i always whine about being lonely. about not having enough friends or not being attached. but everytime when i do stop to think about it, there is really no surprise why this is so. there's no reason why i should be envious or jealous of my friends for being so popular or having such huge social circles. the reason why i dont have friends is because i suck at being a friend. so why do i mope over something that is the cause of my actions?

sometimes i think in my life. i have been just trying to make up for all the mistakes i have made and most of the time i end up making things worse than they are. there are so many people around me that can be my friend but i dont seem to appreciate them until they are no longer there. instead i m stuck in the past trying to grasp at something that is long gone or will never come back when the present is in front of me, trying to tell me to let go. i try to be this perfect person that i picture myself to be. but at the end of the day i m merely a hypocrite.

i m weak. which is why the thought of not having friends scares me. i cant stand the thought of people leaving me. cant stand the thought that my picture perfect world is shattered because i destroyed whatever relationship i have. i m not willing to work hard to achieve but yet i want so many things. all this greediness and laziness only serve to distant me from what could be in my hands. i yearn for some much when actually i dont deserve anything however i portray myself as goodly to be. everything happens for a reason, and i only have myself to blame for my state today.

as expected. i m feeling just a little bit of emptiness now that everything is over.

at the same time i m also wondering how i should move on.

the usual me will simply just leave once and for all. not leaving anything behind.

but yet this time i feel that i cant just sever all ties cleanly. as much as i had said i would months ago.

complications arises. one of which is particularly frustrating and perplexing on many different levels.

i m still trying to calm my mind after all these hectic days which gives me no room to think of anything else.

decisions will come only when my mind feels rested enough.

though most of the time i m willing to concede. there are times when my heart simply screams no.

time is of essence here. cant keep dragging things for too long or everything will just become even more complex.

somehow along the way i have made some mistakes again.

trying to do some kind of damage control now but not sure whether i m going about the right way.

all i can say is. at the end of the day. i cant change who i m or what i feel.

and i really want to say i miss you. but i cant even do it now because you will be mistaken for someone else.

i guess i m not the kind of person who can handle stress well.

and i m finding myself burning out a lot faster than i have ever been. its scary but the more i try to keep myself going, the more i seem to fail and it just frustrates me to no end.

i dont know whether i have made the wrong choices all this way. going to ntu. studying a course which i have little interest in. going back to cheer despite knowing the commitment is much higher.

just feeling really tired now. and its only slightly past a month since school started.

i m not strong enough. be it physically or mentally. i m so weak that i always try to find excuses for myself to get out any demanding situations.

and i feel very lost. lonely even. because i cant seem to find anyone i can truly hold onto in this new environment.

the feeling of emptiness is back again. and nothing seems to be filling up the gaping hole inside.

its been two months since a particular incident happened.

in the course of these 2 months. i have experienced different emotions before coming to some sort of a peace within myself, just letting things settle into the curious balance they are.

but today. i was reminded that this balance is actually so fragile, so much so that it can easily crumble into pieces.

i know that the world is cruel, and i dont need to be reminded of that fact time and time again, even if i m the most foolish person in the world.

it didnt work out then and it will never work out ever. that's something i m aware of even if sometimes, i do wish that the world is like a little kinder and things may just twist and turn somehow till they work out.

before this whole incident. i m used to writing and reading about love. but i never understood how love could be all so melodramatic, so full of angst and hurt that they just dont seem real at all.

but after everything ended, i suddenly felt so overwhelmed whenever i read any of this stories. because i think i finally understand that things dont come about just because they are there. and these stories of love exist because such pain and hurt is true.

i havent been able to write anything since. because suddenly. words cant seem to describe what all these feelings. i cant seem to find the exact word just to fit in and even find a way to express something like that.

i wont say i have completely gotten over it. but i m not saying that i dont want to get over it. these days i have stopped thinking about things as much and maybe with the passing of time, things will just fade away and different paths will be taken.

but i just wish that, while i m trying to get myself together. people will stop trying to reopen the wound that is just healing. i can smile, laugh and even joke if this is what people want to see. but at the end of the day, please just let me have just a tiniest bit of hope which i want to hold onto no matter how bleak the prospect it.

