namely me and my kor) have in one way or another, have similar injuries, and we know that IT IS TOLERABLE.

of coz. we take into consideration of his old age. but that alone is not sufficient to account for it. 1) we all know that my pa has LOW tolerane for pain. 2) he likes to make things alot more complicated. like simple illness he will classify under 'going to die' kind of thing.

it's not the first time that we have to deal with this. i guess you can call us uncompassionate. but truth is. you got injured. there is pain. life goes on. you cant expect everyone to be your nurse 24/7 coz we all have our lives. i need to study for Os. my kor also needs to prepare for his exams. my jie is busy with kor. my ma has a course to take. so you see. we cannot afford to set aside too much time everyday just for you.

i understood that when i had my knee op. i tired to discourage my pa to NOT fetch me every single day coz i m jolly well capable of flagging a cab by myself to go home. maybe do unto what you want other people to do unto you. my pa is expecting that kind of treatment now? that there will be a chaffeur for him(my kor) everytime? i was on the crutches but i dint want to be on the crutches. i used the wheelchair coz i was really tired and not coz i wanted it. i know i was a liability that time and i hated to be one.

what angered me further was that the quack shifu came over TO OUR PLACE yesterday. like what the hell? GET IT INTO YOUR DAMN CONCEITED HEAD THAT YOU ARE NOT WELCOMED AND THAT YOUR BLOODY TREATMENT IS NOT GOING TO HELP FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE.

and now look at my pa. BRUISES everywhere. compliments of the 刮痧 thing. it's almost as if my family have been subjecting him to physical abuse every single moment.

he has a appointment with the specialist tomorrow. the doctor is so going to blow up at us. he is really not going to be happy about the bruises. i can foresee that. anyone can. but what worries me is whether he will take any action about that.

and coz of tomorrow's appointment. there's yet another big headache. i have my chem pract tomorrow. my kor has morning class at NUS, my jie is away on meeting, my ma has to take her pract exam(err cleaning exam?). so in short. we are all busy.

and my pa's appointment is in the morning at 9.35am. how convenient.

damn it. i will probably go tomorrow if not for the fact that i have pract coz i want to know what the full diagnosis is. and also help with the procedures if my pa needs to get hospitalised. but then i cant.

there will probably be another plan. my ma has been working around so much. and she is probably going to have to bring my pa there tomorrow. so i offered her an alternative. i bring my pa there early in the morning. and she will take over after her exam and i will go for mine. hopefully i will still be in time for pract.

coz another plan is that my kor skip his school to bring my pa. though that is the most simple way out. i rather not. my kor has have enough of it. let's just switch to someone who can at least tahan a little more. and also take it as i m returning what my pa did for me while i was half bai kar.

i totally have no mood to study for exams at home now. even blasting BoA's music out loud dint help. wah lao. i cant seem to block out my relative's inccessant chatterings and stuff. or take my mind off how that quack dubious fellow. it's simply RIDICULOUS.

i wish i can laugh at all this but all i can manage is a bitter laugh.

heh. i dont care if anyone tags on my board telling me that i should be more patient and whatsoever. or scolding me that i m being such a lousy daugther. go ahead. i m already blacklisted under my relative's books but do you think i care? i dont. my kor dont. we all dont.

oh and my ma exploded today. let's just say she has been tolerating but then my pa totally ticked her off. and woohoo there goes the volcano.

someone should really knock some sense into my relative, that damn shifu and most importantly, my pa.

i m pretty much sian about everything. i couldnt even find the zest to continue my story and that's really bad considering how i can just write everytime i m sian. heh.

sometimes i wonder. what for did i endure all the back injuries i had. i doubt my pa even knows that i once had a back injury as bad as his that my leg totally lost sensation.

but people differ. i know. but i cant help but to lamment at the differences.

i so need to go and blast even more loud music. maybe play quincy repeatedly into the night.

i apologize for the swearing and emo post. at least i dint go to the extent of using that f word like my kor. so be thankful. i should believe that if it's my kor. this post will be littered with the f word.

on a lighter note. since i couldnt study. i was online searching for suitable dance studios to take my lessons. and i did shortlist a few. but i must say. studio wu is by far the most impressive. with reasonable rates too.

"You have to become the 'first of yourself' instead of trying to become the second of anyone." -BoA