you said not to have my hopes up. but if i dont have my hopes up. there is nothing i can depend on anymore because it seems that this world is only full of lies and betrayal. is that what i m supposed to believe instead? in all the bad of the world?

recently. i feel as if i m consumed by three different emotions.

disappointment. guilt. fear.

and somehow. they have crept inside of me. gnawing away like a termite infested nest.

it's as if bits and pieces of myself are being sucked away, leaving away a feeling of hollowness that i cant seem to fill up no matter how i m trying.

it scares me sometimes how normal i can behave in the day. laughing and joking around like nothing is wrong. but at the end of the day. i will lie in my bed, staring up at the ceiling with just silence around me.

and the feeling of emptiness comes back. cold and suffocating.

but i m trying to find back the pieces of myself which i have lost. trying to put back everything just to make that empty feeling go away.

yet i feel too tired to do anything.and even i try to do anything, nothing will go the way i want it.

i m so sick and tired of giving so much of myself away and not getting back anything in return.

there is a idea of defeat and maybe even betrayal.

i dont think i ever asked for things in return. even though its clear that i want something but i m only human. and it sucks so terribly when i finally do ask for something for myself after some much that i have put in. i m denied.

and everything is lost. everything that i have put in hope of something is all lost. its like i threw them away in some faraway place and i can never find them back.

so its just empty and hollow. numb and cold.

and i m just waiting. waiting for the time to come before i can fill everything up again.with smiles and jokes or just anything tangible.

---

this feeling of emptiness scares me.

and the idea of moving on intimidates me.

sometimes i just wish that i can close my eyes and not be suffocated by just trying to get on with life everyday.

i think i m just a weakling at the end of the day. and i always will be.

i m just not strong enough for this world.

BoA / Possibility duet with Daichi Miura

Before love completely ceases,
(one) last time

We spent good times and we knew each other
Had this situation changed if we had the possibility
Jus’ talk to me how you think about it
(Why did we say goodbye)

I liked your smile,
even your boring jokes I liked,
the approaching, disturbing footsteps,
which one (of us) would have been the one who realized it first?
no matter what I did, through day and night I was unsettled,
to give up this relationship, it was like burring a ditch,
it’s like we will be strangers (again) if it becomes tomorrow,
it’s okay if everything is completely erased

The pendulum is still swaying,
a thread which follows my last hope,
why did it snap and break off?
this kind of heart breaking,
for each other to do trial and error and acquire preparation,
I understand but I’m lost,
was this really okay?
We might’ve had the possibility

Hold out my hand, touch your cheek,
if I do so my temperature will hit 40゜C at once,
the time both of us met, we had that sort of feeling,
but it changed,
poison lurking in the heart, counteracting the words were
memories like going through a filter yet though,
far and misty, I can’t come across you.

The pendulum is still swaying,
a thread which follows my last hope,
why did it snap and break off?
this kind of heart breaking,
for each other to do trial and error and acquire preparation,
I understand but I’m lost,
was this really okay?
We might’ve had the possibility

If you were able to explain dangerous omens politely,
trivial misunderstandings and this ending,
would have been able to be avoided,
your opaque attitude is fatal.
Because I want it left behind as beautiful memories,
I only had this choice and
I thought it seemed strong, hey,

Don’t be gentle nor miserable…
(Don’t cry… Don’t cry baby)

If I told you that I’m nothing without your love,
If it’s not you, it’s meaningless

The pendulum is still swaying,
a thread which follows my last hope,
why did it snap and break off?
this kind of heart breaking,
for each other to do trial and error and acquire preparation,
I understand but I’m lost,
was this really okay?
We might’ve had the possibility

I saw a dream,
we were always together
for many birthday(s) piling,
like it wouldn’t break,
Baby, now it won’t come true but it’s,
Never gonna change my love

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我想，我终于明白空虚的滋味，那种似乎是被掏空的感觉。

但竟然已经走到了尽头，就已经是结尾，一个不能挽回的结局。

已经走错了，已经做错了， 但也是该重新开始的时候了。

---

we cant make good decisions all the time, but what matters is that we face the consequences of whatever paths that we choose to take.

so i guess. the only thing to do now is to move on.

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我贪恋了那么久，但迟早还是要放手。

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